In need of Desperate Advice on MIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In need of Desperate Advice on MIL
28
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:18pm
I NEED DESPERATE HELP!!! My future mother-in-law is a manipulative bipolar alcoholic that my fiance worships. She has been engaged herself for twelve years but will not marry him and blames it on him even though he continually asks. She will not pump her own gas, go to the grociery store or even play her own lottery tickets. My fiance does everything for her including giving her 25% of his pay check which we can't really afford because she chooses to live off of unemployment and every one else around her. She sits on the couch drinking beer all day long and complaining that no one does enough for her. Sometimes she locks herself in and won't answer the phone so that my fiance calls her every five minutes instead of every hour as usual. Then she tells him its because of her fiance, she tells his brother it was because of my fiance etc. My fiance is scared to death to even mention his father in front of her unless he is putting him down even though they have great relationship. My wedding has already been cancelled once because he was afraid to have his mother and father in the same room. And now that we're engaged again, at first we decided to run off and invite my parents and his mother so that his dad wouldn't be hurt that he wasn't invited (he would never have to know the mother was there) but his mother refuses to leave the house so he no longer wants to talk about wedding plans AGAIN!!! I have no doubt that he loves me and he has taken my daughter in as his own. When we first met, his gram was alive and she was the one who kept sanity in the household when his mother would overreact but now she is gone. Although his mother says she talks through her all of the time. You may think I am exagerating but I have barely scratched the surface and I don't know what to do. My daughter has loved and looked up to him almost all of her life, and I do love him just as much but his mother is tearing us apart and he feels that since she took care of him as a child that she is now his responsibilty...SHE IS NOT EVEN 50 years old..she is capable of taking care of herself. Please help!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:27pm

I'm going to give you the best advice for help. DO NOT MARRY HIM.

If you marry him know that you are volunteering to live this way FOREVER, and you give up all rights to ever again complain about her or nag him. You can not want a man, marry a mommys boy, and then nag and whine and complain for the rest of your life that your mommys boy isn't being your man. KWIM? You love him sure, but love is not enough. You will make yourself crazy if you stay and marry him. He won't change. She won't change. Save yourself years of frustration and bitterness and don't do this to yourself. It's your choice, but if you choose to marry him you choose to accept this AS IS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:42pm
I really wish it was that simple. But my daughter is VERY attached and is very much looking forward to this. The little things she does, all the problems she has, all the time he spends with her. None of it bothers me unless it affects me. And her having a say so in our wedding really bothers me. I have to wait for his mother's permission on how we can can have our wedding!!!Thats my problem. The rest I can deal with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:55pm
My response to your first post was going to be "You are marrying this guy, WHY????" I response to this post is, "You are marrying this guy, WHY???????????????"
Your daughter will get over this much faster the sooner you send this guy packing. NO ONE needs to get into this mess through marriage and it would be cruel to force this and the problems that are sure to grow bigger on your child. Save yourself and your child. Run fast and far from these people!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:44am
All I can say, my friend, is end this now. Would you be happy letting your husband have a mistress for your entire married life? Probably not...but, that is what his mother will be for you. If your fiance, or future husband, will be much more attentive to his mother than to you, he doesn't deserve you and either he needs some real growing up to do first, or he just needs to be with his mommy his whole life.
For the life of me, I cannot understand why mothers disable their sons so much. I cannot understand why they don't prepare them to have a happy, independent life instead of creating them to be like puppy dogs when they're 30 year old men. It drives me insane!
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:35am

Run. Like a citizen of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla.

I am serious. Your DF is too involved with Mommy. I think he needs to go back to her and be her lap dog, since that is what he wants to do anyway.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:40am

It IS that simple. You cannot keep waiting on this poor excuse for a man, because your child is attached to him. That might sound mean, but in the long run, it is best for you and your daughter if you decide right now if you want to live like this forever.

You will never be first with him. Your daughter will never be first with him. Any children you might have with him will never ever be first with him. His life is Mommy. Sad, isn't it? I mean, you don't even know if you WILL be marrying this guy. After all, MOMMY has put a stop to it already. He is not going against Mommy.

This is so obvious, it is not even funny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 2:48pm
I have to say I am so disappointed in all of the resposes I have received. As women, we have been manipulators for thousands of years. There has to be a better and sneakier way to rid myself of this devil woman. To tell you the truth I don't fell it is right to leave him in her fangs the way his father did. I was very close to his gram before shhe passed and I know she wouldn't want me to leave him to the evil forces of his mother either. There has to be another way, I call out to those women who have rolled the dice and won. I need creativity here not advice to just give up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 2:50pm
I have to say I am so disappointed in all of the resposes I have received. As women, we have been manipulators for thousands of years. There has to be a better and sneakier way to rid myself of this devil woman. To tell you the truth I don't fell it is right to leave him in her fangs the way his father did. I was very close to his gram before shhe passed and I know she wouldn't want me to leave him to the evil forces of his mother either. There has to be another way, I call out to those women who have rolled the dice and won. I need creativity here not advice to just give up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 2:51pm
I have to say I am so disappointed in all of the resposes I have received. As women, we have been manipulators for thousands of years. There has to be a better and sneakier way to rid myself of this devil woman. To tell you the truth I don't fell it is right to leave him in her fangs the way his father did. I was very close to his gram before shhe passed and I know she wouldn't want me to leave him to the evil forces of his mother either. There has to be another way, I call out to those women who have rolled the dice and won. I need creativity here not advice to just give up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 2:52pm
I have to say I am so disappointed in all of the resposes I have received. As women, we have been manipulators for thousands of years. There has to be a better and sneakier way to rid myself of this devil woman. To tell you the truth I don't fell it is right to leave him in her fangs the way his father did. I was very close to his gram before shhe passed and I know she wouldn't want me to leave him to the evil forces of his mother either. There has to be another way, I call out to those women who have rolled the dice and won. I need creativity here not advice to just give up.

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