FIL, SIL & BIL won't let us live...HELP!
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| Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:51pm |
Okay I'm back and in need of more advice. I thought after almost 3 whole months it would have stopped by now, but boy was I wrong.
This is my story ... my FIL and SIL & BIL have been very rude and racist to me and my family. They ruined my wedding day by yelling and screaming at me and my family in front of all our guest. They made racist comments and my FIL got in my and my mothers face. My SIL has just been straight out rude ... she was late to everything we did for the wedding party and would only stay for 5 minutes. She has told my DH that I'm trying to ruin the family and that everything is my fault. My BIL wanted my DH to lie to me and sneak around my back and he wanted to fight my brother b/c he was trying to calm his dad down from yelling at my mom. There is so much more that these people have done, but I'm going to try to make it short.
So after everything I told my DH that I couldn't take the abuse anymore. His family didn't want to own up to what they did and they were still trying to cause conflict between us. I told him I thought it was best for us to step away from them a while, so we could build our relationship up and during the time we could forgive and forget what they did. My DH told his family about a month ago that we were going to step away because of the way they have treated us. He told them that I needed to feel part of the family and with the calling all the time and starting problems it wasn't going to happen. He told them it wouldn't be forever just till we were settled.
You would think they would stop right? Nope!!! They continue to call and text everyday. Last night was so much drama because of them, but let me start here first.
On Sunday my BIL texted my DH telling him that their dad wanted to see him and for him to meet him somewhere, but not to tell me. just to sneak out. I was pissed when i read this message. I called my BIL and FIL and told them that our marriage doesn't work that and I don't appreciate them wanting my DH to sneak around. I told them that I told my DH that his dad wanted to see him, but my DH didn't want to see him.
So yesterday we got a phone call from his dad. My DH asked his dad if he knew why we asked them to stay away because it seemed like they couldn't respect our wishes and this is what his response was "We're your blood family. We'll always be here." Than we asked him why he always says that and this is what he said "When I married your mom I thought it was forever ... when I married my second wife I thought it was forever ... when you were with your high school g/f you thought it was forever. It's not!!" Than he was told that we were trying to make things work out and our relationship wasn't like those relationships. We truly loved each other and his response "her love is only if you do things for her like not talk to us." (how can they tell my DH what my love is? I left my family, job, friends and life for this man. I've put up with so much drama and hurt for this man, but they want to tell him what my love is!!). My DH told him that he needed to get over what-ever problem he had with me b/c I'm his family and I'm the one that's going to give him kids and grow old with, but still my DH was determined that they were his family and i wasnt. My DH finally asked him not to call or text anymore until he could respect us and especially me.
Well late last night we were in bed asleep and the phone went off ... it was my SIL!! She wanted to know what my problem was ... why was I keeping the family apart? Why was I making him choose? I'm supposed to bring the family together not pull them apart. They have never done anything to me for me to act like this. That my DH needed to put his foot down in our relationship and tell me that I was wrong. That if our realtionship was really meant to be like God wanted it to be than we should last no matter what. That they were his family, not me. They have been good to me and all I'm doing is causing trouble and so on. My DH told her that it wasn't me ... it was them. What they did at our wedding wasn't right and that they won't even own up to it. He told her how was I supposed to feel like family and keep us together if they have been treating me the way they have and for no good reason. But during this whole conversation I was the one to blame and they were the innocent party. Finally he told her just like he told his dad Please stay away. Don't call, text or visit. We just want to live our lives now. Her response "their not going to stop, so we better get used to it even if we don't like it."
So this is where I need the advice ... what do we do?? We've ignored them, I've told them to stop, my DH has told them to stop and they just WON'T!!! I'm going crazy!! I haven't done anything to these people ... I have treated their son/brother good. You think they would be happy with that, but their not. I'm just so lost ... I can't take anymore of their messages saying that their his blood family and I'm not. My DH is trying, but they won't even listen to him.
Does anyone know what to do??

This goes way beyond normal inlaw annoyances. This is flat out criminal activity.
Change the phone number. Change your email addresses. If they come over, call the police. Get a restraining order if you have to. Don't let them ruin your lives. Let them know that they you mean business. It might be "family", but they are acting like stalkers. What they are doing is illegal. Harassment. As a last resort, move far away and don't leave any forwarding information.
You and your husband are at the pivotal moment in this whole situation. Your next course of action will FOREVER determain whether they abide by your wishes or continue walking all over you two.
What you do is file a harassment report to the police station and inquire about restraining orders. There are laws against what they're doing. You change your phone number and do not give it out except for those who you want to have it and you tell them to NOT pass the number along.
You've asked nicely, politely. They have never had reason to believe anything up until now so naturally they don't believe him now. But you and your DH have to decide how you want things to go. Do you want to make an unequivocal stand together? Or do you want to reinforce to his family that they're right by allowing them to come assunder?
I agree with the others - change your numbers and get caller ID.
If not, at least turn the ringers off on your phones when you go to bed. We do that all the time. Then you're not going to be woken up to have some moron berate you AND then lose sleep b/c you can't fall back to sleep afterward.
M2E
First of all I want to thank all of you that have responded, but we have changed our number and didn't help. Some how and some where they got a hold of it. No one will admit to giving our number out, but someone did!!
My DH thinks if we keep ignoring them they'll stop, but I dont think they will. He says they continue because when they start to attack me we end up fighting back and that's giving in. He said if they start to attack just to ignore them after a while they'll finally realize that we mean business. Do you think that's true? Do you think we should just contine to ignore them when they start to call and text with such harsh words about me? Or should we say something back?
I thought about involving the law, but my DH really thinks in the back of his heart that after a while this will all blow off and they'll apologize and maybe things can go back to being a little normal, so he really doesn't want to involve them. I kind of understand where he's coming from because it is his family, but I also see what's going on and it just seems like there is no stopping them.
And with the Holidays coming up I know our phone is going to be ringing off the hook. I can already imagine the messages they will be leaving for my DH. I'm trying to prepare myself, but is there really any way of preparing yourself for In-laws that just won't let you live???
So I'm still stuck and have no idea what to do...
How about calling the phone company and blocking their numbers.
I understand how your DH doesn't want to involve the law because he has a fantasy of the happy getting-along family. Sooner or later he's going to have to accept reality though. Evil going by the alias of family is still evil.
I heard something today. Only a boy is put in the middle of his wife and his family. A man sides with his wife.
Even if hell did freeze over and they appologised, great. But you can't unring that bell.
Okay so this is where I am at right now in this whole drama ...
My DH asked me today if I was willing to sit down with his family and talk. He wants us to give them our side of the story and than listen to theirs. I can understand where he's coming from, but than I can't. I'm just so tired of these people and now he wants me to sit down and talk to them after all they have done.
I know it might turn out good, but after everything that's gone on I don't see how. I can already see us sitting there and me telling my FIL that he was wrong and him getting upset. My DH thinks we can have a calm talk and solve our problems (hasn't he been around for the last 3 months ... nothing is ever calm between us!!) I just don't feel like having my FIL in my face again yelling at me or having my SIL throw all her blame on me.
My DH really wants this and I don't blame him b/c it is his family, but should I really have to sit there and listen to them give their side of the story?? Any Advice on what to do??
Hmmm. I see you sitting, captive, with *those* people ganging up on you. Does he really, truly, see his father and siblings as reasonable? Does he really, truly think they will be Polite and Civil while his uppity little wifey tells *them* they are wrong?
If you do consent to this, please, Please, PLEASE keep the car keys in your hand or in your pants pocket where YOU can get them in a hurry. And let this young man know that as soon as YOU *feel* attacked (don't let him "analyze" their behavior while they verbally assault you) you will leave! With or without him. And if it's without him, he gets to find his own way home.
AND, get it in writing that if these people are anything but contrite and pleasant, reaching out to heal relationship, then you are DONE! You will never be asked to put your self in front of these people for any reason UNTIL they have *sincerely* apologized for their behavior and promise to do better in future.
That's my opinion, if it helps, great. If not, oh well. I still wish you well, and do sincerely hope that his foo gets it together and knocks off the immature BS.
ilve2read