Need advice please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Need advice please!!!
3
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:44am
Hi All, I need some advice. I am 32 and my fiance is 29, we have been in a long distance relationship. I came to visit him in his home in the USA and left my home in Canada.
We are planning to get married after Christmas but something my future MIL said is making me very nervous.During my visit we've been staying with his parents. He is his mother's only child, and therefore they are very close. She said something to me yesterday that put my guard up. She made a comment that she can't wait until we have babies and that she would hope we would never break up after that because she would not want to get in between that arguement. Then she said that most women would want to take the child with them but oh, no, she wouldnt go for that. She actually said, it would not be pretty for anyone involved. I was stunned, and speechless and so angry. I have wanted kids all my life and the thought of anyone fighting me for them really angers me. A little background, she and I get along well, we have the same ideas of life but we have butted heads before. She does not want her son moving to Canada and feels that it is ok for me to move here because my parents have two other children. She apologized to me later but I still think its how she really feels. She and I have also had private conversations and then I find out that she has told my fiance about them. He doesnt come out and tell me but he'll use the same wording as she used and it wasnt just once. Is this a sign of what is to come? If my babies are born in the United States and he and I split up won't it be hard to take them back to Canada with me? I spoke to my fiance and he said not to worry about what she says, she's just like that. I am worried. Very worried. I dont know if I should pack up and hit the road or stick this through. I do love him and we get along great but I do not want to be pinned against his mother...Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:20pm

I think it is counter productive to be going into a marriage planning stipulations of what to do when you two split up with the kids. Far better to sit and discuss that if you have children you two will NOT split up and will stay and make it work for everybody's sake.

I wouldn't worry too much about what his mother said. She's nervous and understandably so. With the divorce rate so high and reigning chaos on the lives of children so capreciously with the whims of the parents, it's not a far stretch for her to worry that you would take the kids and move back to Canada and she'd never see her beloved grandbabies again. She's most likely thinking out loud and trying to put out feelers for how you think of the topic in general. She realized on some level that she crossed a line, that's why she appologised. Since he is her only child, he is her only chance at grandchildren, and she's just vocalizing her fears of the negatives of what could be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:35pm

I understand what you are saying and appreciate your insight. It isnt really my intention to get married with plans of divorce, I just like to cover all my basis and I'm a very "what if" kindof person. I dont want to split up a future family life and I guess if I were back on my familiar ground with my family support system at arms reach instead of a phone call away, I wouldnt have taken her comment to heart. I just feel alone and confused sometimes and I guess I felt threatened by what she said.

Thanks again for your advice, I helped shed light on the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:38pm

>>>She and I have also had private conversations and then I find out that she has told my fiance about them. He doesnt come out and tell me but he'll use the same wording as she used and it wasnt just once.<<<

To me that is a potential red flag. Do you think he in turn tells her things about your relationship? If they are so close that they share things like this, they may feel that is a natural thing to do. But it's a BIG mistake for adults to tell their parents about problems in their romantic relationships. Parents will almost always take the side of their offspring, right or wrong, and carry bad feelings toward the spouse. Just a thought.

BTW, I hope you don't say anything to his family, mom in particular, that you wouldn't say to him. She's his mother first. Your relationship to her comes far down on her list of loyalties.

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