My MIL is a Moocher

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
My MIL is a Moocher
6
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:34am

When I met my husband 14 years ago, he barely spoke of his mother and when he did, it wasn't in the best light. When I met her, she was nice enough. Actually, I guess a kid would call her cool. She is younger than my mom and far more laid back. To a 19 year old, it's fun. Plus we only saw her once in a while. There was a distance between my husband and his mother and while it made for some issues that we had to work through as a couple (nobody had taught him any better), it also worked because we never had any holiday or time issues. My family got all the time because my family was the only ones that paid us any attention.

Over the years, it's become obvious that my MIL favors my husband's younger brother over him because my husband reminds her too much of their father. She takes his children out, keeps them over the weekend and just generally communicates with him more. That wouldn't bother me either IF...

When she spends all of her money (which she seems to do rather often), she calls my husband. She didn't call him on his birthday, she didn't call either of my sons on their birthdays, she didn't even answer the phone when we called her on mother's day, but she calls when she's broke for my husband to give her money. It's insulting and frustrating. She does stupid things like rent a car for MONTHS instead of repairing her own then calls for a us credit card to hold it on "until her money comes". She was going on a shopping trip with her youngest daughter but couldn't because she'd loaned money to my husband's younger brother and he hadn't paid it back. She couldn't POSSIBLY tell his sister they weren't going so, my husband was expected to finance this. Please note, these "loans" are NEVER paid back.

Sometimes he gives it to her, sometimes he doesn't. I think sometimes he sneaks it to her because despite their distance, he likes the idea of being her hero. I've told my husband that I could understand his soft spot as it is his mother, however, she's taking money from ALL OF US. Not just him. We're not well off. We work hard and have two active boys to pay for. Somehow, she thinks we've - no HE's got money to spare. Even if he did have money to spare it would be because I'm taking up the slack. Jeez. She will ask for him or call until she reaches him to avoid telling me the problem like it makes a difference. Further, we can't depend on her for ANYTHING. Not even to be a grandmother.

I'm not used to parents like her. My mom would never have done anything like that. Which brings on more frustration. My mother passed last year and I swear it seems like my children have no grandmother at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:37pm
I'm sorry. Your husband thinks he can buy her love and good graces. It sounds like you're right. Your children do not have a grandma. There is a woman who gave birth to their daddy. I know it is painful, especially with the loss of your own mom, but you can't squeeze blood out of a rock. You can't pay that rock to give you blood. KWIM?

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:42pm
I am with you. What an incredibly pitiful situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:53pm

Exactly. I feel even worse because i get upset that my husband would even try to buy her love. He seems so nonchalant about so many important things, that it bothers me that he buys into her crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:14pm
No, he doesn't buy into her crap. He buys into his NEED to feel loved by her, even if it is just fake and fleeting. He buys the momentary feeling of acceptance by her. I think you should go get him the book BAD CHILDHOOD GOOD LIFE. He knows that he is getting a trade off. He might not fully know the psychological reasons, but he knows that his own mother doesn't love him, or at the very least doesn't like him. And he knows that he can get a fraction of what he's always wanted from her if he hands money over to her. It's the price he's willing to pay. Which brings me back to the book. Once he accepts that he can't pay her to be the mother he wishes she were, he'll stop paying her and just accept her in all her selfishly flawed glory.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:22pm
I'm on my way to Amazon hoping he'll read it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 12:05am

Hi Minasinclair, welcome to the board!!

It sounds like your husband needs to be needed. It also sounds like he is trying to buy her love. She doesn't make any effort to contact him, you or the kids, except when she needs something for HER. Isn't your husband tired of being a doormat for his mother? Sorry to be sooo blunt, but basically that is what he is being when she doesn't do anything for him and he is financing her shopping sprees, etc. and she can't even call him to wish him a happy birthday.

Hopefully one day he will realize that his mother is using him. Until then, he is going to keep doing giving her $$.

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