My boyfriends parents
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My boyfriends parents
| Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:52pm |
Anyone, everyone please help! Here's the situation...I am a mother of 4 children and I am 28 years old. I met my current boyfriend when I was 26 at a club where he was working. When we first started dating it was just for fun you know a friend with benefits kind of thing. Well two months after dating he was laid-off from his job and decided to move back home with mom and dad in NJ. Well his mom told him to move back home until he got back on his feet. Anyway, when I found out he was moving back home I also found out that he had told his mom everything about me....the fact that I had 3 children (at this point he had not met my children), the fact that I was married but legally seperated and the fact that this relationship is just for pure fun, he didn't want anything long-term. I was in the room when he told his mom that he was still dating me and that we decided we were still going to "talk" long-distance. She was like omg you don't need crap like that in your life...she's got children you really need to think about this. When you come back home you will see you don't want that anymore. That was the summer of 2004..his birthday is in August so for his 25th birthday his parents were throwing him this big bash he had already invited me. I thought great I can show his parents that I am not some tramp...I was married for god sake and my ex-husband cheated on me NOT MY FAULT at all. Well so I thought it would be great until the day he moved away...he told me that his parents didn't want me there so I was uninvited. He told me that they didn't agree with him dating me and they didn't think he was old enough to deal with the situation that I was in. I just brushed it off thinking whatever I'll just grab the girls and we will have a girls night out here at home. We dated for a full year long distance. He was only 4 hours away so about two times a month we would see each other for like a day or two each of us taking turns driving back and forth. Except when I went down there it was a big secret I still wasn't allowed near his family and had to stay in a different town in a hotel and he never told his parents where he was going in fact...his little sister is a year older than my daughter and was very interested in speaking to me so he put her on the phone one day and we talked briefly about her upcoming birthday and how I would love to meet her someday....well her mom found out about it and told this poor little 10 year old that she was not allowed to converse with me ever again never giving her a reason. FINALLY my bf moved back here and moved in with me and my children whom he obviously met during his visits here to NY. Well about a month later I became pregnant not planned at all but I decided to keep the baby and after many many talks he agreed. So months went by and we found out at 5 months we were having a boy and he still had not told his parents who were still stewing about the fact he had moved in with me....finally in February of 06 I said you need to tell them the baby was due in June. So he called and told them I was in the room and I could hear screaming through the phone I knew this was going to happen his mother was saying I can't believe this your life is screwed not etc etc. 3 days went by and he had not heard anything from his parents. Then one day he gets a letter sent through fed ex from his father (step-father) this letter was the most horrible letter i have and will ever read in my whole life. In the letter his step-father calls me more names than I can list on one sheet of paper and tells him to get out of the relationship now there was nothing holding him there with me and if I wanted child support I would have to chase him down...then they told him that they hated his decision so much that they were taking him out of the will. WELL, May 19th came and we had a little boy Austin. He told his parents that I was in labor and 4 hours later he gets a call His parents were in town and were coming to see the new baby. I was like OMG I just gave birth and now I have to endure this so I tried to be the bigger person and let them in to see there baby NOONE talked to me they all talked around me but then one of my best friends showed up and i went for a walk with her and cried. I just didn't understand. NOW I am going to his family's house for my first thanksgiving with my family (parents,bros etc)and his mother wants to "talk" about everything from how much she doesn't want her son being with me to me having her first grandson. This has put a HUGE dent into my relationship. I want to end things with my boyfriend because of his parents and the reason for that is he never sticks up for me he says that he does stick up for me because he's still with me and we need to make sacrafices just like he made the sacrafice to take on my 3 children. This is what he said to me today. NOW I really don't want to go to NJ but I want to still be with my son and still be the bigger person. HELP! I don't know how to deal with this anymore. It's such an uncomfortable situation for me to be in and what do I say to his mother when she wants to have this talk. What i really want to say is get over it we've been together for over 2years and we have a child together there isnt anything to say besides I already know what you've said about me and how you feel. AAARGGHHHH! very very frustrating.

WOW
I was speechless after I read your post. Such negativity. His parent's don't have the hold on him that they think they do, this is why you get the badmouthing and name calling. You instinct to get out of this relationship seems like one you should listen to. I don't mean to make you upset. But, his mom is ready to confront you about her dislike of her son being with you, so this doesn't sound like something to walk into. If you go there, put up the shield around you so that the comments fly off. Don't respond, and walk away, when bad things are said. If your bf won't stand up for you, and no, just being with you isn't standing up for you in my eyes, then you have your answer as to what to do. Your children shouldn't see their mother being disrespected, that I know. It doesn't sound your bf's mom will respect you as a mom, or as the other half of your boyfriend. Don't stand for it.
GL
Liz
Thanks so much for your reply. I think its better to get an outsiders opinion. Everything you said makes perfect scense. This feeling of getting out of this situation started happening the moment that letter came. I should have listened to myself then.
Thanks again!
Hi Mamaofanaa, welcome!
First off, I don't think his mother has any right to want to "talk" to you about your relationship with her son. If it were me, I wouldn't talk to her about it. She has no right butting in your business. If she wants to talk to her son that is one thing, but to talk to you about it is over the line.
Why can't your bf stick up for you? Why can't he tell his parents to butt out? Have you told him how his lack of support makes you feel?
Edited 11/20/2006 11:59 pm ET by cl-stretch123
Yes I have told him how I felt so many times I can't even count. All he says is he's proved his point to his parents by moving here to be with me. I told him I don't want to talk to his mother I don't need to prove myself to ANYONE. He thinks that it might clear the air....in my eyes thats not possible you don't call someone you don't know and never laid eyes on a whore and tell someone to leave their pregnant girlfriend and abandon their child.
I tell you what if he has no plans to stick up for me this time around I'm going to do it for myself then maybe they will have a reason to talk crap about me.
Thanks for replying!
Honey, do you really want to get yourself further involved with this family? If you read other posts on this board (and other boards relating to inlaws), you'll find people who've said that while they love thier dh, they wish they'd never gotten involved with the family.
It does seem that you have a boyfriend problem, not a future in-law problem. If your BF can't be a man and be honest with his parents, be honorable in his remarks about you and protect you (the mother of his child) - - then is he someone that you want to commit to for life? The impression that his mother holds had to come from him, at least at the beginning of the relationship. He hid you (not the actions of a real man), is 'proving his point' by his actions, but isn't defending you and protecting you from his parents(not the actions of a real man), and lied to his parents about you (not the actions of a real man). This doesn't sound like someone who can take on the responsiblity of a family and be a real man. Not to mention the comment he made to you about 'taking on' your other kids. Nope. I wouldn't deal with all that! You deserve someone who will love you and your kids, not be burdened by it all.
I hope you take some time and think through this situation before you get yourself more deeply involved with this messed up family.
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