MIL Wanting to Move Back Here.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
MIL Wanting to Move Back Here.....
6
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 5:33pm

DH's

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 6:33pm

*kick* (I hope that wasn't *too* hard)

I think your instincts are right on the money. You would wind up resenting her, and have no relationship with her after your husband is "forced" to kick her out.

Maybe insist she have a job before she gets here and you "help" her into an apartment? With a *written* agreement that she be on her own after a certain date? It's a contract to ensure that everyone is agreeing to the same thing because you love her too much to risk your relationship being damaged by misunderstanding. It's the truth, according to your post, but it also may make it more "palatable" to her.

Good luck!!!!!

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 6:52pm
I think a contract is a GREAT idea based on an experience we have had. MIL moved in with us for 6 months and didn't get a job until about 5 months into it because she felt her job was running the household while DH and I worked. It put a huge strain on all of the relationships in the house and OH BOY was I resentful!
"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." ~Albert Einstein
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 6:54pm

No, you can't allow her to move in with you, and thankfully you and your DH know that. It doesn't sound like whether or not to do it is the problem, because you both know the answer is no. It's diplomatically telling her so that is the problem. He can say to her "mom, you know we love you, so if you really want to move back I'll help you find a place, but you can't stay with us because it is just too much. I'll send you the Apartment Guide book so you can start looking through and planning your trip here."

Offer up the solution and alternative while lovingly and politely telling her no.

A helpful side note that you might be interested in. Honoring your mother/father does NOT mean allowing them to cause your marriage to be put assunder. In fact, if she is allowed in and it is damaging to your marriage it is DIShonoring her, because her job as mother was to raise her children to leave her and put their spouse and family before her. Letting her come in between you two tells her that she did a lousey job, and there is no honor in telling her that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:30pm

Thanks for the advice thus far. It puts things into perspective for me.


Well MIL called back tonight wanting to know if we made an answer and DH and I talked to her together. We basically told her that we love her too much to have our hard work in creating a strong, stable relationship with her ruined over a stressful situation as her moving in with us.


She tried the guilt trips of "Well I thought I could go to family first but I guess I'll do it on my own since I always have up to this point and have gotten by". I could see DH beginning to cave but he held his own.


Unfortunately she only has ONE other resort and that is asking her friend if she can stay there for awhile until she finds a job and a place of her own. Unfortunately if that doesn't work, we seriously have no choice but to let her live here for awhile. We can't throw her on the street.


However she has NO idea that we are considering this as a last resort. The reasons we didn't let her know this is she

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 1:26pm
Here is the thing. If she doesn't have a job already lined up for when she gets back, how is she going to be able to afford to move? She needs to get a job first, then move, not the other way around. See if she moves back now with no job lined up, she can use that as an excuse to not have a place, or be able to get one. No one will rent her a place without some proof of income. Unless she still has some money left. Still she needs a job first. I know you want to help her out, but I wouldn't let her move without a job lined up first. What would she do if you had kids and there was no room at your house anyway?

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Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 8:27pm

Hey Mug :)


Good thing is she has a good amount of $$$ in the bank and will find a place as soon as she has a job. The hard part is that she is in Denver and wants to live and work back here in Nebraska so it would be much easier for her to have a place to stay here in Nebraska while she is looking for a job.


I have alot of great resources I can line her up with to help her find a job and am not afraid to help her make her way around the city. She will just need to understand that DH and I both work so our time will be limited.


We'll see; pray very hard her friend option works out. If not, then pray for ME!! LOL

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