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help me!
| Tue, 11-21-2006 - 3:53pm |
I have been married for 11 years, which have been hell. For 10 years i put up with my inlaws for the sake of my husband, which now I look back and don't see any good reason why I did. I put up with lies, insults, everything you can think of. But of course I'm not saying I would just sit there, it was a constant battle and I simply feel I have better things to do than sit there and argue with someone who doesn't care about making it better. Finally about a year ago I started distancing myself from them, feeling that that was the only way to keep me from losing my sanity. Now though it just seems like divorce is right around the corner if I don't start coming around, and doing what they want and how they want it.. Every month we get at least 5 invitations over to his sisters or mom's or whoever, she calls 2 or 3 times a day to remind my husband of the gathering even though she knows i'm not going, and since we don't show up she comes over the next day and , does anything and everything so we don't do anything else other than sit there with them. Even if that means not taking my kids to church!!! She calls and tells my husband how mad his sister is because we didn't go over or how he needs to make me go. I never have told my husband not to go over when they invite or not to call them. I tell him that's his family and unfortunately it has come to me not wanting to be around them but, that shouldn't keep him from them. But I guess he's not listening . I can't stand it any more me and my husband are fighting alot to the point where he raised his hand at me. I know they are trying their hardest to break me, but I don't see why I have to do what they say when they say or why know I have to like them just because all of a sudden they are so thoughtful of me. Please help me, I don't know which way to go.

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He raised his hand to you? Just because you don't want kiss Mommee and Sissy's butt and go over there when they beckon? He is supposed to "make" you go?
WTH is WRONG with him and them? They obviously don't like you. Are they just wanting you to come over to abuse you more.
Him raising his hand to you is unacceptable. Personally, that would be the deal breaker. But, I cannot tell you what to do. You have your own limits. But, I would tell him that the next time he decides to raise his hand to you, he is gone.
I also would tell his mother and sis to go get bent. Tell them you don't like them and know they don't like you and that you will not be going to visit them. And that they are to leave you alone. If they don't, you can get a restraining order. You have the right to live in peace.
Why is it SO freaking important that you go over to see them, to your DH? Why does he think it is okay for you to take abuse for years from them?
this is wrong on so many levels. you wanted advice so I will offer mine. I understand 100% if it is not what you wanted.
Why are you with this guy?? Either he needs to start standing up for you or I would be so outta there. Do you really want this for the rest of your life - no?? Well then either hubby needs to be on your side as your partner in life or he has got to go. If mummies boy isn't going to support you then I don't understand why you would want to stay in a situation like that.
If it is really that bad then leave. Because why waste time being unhappy when you DESERVE to be happy.
but that is just me. I have inlaw crappola too. And I swear if boyfriend wasn't helping me that I would leave his ass in a minute.
follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange
Hugs and thoughts to you on what you are going through. My late husband was a mama's boy in which I felt through the whole marriage (12 years) MIL and I were playing tug-o-war over my late husband. He treated his mother like a queen and would do things for her first. My late husband and I always argued over MIL and didn't get along because of her. Late husband passed away 6.5 years ago and MIL has pulled many things on me to name a few (1) after my late husband's funeral we all gathered at a hall to eat and then after we ate everyone went to MIL's house, they took all the food, did not offer me food, did not invite me to their house, and to top it off FIL kept asking me if he could take my boys with them (ages 6 and 8), of course I said no that my boys will come home with me, 2) a year after late husband passed away IL's had a 50th wedding anniversary, invited my boys to be in the celebration, and did not even send me an invitation, 3) on the holidays they always invite my boys over, don't invite me, and tell me since I have the boys for Thanksgiving, they want my boys for Christmas, makes me feel like I am divorced sharing custody rights, 4) MIL has never complimented me on what I do right, always telling me what I have done wrong, 1.5 years ago she told me 10 things I was doing wrong on a telephone conversation, 5) whenever I would ask the IL's to babysit my boys, I would give them $20 for gas to run the boys around, take food for the boys, and pay them money so that they would not have the right to say that I was using them and here I am out having fun and not providing for my boys; and the one time I didn't bring anything over or offered them money, the FIL followed me outside asking me for money because he said it costs money to take the boys places, stated to FIL I did not have money on me, he requested a check in which I told him I did not have a check, and I would pay him when I got back - come to find out he took the boys to a local kids baseball game that cost a $1.00 a piece to get in - I was very pissed off and got into it with MIL, since then we have not talked - sad to say going on 2 years and my boys aren't allowed to go to her house because she does not respect me, 6) MIL tells my boys that I say things that are not true - one time I took my son's CD player away because he got in trouble, to be honest, I could not remember where I placed it, as you mother's know when we hide things from our children we start forgetting where we hide them - MIL told my son if I didn't find the CD I owed MIL $35 because she bought it for my son, 7) I have really tried to distance myself from the family because they create a lot of stress in my household, MIL totally stresses me out, I can't handle her - Brother in-law called me and left a message last week, I didn't return the call, two days later SIL calls and leaves a message, I didn't return her call either, then on the fourth day brother-in-law called and left a message on my phone saying that if I didn't return the call within 45 minutes he was coming by my house - I call his house 45 minutes later, he wasn't their, and told SIL to tell BIL he does not have permission going to my house. Crossing my fingers that I don't hear from them soon - I hope they got the message because I would say it's harrassment. My husband's been deceased for 6.5 years and I am still fueding with MIL - Believe me, I want them to leave me alone. I won't call them on my own nor go over their because they don't respect me. Right before my late husband passed away I was getting ready to file for divorce because I could not take the stress of the marriage, he was verbally/physically abusive with me, used to tell me he only loved my boys, and I was lucky he did not beat me up; beleive me, if my mother was alive I would have left his but a long time prior. I didn't try to get out sooner because I was afraid he would take my boys from me becaue his parents have money to provide him for legal fees and I didn't have the funds in which I was afraid he would take my boys from me. When late husband and I got into an arguement, husband would call his mother and tell her everything, which basically she has resented me all along. MIL would always call the house and ask late husband if I was going to family functions and what was going on. My MIL is horible. I would say from my entire marriage of 12 years, maybe 2 years were eh. My advise to you is to do what you feel is right deep down in your heart, you deserve to be respected and it looks like your Husband is blind to his mother, in which he will always be blind - my MIL's family don't understand why I am so upset with MIL - they are all blind. Remember that you don't have to be in a relationship to function - you will do just fine. I was very lonely in my marriage and now that I am single I am not lonely at all and loving it. I would also suggest you get some counseling to help you sort things out - you need to look out for you and what's best for you. I wish you well.
Anna
Annameow,
You do realize that you have absolutely NO obligation to your inlaws and do NOT have to let them have access to YOUR children, right?
I am hoping my husband doesn't die before me, because I would not put it past my inlaws to try to make it all about them. However, I am at the point with them, that I hope I would have the strength to tell them to Get Bent and I am doing what I want, not what they want as far as funeral, etc. Of course, I will have my best friend with me, who would definitely say something to them.
Change your number and if they try to get into your home, have them arrested. Let them know that you are not the whipping boy and that they have no "right" to your children. They do not deserve to see your kids, and your kids deserve better than to be around people who disrespect their mother. Personally, I would do what I could to move far away and not leave a forwarding address/phone number.
Your MIL, by lying to your kids, is abusing them and trying to poison them against you. For that reason alone, IMO, you should cut it off now. You need to step up and take up for yourself. Tell them YOUR children and anything regarding them is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Mom2danjam,
I had to laugh when reading you email because what you said I totally believe. Beleive me, I do not call them, know I don't owe them anything, know that I am the parent, have stayed away because I am not going to allow the MIL to treat me like this (have told MIL, SIL, and BIL I am not going to allow MIL to disrespect me, pick on me, manipulate my boys, and for MIL to go pick on somebody else because I am not going to let MIL pick on me anymore. Funny part about your email is that I have already changed my home number becaue MIL would call my boys when I was't home to see what was going on, like she did all the time with late husband being noisy. The only number I did not change was my cell so that if they want contact with my boys they have to go through me. I have written several letters to MIL telling her that I don't appreciate her manipulating us all, disrecpting me to my boys, saying things to them that is not true, and that she has never accepted/liked me up to this day and never will. The last letter I sent her was 1.5 years ago, adding to the letter that I was going to discontinue contact with MIL if this behavior continued - have yet to hear from MIL, but BIL and SIL will call for the boys so that MIL/FIL can see them. I have let my boys see their family but the rule is that they are not allow to spend the night at MIL/FIL's house nor can they drive my boys around - my boys use to go over family's house regularly and hardly go now. My oldest who is 14 now sides with MIL because she get's him what he wants - in which I have told my son over and over if the MIL didn't disrespect me I would have no problem with them seeing their family. Yesterday morning when I got up the thought crossed my mind to move - believe me I have been wanting to move far away to get away from them all. I have an appointment tomorrow with real-estate agent to see how much I can get for my house, buy a home in a smaller town about 45 min-1 hour from where I am, and what's out there price wise because on a single parent income and having to commute to work (more money on gas) will add to living expenses. Thanks for your advise. Hope all goes well for you.
Anna
Dear help me!,
I have been with my husband for nearly 7 years. Your message caught my eye,like you I have recently isolated myself from my husbands family (mostly his parents). I have spent the last six years putting up with my MIL's manipulative behavior, it wasn't until recently when she started to manipulate my children, that I had lost it. I calmly (not easy done) sat down with my husband and told him this:
(I know she is your mother and that you love her, but I am your wife. The day is going to come when our parents pass away, then we will be the only ones in each others lives, and since I am still madly in love with you and plan on being with you until I am old and gray you need to pull yourself together and be a man. If you keep on the way your going I am going to make Deborah from Everybody loves Raymond, look like St. Wifely. So what is it going to be?)
That little talk shaped him up really quick! We are on week three of Mr. Nice Guy. He even stood up for me (the first time ever) Thursday at dinner.
I am not in line for the next Dear Abby, but I am good at sharing stories and have been told that I have a pretty strong shoulder. My heart goes out to you and your children, I know that it is not easy coming into families that dont apperciate us like our own families do, but I do know that sometimes our wonderful Husbands need to be reminded that they need to apperciate us and to remember the reasons why the married us.
Prayers and Positive Thoughts,
married-the-mamaboy
Wow, your story's much like mine. I vented on here a couple of months ago when things were really coming to a head with my hubby and I received some very good responses. I ended up having the final "talk" with hubby...and he chose us. Since then, I had no desire to even be friendly with the mother-in-law/brother-in-law. First couple of weeks, was sooo nice, they stayed away and didn't even call. Then they started coming over and it was so clear to see they were prodding me--but I wouldn't let it work, would just leave. Then about 2 weeks ago, after no luck of pushing my buttons, my mother-in-law came over and wanted to "talk with both of us". Here we are at the dining room table and let me tell you she showed ALL her colors and laid into me right in front of my hubby. It was like I was the root of every problem in her world. I started giving her examples of things that had been done/said and she denied everything. I didn't know what to do any more as we weren't getting anywhere. I got up and started to walk out. Well, I couldn't believe it but my DH actually put his foot down. He gave her very specific situations that had occurred in the past, some of which I didn't even realize. He totally stood up for me and even told her that his family now comes first. So, that went good for us and bad for her. Oh well...and it's been truly wonderful. All our friends and my family have asked if we are on a "second honeymoon or what"...lol
Then came Thanksgiving. We invited her but she went to other son's instead (YEAAHH)...but came over here for dessert. I just stayed busy in the kitchen area. She must be trying some new tactics because she was sickeningly sweet as pie, especially to my kids. But, she left after 30 minutes--YEEAAAH...
Christmas is coming so it's going to get really interesting now. She can't seem to get it through her head that I am pretty much done with her games. I have no intention of getting together during any upcoming holiday. I didn't marry her or her other son. In fact, I don't like them and wouldn't even have them as a friend even if we weren't "family."
Soooo....if you want your marriage to work, you gotta fight until you get it through his head...of course, if you don't think you are going to get it through his head then you will have to let go...Keep reading and figure out exactly what you are going to say (or write it in a letter). My hubby had no concept of his wife and children come first over everything (even if we are wrong)....but he has finally realized it.
Good luck,
Lena
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