Need opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Need opinions
8
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 1:41pm
In August we went to see my inlaws. They hate me and thats putting it mildly. I stayed at the hotel or found other things to do alone while he visited them for 6 days. I was definately not welcome at their house, or on any outings he went on with them.
He promised to take me to the Benihana restaurant one evening while we were there as a thank you for having to entertain myself. That afternoon, he called and said his aunt decided to have a barbecue that evening so our prior dinner plans were postponed until the next afternoon.
The next afternoon we were leaving to fly back and he spent the day with his family saying goodbye. After I checked out of the hotel, I spent the reamining time waiting in a parking lot in front of a schoool two blocks away because I wasnt invited to the house and its a very bad neighborhood. He called when he was ready to get picked up. We barely had time to make the airport, forget getting food.
Of course, I was promised the dinner when we returned home, since there is one about 60 miles away.
Its the end of November and I have reminded him 4 times of his promise, and still no dinner. He claims he just forgets and its up to me to remind him. I say he should remember it on his own.
Last night, I reminded him again and he said I should be grrateful for all the other things he does for me like not leaving me at work>!?!?!. I have no clue what thats suppose to mean.
SO, I need opinions on this. Tyanks to all for writing back and happy turkey day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 3:11pm

So let me see if I have this straight. You went to visit the in-laws for 6 days, but since they hate you so much, you stayed away and let DH visit them without you. Your thank-you was supposed to be a dinner out, but he reniged on that too. When you reminded him he basically said, "Hey, your lucky I pick you up from work."(paraphrased)

So why did you marry this boy? I'm not seeing too many redeeming qualities. He allows his family to treat you like cr@p. Expects you to just suck it up and he can't even keep a simple promise to you. Wow, I hope he slept on the sofa after that comment.

Frankly I would tell him marriage counselor or lawyer, his choice. You deserve much better than that.

JMHO, take it for what it's worth.
Terri

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 4:03pm

My mouth just hit the desk and my head exploded. He actually thought it was okay that his WIFE is not welcome at his EXTENDED family's houses? He thought it was okay that you wait for him to party and have a fine time with people who hate his WIFE? He says YOU ought to be grateful to HIM?

If I said what I am REALLY thinking right now, I would get booted off this board. This is totally unacceptable. Yet ANOTHER situation where a guy should have never married. He is abusive and they are every nasty name in the book.

I am just flabbergasted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 4:36pm
Why would you allow your husband and his family to treat you this way? The inlaws "hating" you is the least of your problems, your husband obviously has no respect for you or he is just too immature to be married. I would be packed and out of there so fast his head would spin. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You deserve so much better. I would think seriously about leaving and getting some counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:04am

Some people might say/think that your DH should never visit his parents if you're not welcome in their home. I see their point, but each couple has to do what works for them.

What I don't understand, is why you went with him in the first place if you knew you'd be spending your days finding things to do. Next time, consider booking yourself a vacation somewhere else. Someplace fun!

As far as the "thank you" dinner.........your DH is being a jerk. If it were me, I'd make the reservations and inform him he's taking me out on X day at X time. I know you'd like him to remember on his own, but given his other behaviors, do you really expect that to happen?

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:36am

Honestly, I don't understand how a spouse being blatantly and obviously excluded could work for any normal couple. It is abusive and wrong. Spouses who do such things to their partners don't deserve their partners. They need to move back home and not bother with marrying, so no poor woman/man is exposed to such abnormal and mentally abusive situations.

Not fussing at you, just pointing out another view.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 7:57am

Goddess,


The problem here isn't your in-laws, it's your husband. Why would he condone their attitude toward you by indulging in their little game that you don't exist? I'll tell you why: because its more important to go along with the dysfunctional family system (and stay within it), than it is to risk being independent by putting your first. (The price for defying a dysfunctional system is to be cast out from the family. High price for a dysfunctional family member who knows no other way to live.).


So, your husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 10:58am

I totally agree with wisdomtooth's post! The problem isn't your in-laws - it's with your husband! You teach people how to treat you, and that is just what you've done with your hubby. Whether his family "hates" you or not is really irrelevant - you married HIM! You basically "told" him it's OK for him to abandon you in a hotel while he visits his family simply because they don't like you. By his agreeing to what YOU expressed was OK, his family now thinks this is OK too. Instead of making him take a stand for YOU, you have enabled all of them to treat you like a second class citizen not worthy of them even being as polite as they would to a guest in their homes!

You need to first work all of this out with your husband, and not focus on just the dinner he promised you - honey, that's the LEAST of the problems we all see in your post. Either your husband is willing to address this ridiculous situation and stand up to his family for you, or you will always be complaining about his broken promises to you that don't amount to a hill of beans when you think about all he's also not giving you: support, loyalty, backbone, and pride that you are his wife and should always be by his side!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:42pm
I remember when all of this went down and I'm telling you, there just seems to be a huge amount of disrespect for you up and down. I think he should be grateful that you allowed him to treat you so poorly on your trip. I think I would have rather not gone and wished him well. But honestly Angelique, do you want to keep living this way? Didn't you just recover from cancer without alot of help from him? Don't you think you deserve better for yourself? This is not what a marriage should be. I'm being really blunt, I know, but this is not happiness.