Advice please!
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| Thu, 11-23-2006 - 9:41pm |
My husband and I met when he was studying in the UK (I'm from there). I first met my MIL and FIL at his graduation and got on well with them. After that, I came over to the U.S with him on a student visa and planned to work (I could stay for 5 months). He had just started a new job, as a doctor and was very stressed out and I barely saw him. I had a lot of trouble finding a job as we were in a rural area and was also homesick. My IL's lived 1.5 hours away and expected us to visit every week, which was impossible. My BIL was also living with DH and I in a small 2 bedroom apartment. He lived there for 2 months and not once did he pay rent or contribute in any way. When DH was workng nights he would bring friends over and drink, go out at 4am and leave the door open and I had to stay in the bedroom all night. I didn't tell DH half of this as I didn't want to cause trouble.
One day I heard BIL tell DH that I was just using him, that I was a bitch and he didn't know why he wanted me there. DH defended me and said if BIL didn't like it He could go. I tried to make an effort with BIL but he wouldn't really talk to me. I am a quiet person and I know that this sometimes make me seem stand-offish. Well, BIL decided to move back with his parents and work nearby. I was glad when he left. He is not DH's responsibility and was tired of his parents expecting DH to help straighten him out. Our lives settled down a bit but the time came for me to go back to the U.K. DH and I knew that I would be back soon. It was a tough two months with us being apart but I came back and within two weeks DH proposed. We had to get married soon and decided to do it privately so I could apply for my greencard. We arranged the civil ceremony and I told my parents. I left it up to DH to tell his. Well, we got married, it was just the two of us and it was lovely.
A couple of weeks later we went to visit the IL's. They asked to see my engagement ring and FIL said, "Is that a wedding band you have on?". I looked at DH and he said, "I told you guys we got married!". Mil lost it, saying that she didn't know about it and stormed off. She didn't talk to us for two months. Then, one day we visited and she was super-nice again. She invited me to stay over and go to these cooking classes with her friends etc. I did not feel comfortable doing this. I don't do these things with my own mother. I said I couldn't go and she seemed OK with it. Well, then I started working and it was too difficult for me to go anywhere. Now she has been driving me crazy. One day she's really nice and the next she's making these rude comments and insulting me. She actually called me up one day and said I was too quiet and she would help me change!! I said that I had been very quiet but I've come a long way. We have been to dinner since then and she's insulted the way I eat (in front of everyone), insulted my job (like I'm not good enough for her son). I'm tired of her going on at DH for not visiting. The poor guy works up to 100 hours a week and I barely see him. He was working today, Thanksgiving and asked if I wanted to go to IL's for the day. I said no. I didn't want them to have to collect me and bring me home again (I don't drive yet) and I didn't want to go without DH. MIL didn't even call me to ask me, she asked DH. She did this before too and I find it very belittling. DH does not answer for me and I think that the least she can do is ask me directly. I dread talking to her, calling her. I'm tired of her insulting the way I speak (though she speaks with an accent too). I don't want her interfering. I'll visit with them once a month but that's it. I don't see why they should be involved with everything. DH gets tired of her interfering also but I never talk to him about it. I don't want to make him take sides. I get on great with FIL, he's a nice guy and understands that we have our own, very busy lives. I just want to be able to visit there without being afraid of what will come out of her mouth next. I get the feeling she thinks she can treat me like her own child, hence the commenting on what I do and what I wear. She seems like a very childish woman and sulks and makes everything into a drama. I just keep my mouth shut and ignore it. Sorry this is so long but I'm at my wits end. I don't want it to become a problem between me and DH. Should I talk to her about this? I don't know what to do.

Too bad you spent Thanksgiving alone yesterday.
You really need to talk about the whole situation with DH. I wouldn't go directly to his mom unless you want her to totally turn it around and make it like you did something behind
Shelly,
Sounds like your son needs to cut the apron strings! His mother hasn't let go of her son despite his age and education. She still thinks she can snap her fingers and make him jump. He needs to tell his mother to knock it off and tell her that he won't tolerate her treatment of you (or him for that matter). Time for her to grow up and get a new life of her own.