In-law guilt trip

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
In-law guilt trip
13
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:19pm

My husband and I have been married for nearly 6 months. Before we were married, we took possession of our first home and moved in. Big mistake-- inlaws were quite upset and rather rude to us. It was a stresstul time to say the least-- new house, wedding plans, plus work and school, not to mention the lack of support and respect received from his parents. So, after the wedding, things just "return to normal"-- ie, they start calling and wanting to be a part of our lives again, something that disappeared when we moved into the house. I was rather upset, and it was honestly a huge sore spot in our very young marriage. "My parents really aren't the type to apologise in words, but in actions" was his reply. Mine was "calling and inviting us for supper after two months of avoidance is not an apology, it's cowardice." So, in a rather lightly worded email, my husband, who is obviously genetically afraid of confrontation, says "we felt hurt and disrespected by your treatment of us" to which MIL replied "consider this email a great bit hug" (seriously, word for word what she wrote back)....
.... so life goes on. My husband and I have a really great marriage so far... except when the inlaws come into the picture. For example, MIL last minute invited us over for supper tonite, and we declined as we are in the middle of a huge winter storm. She then invited us friday, the day that my hub and I have been planning to get a tree and decorate our FIRST HOME for the FIRST TIME. Next week, I return to work full time, as well as begin my final exam schedule (I am also a university student), as well as take care of holiday baking, shopping, etc. My husband called her to decline, saying that we've been really busy and that none of the days she suggested would work. Then, she lays the guilt trip on my husband "Oh, so I guess we'll MAYBE get to see you at Christmas?" ... my husband, a notorious mama's boy, is now feeling guilty, and me, because I hurt when my husband hurts, and frustrated and feeling trapped.
We don't see his parents a lot, but in retrospect, nor do we see my parents a lot (if they come to town, I usually see them on my own) His parents live in town, but I don't think that's an excuse to have to spend extra time with them. I'm a private person, as is my husband. They make us feel guilty for not coming over, when we honestly receive an invite maybe once a month or so. Before we were married and the huge blow up occured, we spent quite a bit of time together. Because my husband travelled, he felt obligated to spend one of the two days he had home during a week with his parents and the other often working on his masters degree, which meant for me to be with my man, I'd end up spending every sunday with these people. Now, we have our own, settled (settling!) life, where to me, my family and my focal priority is my husband.
How do I set boundaries? Is it our fault we cannot make it when she invites us? Am I being unreasonable? I want both my husband and myself to have a healthy relationship with his parents (my parents and myself and husband get along wonderfully!), but I find it hard when each invite to spend time has a giant guilt trip attached. How can we tell them to stop guilting us and let us be without using the ever-so-desirable curse words I've been longing to scream at them ever since they made me feel like a scandalous tart for living with their son premaritally!

AAARRRGH!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 3:49pm

zoot123,

I feel your pain, and no, you are not being unreasonable...my husband's parents live about 10 minutes away and my ILs would be perfectly happy to spend every day with us. As the weekend approaches, I can be assured of at least one, if not more, invitations to dinner, breakfast after church etc. I am a textbook introvert, and just have a very different personality than my MIL,so I dread spending quite so much time with them.

This is a work in progress for DH and I. I am very lucky in that my ILs have never been anything but nice....My issues with them stem from the fact that they like to be overinvolved in our lives, don't really respect boundaries and just don't view our independence from them as something important.

I try to handle the invites as they come. DH and I initially agreed that neither of us would accept/decline without checking with the other. Just based on who receives the invite and timing etc., this doesn't always work, so I have started to anticipate the invitations and discuss our availability with DH before the weekend arrives so that we have a gameplan that we both agree to.

If my ILs were trying to pull a guilt-trip, I would probably call them up on it (nicely) and I would do it right at the time they make a guilt-laden comment, not wait until you have had time to stew. If you approach it matter-of factly, they might back off. Even just a simple "Gosh mom, I'd hate to think that you were trying to make us feel guilty for the natural shift in priorities that comes with marriage!" might work.

Hope these ramblings are at least a little helpful. Your in-laws intentions (for good or evil) may determine whether or not any of these strategies work. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:37pm

I don't think they were mad at YOU for shacking up with their son as they were mad at HIM for shacking up with you. I bed it's because it goes against their religious beliefs and they were very upset at HIS disrespect by doing it.

Honestly, let it go. It's over and they are appologising. True it's not the appology that you want but tough, they have the right to appologise the way they appologise, KWIM? You don't have the right to make them jump through your hoops to get on with the relationship. If none of the days they're suggesting dinner truly work for you then offer alternatives. But I must say, I wonder if they *really* don't work for you, or if you're MAKING them not work for you because you're still mad?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:05pm

Thanks for all the advice.

I am also a textbook introvert, as is my husband. He has come out and said "I sometimes just wish they'd back off" but of course, can never say that, nor can he comment when his mother throws one of her patented hissy fits when something doesn't go as she planned.

But this isn't about me not being able to forgive them. Honestly, before the "tiff" that happened around the wedding, my MIL and I were really quite close: did lunch, coffee, etc. We come from similar backgrounds, ones that neither of our husbands really understand (small town, lower class) I feel quite sorry for her, as she doesn't seem to have a lot of friends and her husband is the typical 1960s dad (very removed, very role-oriented). She loves her kids, and has always been a good mother to them. But now that both her children are married and making new lives, I feel (as does my husband) that she really needs to foucs on her own marriage, and herself... take a class, have a hobby, spend "couple" time with her husband that she hasn't been able to spend. Instead, she tries to continue filling her lives with her children...

... I guess it's difficult-- both my husband and I are the youngest, and when I left home, my parents (who became parents at the age of 20) are now finally being a single couple again. I think that's how it should be. I wish his parents could find the same thing with each other, but they are too busy worrying if "we hate them." I love them, but I already have my own parents, who are, for the most part, quite separated from my new life with my husband. And I also come from a family that really confronts each other. If my mother is ever a witch, I always confront her... haha, as she always confronts me with the same thing.

Sigh. I suppose I'm just ranting. I just feel like when the biggest issue with my marriage is the relationship we have with his parents, something should be done. I don't want to lie and pretend that everything's fine. I also don't want to agree to go to see them out of guilt or fear of a fit.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: zoot123
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:39pm

Hi Zoot,


Guilt trips, hissy fits, and constant invitations are all attempts to manipulate you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:46pm

"I don't want to lie and pretend that everything's fine. I also don't want to agree to go to see them out of guilt or fear of a fit."

Then don't. Live your life to make each other happy, not to make someone else happy. Guilt may not be what you are actually experiencing here. Guilt is the appropriate reaction to wrongdoing. You aren't doing anything wrong here by exerting your independence and establishing boundaries with ANY outsider involvement in your marriage. You most certainly are attempted to be made to feel manipulated and ungracious, but that may just have to be emotions that you will have to endure until either she stops because it no longer works for her, or until you get used to it and it rolls off your back like water off a duck.

Just because she books you on a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to pack your bags and hop on board, KWIM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:44pm
Don't feel guilty! You need time to yourselves or your marriage will suffer. I wish my husband would understand this. He is perfectly content to go home three weekends in a row (we live over an hour away). It's insanity. We are expected to come home three weekends starting with christmas. You need to do what is best for both of you. Unfortunately, my husband and I are in great disagreement about going home often. It is causing a lot of stress in our marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 9:04am

framboise,

The way I see it is if the sorest spot in our only 6 month long marriage is that relationship, then we need to work on it. Other than that, our marriage has been really great (other than the typical growing pains from me not wanting to pick up his underware and him not wanting to listen to me rant about his underware! :) )

Have you tried really approaching your husband about the subject? I know sometimes it can be like talking to a wall. My husband and I talk, unfortunately, a lot about this relationship. His constant reply is "I sometimes get the feeling you just don't like my parents" and my reply is "I love you parents, but I'm allowed to not 'like' them sometimes when they make our lives difficult for no reason." He feels caught in the middle, which I'm sure every husband would. But that's because they're the "source spot"... when you're angry about something your IL's said, you go to him. When they're angry about something we do, they go to him. I can see how it would be tough. The other night I said to my husband, tears in my eyes, "for once I want you to feel like you pick me" as opposed to being against me or feeling like he thinks our relationship is slightly off kilter because it's something I'm doing, and not just everyone involved. No one in this situation seems to get that me not wanting to sit in my IL's living room and watch TV once a week... it's that sitting there once a week would mean that this is one less day for me and my husband, who are already living different lives (he works full time, I work scattered shifts in days, afternoons, evenings, as well as taking class), to sit and enjoy each other.

framboise... could you approach your husband not as "I don't want to go this weekend because I think it's rediculous that we go every weekend"... but say something like "I was thinking about planning something for us (are there children in your relationship?)" ... a special dinner, a "date", or if there's kids... maybe a special trip to a mall, a movie, pizza, whatever.... get really excited about whatever you plan, making sure that it's something he'd enjoy too. If it's something you can get away with, and something that the both of you really enjoy, maybe he'll feel like there's a "second option." Haha, is he the type to respond to physical/sexual suggestions? Maybe a special weekend with "adult fun" could make him not want to spend the time with his parents. Or, if he won't respond, could you say that you have plans with a girlfriend... a girls weekend, shopping, whatever. Or, could you go straight to the source. Call your mother in law, "befriend" her, if she's "befriendable". Say "You know, mum, I was thinking about planning something special for the two of us this weekend... to celebrate (make up an anniversary if you have to, or something!!).. and I was wondering if your feelings would be hurt if we declined your invitation to visit."

Whew... okay... now I think I'm just ranting. At the very least, you deserve some time alone with your sweetie. We all do. My biggest example of a couple who "still has it" is luckily my parents... after 30 years of marriage and supporting kids, they're finally a couple again... which means that even we three kids don't see them as much as we used to, because they say "you know, we actually have our own plans. i hope you're not hurt"

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 11:25am

Hi there,

I hear your pain! Although for me, our problem isn't my ILs, who are great, but my own parents! My mom just cannot deal with the fact that I'm married and have my own life and yes, actuallly spend lots of time with my husband (amazing!) even after 5 1/2 years of marriage. She also tries to guilt-trip me when we can't get together with them.

When I first got married, her guilt-trips worked. I felt badly and would try to find ways to please her and my dad's need to spend more time with me. After the first few years I realized what was happening and after that, rather than feel guilty, I would become angry whenever she tried to lay a guilt trip on me. Just last weekend, when I told her that I was going with a neighbor to set up my baby registry (we are 6 moths pregnant with our first and my neighbor just had a baby), she told me, "Well, MAYBE someday, you'll want to do something with me, Barb." Very similar to what your MIL said to your DH about x-mas! Predictably I got furious and we had a huge blow-out.

After a week of going over this event mentally I am realizing a few things. One, I can't control her need to spend more time with me, only she can do that. I can't make her have her own life and guilt-trip me less. Two, all I can do is confront her when she does it (i.e. "mom, you're trying to guilt-trip me again, and I don't approve of that") in a calm way, NOT get angry, and let her know that I'm ok with not meeting her expectations, but that hubby and I are free in two weeks. If she gets angry that's her choice, but I won't let her anger control me. Really, I think that's all you can do too with your MIL. Certainly, setting a monthly visit with them will also help, but don't expect it to solve the problem if it's not enough for her (believe me I know!).

I hope my own parent issue helped you with your IL issue! good luck and I hope you can sort it out!

My messy baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
In reply to: zoot123
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 3:54am

Zoot123
Maybe your in-laws are genuinely trying to make amends. However, I see your point in being guilt-tripped by not accepting the repeated invitations. If, at any point, you are able to go for the meal, do so, if only to show that when you decline and invitation it is truly nothing personal. Otherwise, live your lives as you need to. I know it's really horrible feeling this weight of guilt but really if you're in-laws cannot accept reality for what it is, that's their problem, not yours. Of course, you cannot stop what your husband does but you can certainly tell him how it affects you and your marriage. Hopefully, he'll understand. It really is hard to confront a guilt tripping parent. You feel so very obliged to them and responsible for their happiness. Rationally, it's crazy but these feelings are so strong. What helped me gain a lot of perspective (and I have to keep referring to it when I find myself slipping) is the book 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You' by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier. Even though it's helped me understand a bit more, I still find the confrontation part daunting and have yet to take that huge step.

mom_barb2007
I have precisely the same trouble with my mother! I have a sound moral compass and I don't need my mother's help in eliciting guilt. My mother's been making comments for years which caused that uncomfortable feeling of guilt. Then I realised when she tried to guilt trip me, I hadn't actually done anything wrong. I'd simply not met her ideal/vision/expectation of how she felt something should be. It was, in fact, her who was not accepting of reality. What Mum fails to realise - and she hasn't learnt this yet in her 56 years - is that reality is VERY different from expectations and if you continue to live your life by expectations then you are ALWAYS going to be disappointed. It's no wonder she's bitter about many things.

Of course, I'm all for compromise but what I won't do is totally give up my life for her, you know, like nuns and monks do when they join the order. But the comments persist, usually in the form of negative comparisions, i.e., she'll not only tell me about something someone else is doing , she will exaggerate the point as well. I used to vaguely respond to it, something like, "Oh, right," but I never did what she wanted, unless it was a fair issue and something we could compromise on (and even then she wasn't happy because it wasn't exactly how she wanted it). However, this hasn't stopped her using this tactic. You'd have thought by now after all these years, she'd have realised it's not working but there must be some pay off for her to continue doing it. In recent years, I've found that I no longer feel guilt. GREAT! But no. Just like yourself, in its place is anger. I'm totally pi55ed off with her. Last time she tried, I said this, "That's nice of X and X to do that. I'm sorry I'm not able to do the same." Even though it felt good saying it at the time, I still feel very angry. Angry at her for trying it on and angry at myself for not confronting her on it.

I just want her to quit with the comments but I'm really afraid to confront her as I'm scared of her. She will probably start yelling at me like she did when I was a kid and that's enough to scare me. Ugh, mothers!

*sigh* Will it ever end?



“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.” aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
In reply to: zoot123
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 3:13pm
I have been married 16 years and my husband and his mom had a blowup fight about guilt tripping. I hate confrontations, and really hate the unsettledness of my life when there is turmoil. But hubby is so right. He was wrong in yelling at her the way he did, but that came out of frustration in the continued guilt tripping he got from her and not listening to what he was trying to say. We feel as if we have to walk on pins and needles all the time, yet she still wants to spend time with us, and when we do it is not enough or not quality enough. WHY TRY??? Everytime a fight comes up, mil brings up all the times we did wrong to her. In other words she never forgives or forgets. Trying to get Hubby to call and resolve this, but he is tired of it. Don't blame him as MIL never says sorry and will chalk this up as another grievance. We don't have any trouble with the other family members, and parents. Thank goodness

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