SIL and MIL from Haties!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
SIL and MIL from Haties!
8
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:00am
OK- I need help- I have been married for 3 years and together with my husband for 11 years. We have a 4 month old and things are getting worse with my husbands family. My in-laws have never really liked me, I guess, but they can't really give a reason why. Anyway- Thanksgiving was the first holiday for our son with all of my family and my husbands family together at one time. It went OK, but it was busy. But I have learned one thing in my short time of being a mom. My young son really needs his naps, so on Thanksgiving when my son was tired, I went back and put him in his crib to nap- and he did. Normal right? Well today my husband got an email from my SIL saying that she was very disappointed that she only got to see my son for an hour (total exxag) because he was napping all day (total lie). Then she goes on to say you have to live with your wife, but I can not stand her and she is a *****.
My husband emailed her back and didn't really think it through and just did alot of name calling- which is not fixing the situation. The problem I have is that my SIL lives with my in-laws and they all feed off each other. I am pretty sure that I was discussed in a not pleasant tone on their two hour trip home. We are supposed to go there for some of Chrsitmas and how do I walk into a room where I know I am dispised? How should I act? Also I am scared to let my child be alone with them without me in fear of what they might tell him (future) or do to go against my wishes as I am solely breastfeeding etc.(now).
Help- My husband is open to fixing this, but I do not know how to.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 6:54am

You and your husband cannot "fix" this.

They don't have to like you. However, in my opinion, they have to respect you as DH's wife and DS's mom. Calling you filthy names is not the way to show that respect. Personally, I would NOT darken their doorstep for Christmas. They don't deserve it. If you go, they will know it is okay to treat you badly and still have access to the baby. Don't let your child be alone with them. There is no law saying you have to allow these turds free reign to YOUR child. I don't give a crap if he is DH's too. His family has treated you badly and make it obvious that they don't like you. That is unacceptable.

Avatar for kholt_vi
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 8:37am
My in laws hated me for the whole time I was married to their son (and beyond) and what I did (maybe it will work for you) is simply ignore the fact that they hated me. I still asked if they needed anything. I still sought advice from them, I would walk into every family function like we lived "its a wonderful life" and smile and give hugs and say sweet things. That way as my children grew they saw that I didnt stoop to that level and give into the meanness much less add to it. To this day when my in laws talk bad about me and my chiuldren hear of it they roll their eyes and when will grandma and or aunt sue grow up. Why do they bother saying these things about you when they know that its not true and we wont believe them. Mom it doesnt make us see you bad it makes them look bad for saying it. (God I love my kids). But that was exactly what I hoped they would learn. If your in laws would have seen your son without a nap and he acted out and was misbehaving due to being tired they would have sent an email about your mothering skills for your son to behave like that or that you didnt give the child the nap he so obviously needed and how bad you were for that. Trust me I tried all options.Mine said I was a mean mom for not letting them have bubble baths but my daughter got an infection that was painful and usually became a UTI if she had a bubble bath (which she got every time she went to grandmas) So I tell you there is no win to this. Just be the better person and hold your head high. Your mother in law raised what I assume to be an intelligent man and his wisdom chose you for a partner so her and you SIL will just have to respect his decision. Any bad behavior on their parts reflects upon them. Any retaliation on your part reflects upon you.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:07am

So, in other words, suck it up and take it and smile? I disagree. You cannot let people walk on you like that.

I am not saying she should be nasty and scream at them. Nor should the DH. But, they acted like spoiled children and should be treated as such, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:38am

What else do people think 4 month old babies do??? Good grief! I can't understand why grandparents think that we give birth to children for their entertainment.
You did exactly what you needed to do as a mother -- protect your child's routine as much as possible during a holiday and meet his needs. If MIL and Auntie can't understand that then I wouldn't worry about what they have to say. They are obviously very selfish people.

I would not leave my son alone with them if you are uncomfortable with them. My son is in college now, but we had to stop leaving him alone with my MIL because of her disrespect for me. We thought she had changed and foolishly let her keep our daughter occasionally when she came along 12 years later, but our son overheard her trashing me to my daughter and he told us about it. You and your husband must be in agreement, but I would not deny contact with them, just make sure you are there to supervise and parent your own child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:47pm

Personally if my IL's made those kind of statesments about me, I nor the baby would be going to christmas and nor would we be excepting gifts from them. Now either your dh calls them on their behavoire or none of the 3 of you would show up.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:34pm
It would be a cold day in Hades before I would ever go to their house ever again. They think that their need to see your ds overrules his need for a nap. Well they are wrong. He needs his nap way more then he needs to see family members. You are the mother here and you decide if he needs a nap. Not them. After alll you will be the one dealing with a cranky and tired baby not them. If you should continue to go over there, do not allow them to keep him overnight. Don't even leave him for a few hours. If they don't like it tough. He is your son, not theirs. They need to back way the heck off.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 8:58pm
YEAH DH for coming to your defense, even if it was a little emotionally charged. Don't honor them with your son's presence by going to Christmas unless you receive an apology from them. That was disrespectful to you and your family. He is half of you after all. And now you know from everyone else's experience what will happen if you leave them alone with him...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:58pm

Hi Cmgmom2006, welcome to the board!

Your son needs his naps and if everyone didn't get to see your son as much as they wanted on Thanksgiving, they could always call and say that they want to come and visit your house at another time instead of making a stink about it.

As for seeing them Christmas, I'm not sure I would want to be around people who act like that and talk about me behind my back like that. If it comes to be that you do go and see them at Christmas, I would suggest that you be polite to them and only talk to them if they talk to you.

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