Am I wrong?

Avatar for kholt_vi
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Am I wrong?
10
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 8:23am
My MIL has never liked me. She has pretended sometimes but it was obvious it was just for show. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child (I have 4) she told me that if ever I was to leave her son it would be my fault and she would make sure that I didnt keep the children. I tossed the comment off because I was still in wedded bliss and had no intention of letting my marriage end. 5 yrs later my husband had become violent and was drinking alot and traveling for work more than he was home. I told him to move out and gave him 3 months to make arraingements. 4 mos later I had to ask him to leave and he in turn got violent and the police were called. He called her to come get him. When she arrived she threatened me and denied my children and all sorts of crazy behavior I was floored. (though I shouldnt have been because I knew she didnt like me) She started calling child services every week over and over trying to get my children removed from my home. Every week there were new charges that went unfounded until finally I said forget this she will never stop. She was sitting at the end of my road watching my house and having people lie to my sitters to get inside while I was at work. I moved out of state and went back to my parents. When I got on my feet in my own place I turned the other cheek and said my kids need to be loved by all their family not just my side so I started opening whichever doors I could to let them all be a part of the childrens lives. Trading holidays and so forth. Every time she or her daughter came to my house to see the kids they were openly rude to me or flat out ignored me. I could speak to them and it would be like noone even heard me talk. They started telling the children bad things that made no sense. For instance I was responsible for one of them having a heart attack because I had too many rules. I only have basic rules. the only thing I ever gave a problem with was when they went to my MIL's house for a week and I was told there would be a 16 yr old girl baby sitting them and then it turned out that there was a 17 yr old boy watching them alone. I have 3 girls and a boy and I am not exited about a strange boy watching them but all I did was call every couple hrs and check on them. They were told I wasnt allowed to call anymore and to take the phone off the hook. Yes they have had visits since then. Lots of them. Then when I moved to a new address 6 mos ago I decided I wasnt giving out my new address to the family members. They have a phone number for me and I have gladly met them places with the kids to exchange them and give them ample visits still trying to allow the kids plenty of family. My oldest writes pen pal with her uncle and he got the address with the strict instructions that if anyone else got it we would move again and nobody would get it. So since he wont tell them and i wont tell them all of a sudden the kids arent getting calls for their birthdays. They didnt get a call for Thanksgiving which they usually do. I heard that they are unlikely to get a Christmas present. All of this because I wont give them my address. They have been disrespectful to me and have made my life hell. Is there any reason I should have to give them my address if I am willing to go to them? They have my parents address and any mail they send the kids will get forwarded immediatly. I have made sure they still have access. Isnt that all I should have to do? At this time I just dont know what to do because my children are heartbroken that their family is ignoring them and I feel backed into a corner but yet I dont want to teach the kids to give in to bullying which is what this feels like. All advice welcome and hopefully soon. In a couple of months I am supposed to drive them a couple hrs south to be in a wedding for the family but at this point I dont even know if I should.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:13am

Can I ask why you didn't give your in-laws your new address if they had your old one? Maybe I missed something...are they still harrassing you at your home? If you made the decision based on past wrongs and not new concerns, I can see how they would take it as a provocation. Regardless, you don't want them to have the address, they don't have a right to it, so don't give in to them! They seem like people that given an inch they want a mile. Don't go down that road.

I think you went above and beyond letting your in-laws have contact with your kids at all. I think this situation shows that your in-laws hate you more than they love your kids. They are using your kids emotions as tools to get you to knuckle under to their demands. All they should really care about it is getting to spend time with your kids yet they will give that up just to get a concession from you.

I read your response to another poster about how to deal with in-laws that hate you. You are doing a great job of raising your kids and handled the in-laws very well so far. I think as far as the wedding you should continue your policy. Deal directly with the bride and groom however since they are the ones that have a direct interest in your kids attendance at the wedding. Hopefully, they are part of the wacky faction of your ex's family?

Good luck to you in however you decide to handle this. :)




Edited 11/29/2006 9:14 am ET by revolutions
http://www.paganedge.com/
Avatar for kholt_vi
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:36am
The last time they were at my old house was Christmas last year. They were openly rude to me and then left without me knowing the left and the kids were outside under their supervision roller blading. I went out when I was done cleaning up and found the kids outside alone. We moved a couple months later and I didnt give them the address. They didnt have that one until my daughter had an accident that left her with a broken leg and they wanted to mail get well cards to her. I gave them the address then. They visited a few times after but it was always rude and disrespectful. I was always hurt that they would come to my home and treat me so wrongly in my home. For the wedding those paticular people are ok with us. But It was threatened that if the kids came then the mother of the groom (my SIL) would not attend. She was calmed down to if I came she would not so I have to drive the kids then go kill a couple hours then drive them home. But I feel that if they cant be called for their birthdays why should I go out of my way to rent a tux for my son (my expense) just to make their wedding right when they didnt even call. I dont even care about a card or a present but how hard is it to call?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:38am
You need to do what you feel is right for your family and children. DO not let anyone guilt you into something that you do not feel comfortable with. In my opinion you have gone out of your way to please these people with nothing in return. Explain to your children in a way that they do not perseeve this as thier fault. Good Luck!
Avatar for kholt_vi
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:01am
so far I have told my children that I feel bad for them because they are missing out on spending time with the greatest kids in the world and that I feel lucky that I dont have to have time away from them. That if they get a relationship with their family I am fine with that but until then I am just the luckiest woman in the world because I get to spend time with them. Their father doesnt come see them really at all. He hasnt seen them since last Christmas and they have spent about 3 weks total with the other family now since then. But since he doesnt make effort I give his visits to his family. And yes he does have the address but he wont give it out either. He says they cant be trusted with it. Funniest thing. When they got the last one I had 2 more times of child services called annonamously also unfounded. So I dont think they have stopped with trying to take the kids either. I have even explained that if the kids are removed the wont go to them either. There would be a period of foster care while other relatives were investigated starting with the closest which would be my family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:19am

Thanks for clearing that up. I had a feeling there was more to the reason you didn't want them to have the address, just wanted to know if it should affect the wedding plans. :)

http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 6:21pm

I'm trying my best to follow you. You ex-sister-in-law's son is getting married and he wants your son to attend/be in the wedding party....but she was threatening to boycot her own son's wedding if your children were in attendance? Am I right so far?

Then she backed down, agreed to allow the children to come, but you are not invited...?

So, you're wondering if you should drive the children to the wedding, killing time on your own while your children are being exposed to family members who have shown unwarranted disrespect to you in the past.

Of course not. Don't allow any more contact between your children and any family member who doesn't respect you. Yes, it's the children's loss too. That sucks! I have to deal with that myself. It breaks my heart to have to tell my kids that they can't go visit grandma or their own father. It hurts me, it hurts them....but it's still a better alternative to having them exposed to toxic dysfunctional family members whose intent is to destroy my life.

If your ex-husband's family is toxic...here's a simple way to look at it. Turn your in-laws into out-laws! They're trying to take away your most valuable treasure (the peace you have with your kids). Stand up. Put your foot down. Say no. They have made themselves out-laws by their actions. Let them know it's over.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 7:29pm

I agree with the other ladies. Don't allow them to have access to your kids anymore. They have proven time and time again that they don't deserve to have a relationship with them. They are openly rude to you (in front of them I assume) and they have made it clear that they want to control you and to take your kids from you. Personally I would have filed harassment charges and gotten a RO against them, since they have made repeated calls to Child Services in order to get your kids removed and given to them. You are right they would not go to them.

I think that maybe if you don't already have some sort of temporary custody agreement with your family that in the event you are seriously injured or in the hospital, the kids go to them until you are better. That way you ex-ILs can't get your kids, because if they do you will never get them back without a huge fight. I know that you want your kids to have a relationship with their father's side but what is more important. Their mental and physical well-being, or a relationship with people who hate their Mother and if they haven't already done do, start poisoning their minds against you?

My mil is just as bad. When I found out that she had bad-mouthed me to my oldest, I cut her off from my boys. They don't need someone like that in their lives. She is an evil, toxic, psycho. I also would not take them to the wedding unless you are allowed to attend. Who knows what will happen if they are left alone with those crazy people. Bottom line, no you, no kids. They can go suck rocks if they don't like it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: kholt_vi
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 8:02pm
You are exactly on target. It is horribly confusing to child to have other adults in their lives trash their parent/parents. It may be hard right now to deny your children access to your ex's family, but in the long run, it is in their best interest. You would never allow your children to play with snakes -- these people are just as dangerous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: kholt_vi
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:26pm

Hi Kholt_vi, welcome to the board!

I agree with everyone else who said that your kids should not have any contact with that part of the family. If they can't respect you, they don't deserve to see your kids.

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Avatar for kholt_vi
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
In reply to: kholt_vi
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:11am
I wholeheartedly agreed with everyone (I think I just needed to hear others say it) and over the weekend my 2 child who is very close with her grandmother realized that I was making plans that didnt go around the wedding but instead of so she snuck with my house phone and called her grandmother. (usually they are only allowed to call from my cell that is registered to my parents address). I have checked and am pretty sure that through the pay sites (but not the free ones) that she will be able to get the address now from the phone number. Through the phone company I keep it unlisted but those pay sites can get it I think. I dont know if she will pay for it or not but I am guessing that the war is about to start back up. Too much to deal with with the holidays and my youngest going into surgery this week. So I am just hoping that it goes well. And yes I have paperwork saying that in the event of a crisis the children are specifically to go to my best friend (their godmather) and neither parent. At my friends house they cant be harrassed because noone knows where they are. But I dont want my parents harrassed so it states that the children are not to go to either grandparents.