Future Mother In-Law Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Future Mother In-Law Issues
6
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 2:57pm
Hey Ladies---this is just an update---I have't posted in a while, but i got engage officially last month, about 5 weeks ago--i was happy and excited, and i really did not see it coming---i had referred to my fiance as "my fiance" a long time before we were actually engaged, but this was mostly because i wanted be people to know how serious it was and that we planned on getting married eventuall---the problem is, we are still living at home with his parents---me because i am in school, and him because he is a mama's boy (they think it is ok to live at home until you are married, which i think does not allow for maturing and independence, but who am i to give my opinion). I am trying to get my fiance to move out with me, even if it is just an apartment and he will have none of it---i think he is afraid to leave his home and i mean hes 23 years old, and i think he is overly attached to his parents---there are no boundaries, no privacy, his mother is a total spoiled B!tch, she is manipulating and controlling, and has stupid demands. The thing is, i am afraid that my fiance will never be his own person or have the courage to stand up to his mother and that it will ruin my life. I don't know how to express this enough to him. I have told him flat out that i know so many mother in laws who have ruined marriages, (mostly husbands mothers) and how she is so controlling i cannot stand it--she guilts him into everything and i mean everything, and it has to be right then and there---she says jump, he says how high---the thing is, i really love my fiance, but i am starting to wonder, does love conquer all, or am i just setting myself up for sadness. I think that i am, because everytime we talk, he seems to be listening, but nothing changes. In order to not say no to his mom and in order to avoid hurting her feelings, he ends up hurting mine, and i feel like i am number 2 in the relationship. I am not even saying he can't talk to his parents, just don't tell them every darn thing that is going on with us---i mean our sex life and personal business is only for us, or so i would like to think. When we have an argument, she always gets in on it and has to know what is going on and always takes his side even when he is wrong or has hurt me. She gets mad at me for fighting with her little boy and i notice she is only happy with me when he is happy---when he is angry or mad at something, she has to know what is going on and if i caused it. His mother cannot take no for an answer and she is so spoiled and i just want to smack her and let her know that she needs to back off and let her son grow up, even if he is an only child and a mama's boy, but i just dont' know anymore. How do i put it to my fiance that we need to move out, and SOON! I dont want him to choose between me and his parents, but i think since we are engaged it is time to move on, and not have to be 23 years old and still answer to his mother! Ladies, please tell me if you have had any experiences with this, how i should handle this, and if there is any hope, because lately i have been feeling like i don't want any part of this family anymore. And they call my family dysfunctional, but they are just as dysfunctional if not more, because what mother in her right mind wants to know about her son's sex life and what son in his right mind walks around naked in front of his mother and tells her about his sex life with his fiancee? Please help!
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:49pm

Goddess,


If you want to find out how serious your fiance is about getting his own life

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 4:28pm
I remember your previous posts and I do not understand why you let yourself get deeper and deeper in with this relationship while the obvious problem with your fiancee and his mother have not improved. As long as you do not make a stand and follow through with seperating yourself from this mess, the more you are hurting yourself and your hopes of a good future family-life. I agree 100% with the pp. You should most definitely move out and let your fiancee know that he is welcome to come with you if he truly wants to start creating a seperate life for you and him minus his mother's daily intrusions. That is up to you. And I have learned from experience that a future spouse does not change when they get married. If you have problems now and they are this serious, they will only multiply and turn into the reasons your family implodes later. The emotional, financial, and life-changing upheaval that you will go through with a divorce later (triple all of that if kids are involved) will surely not be worth the love you think you are getting out of the relationship now. Believe me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 1:21pm
I was in a situation almost the same. I was with my boyfriend we were also talking about getting married in February coming, but at this time his mother had already told him not to take me to her home no more. We had decided not to tell her because we knew she was not going to like the idea. Anyway I think he told her just because he is a mommies boy and cannot keep anything from her. Anyway ever since he changed completely with me, he said that she said it was not a good idea that he is not stable in his life rightnow, so to think about what he was doing. I told him that I work and he works, he is in the Army that we would make it work together, but that was not enough for him because his mom told him not to. Well now we are not together because his mom told him to take space away from me and fix his life before anything else. So he asked me for space which I think is very lame because he said he loved me but just because he does not want to hurt his mother he hurts me. It is very sad and I am hurting right about know, but my point is that it is his mother, u will be competing with her all the time and from now u are seeing what your life will be like. Think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 5:11pm

I agree with wisdomtooth2020. You are getting a sneak preview of what your life will be like (hell) if you marry him without him cutting the apron strings from his mom.
If you hadn't said he was an only child, I would have thought you were posting about one of my husband's brothers. My dh's mom is a maniac. She is manipulative, mean, nosey and just a plain rotten B*#@T! I had some of the same misgivings about marrying my dh that you are having now. Like a fool, I married him anyway. Big mistake.

The only way things improve is if your fiancee stands up to his mom and tells her that he's a grown man and to butt out! Then he has to stand behind what he's said by being independent (i.e. moving out, not telling mommmy your personal business, not running home any time things go wrong, and most of all standing up for *you* when she bares her fangs.) If he can't do that, trust me, move on.
Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:19pm

I hate to say it, but if your fiance doesn't change soon, he isn't going to change. If he doesn't change and you marry him, you will always be #2 in his life and his mother will still be in your life. Have you watched Everyone Loves Raymond? If you have, you know Raymond's mother is constantly in his and his wife's life, constantly over their house and telling him what to do etc. Is that what you want?

Just because you marry him does not mean he will make you #1 in his life. That's the way it SHOULD be, but that doesn't mean that is the way it will be. If you are having problems with his mother now, they will be 10 times worse if you marry him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 8:39pm

OMG FLASHBACK!!! SEE SCREEN NAME! I lived through the same thing (Why didn't I leave when I found out she picked out and co-signed for my engagement ring? Or two months later when she set him up on a 'date' that she conveniently disguised as giving him money to take a girl his age from out of town to an amusement park when he has a sister only a year younger who would've been a WAY more appropriate companion!). Everyone is right--you need to move out, and if there's any way you can get him to do it, you might want to consider living together to get a sneak preview of what life is like. You should know within the first month when she's calling every day 2 or 3 times a day and you're in the middle of quality time together and he leaves the room to talk about whatever with her, or when she tries to decorate your house. Holidays will be HELL because he's an only child (they will expect him there at every one!) and you'll end up splitting up for the day.

I am the luckiest girl in the world b/c my BF's mom lives 4 states away and he knows she's crazy (she's still on his checking account though, from when he was over in Iraq and she had to have access in case he needed to pay bills--why couldn't she have just spotted him and he could've written her a check when he came home???)

You should really think about incorporating that Bible verse into the wedding ceremony about how a man leaves his parents to become one with his wife. Good luck to you!