He left me just now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
He left me just now.....
97
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm

I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.

Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.

They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.

We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.

I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.

No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.

Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 12:38am

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. (Hugs). I have also been on the receiving end of vicious attacks and flat-out lies from my husband's family. I stopped trying to figure out their reasons years ago.

I know you're hurting right now, but truthfully, if he is going to believe their lies and just up and leave you like that, you are probably better off without him. There are some men that believe their parents and siblings can do no wrong and it sounds like you are dealing with one of those kind of men. It also sounds like he's got some serious baggage and trust issues from the past with his former girlfriends and wives that cheated on him. If he is going to believe their lies and not even give you a chance, what really do you guys have? Do you really want to spend your life with a man who will not trust you and the minute his family decides to stir the pot, he leaves you? You deserve better than that.

I've had some hard times in my life and one of the most valuable lessons that I've learned is that when someone walks away from you, let them walk.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 7:08am

You have your kids.

Screw him. I mean, he is that much of a wimp that he cannot take your word over those of his family, then you are better off.

However, if he is on the mortgage, he cannot just leave you with it. He has to honor his legal obligations. Make sure to protect yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 11:43am

{{{{hugs}}}} I'm so sorry this happened.

If a man is emotionally enmeshed with his family of origin, then yes, it can be that simple. If he has never separated from them, emotionally, then he's never learned to see and think for himself. So very sad that this man did this to you and especially your children. Please reassure them that NOTHING they did contributed to this and that there was nothing they could have done differently to "make" him stay.

You might present it to them as a kind of mental illness, which in a way it is.

I absolutely agree with mom2danjam that you need to suck it up and protect yourself legally. DO NOT let your broken heart set you up for a financial screw over!

Remember, he has his enmeshed family filling his head with ideas, and none of them will be in your favor. Call an attorney if you have *any* legal ties with this man, not to "take him to the cleaners" or to punish him, but to protect your children (and yourself) from potential harm.

And if he hasn't already drained any joint accounts, get your money out of them as fast as you can and into an account in just your name. Be fair, but don't be nice. He won't be, so you have to watch out for yourself.

Again, {{{{hugs}}}} I'm sorry he chose to listen to their lies over what he had seen and lived for 16 months.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 12:07pm

He already drained our account. He told me last night he decided to leave two weeks ago, so planned accordingly. The house is in both our names. His credit was so bad from his other relationships we just barely were able to get this house, even though my credit is perfect. I bought a car for him in my name, all the utilities and obligations are in my name. I never batted an eye. We were working on improving his credit so that we could refinance in a couple years.

I've been sucker-punched. Hard. He says he planned the surprise attack because he didn't want me to go crazy, trash his stuff, get a restraining order, prevent him from coming home so he could move out. His family really has him believing I'm just like the other women who ruined his life. I've never done anything but try to make him happy. And he said I've made him happier than anyone else ever has.

I have gathered up all my bills, credit card info, printed my credit report and called a bankruptcy attorney this morning. I think I have to move back to Indy and live in the small two bedroom rental property I own. The lady at the bankruptcy office said I should be able to keep my minivan.

I'm not mean, malicisious, vindictive or cruel. I want him to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. I tried. I tried so hard, but I guess they tried harder. He's gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 1:08pm

I'm sorry your going through this. What an idiot. Someday he's gonna wake up alone and realize what he did and how he let his family run his life. But by then it'll be too late. I suspect you didn't get the whole story about those other women and that his family had a lot to do with the demise of those relationships too.

I know you've already talked to a bankruptcy attorney, but I think you should consult another one to see what you can do to transfer some of those bills to his name to save your credit. And be sure to get the car back.

Good luck to you. Keep us updated. I'll be praying for you and the kids. Someday, you'll find a real man.

((((((Hugs)))))))
Terri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 3:16pm

Yes, definitely find a good divorce attorney. You didn't get a technical divorce, but it's the same thing, with division of assets and liabilities.

He does need to give you that car back especially with it being in your name.

Since there was no marriage, I don't think you can be held liable for *his* debts. Especially the earlier ones.

Don't be nice to this man, he has already shown you what he is willing to do to you and your kids. Yes, be fair, but his "happiness" is NOT your problem! But the well being of your children most certainly is. Please, please do this for them.

And if you can, go to a counselor to help you work through his betrayal and lies.

We wish you and your children the very best, and hope you can get past his abusive treatment of you and find a healthy man who is ready for a *real* relationship.

{{{{hugs}}}}

ilve2read

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 3:18pm

I agree. Get all of his bills out of your name, and completely in his. Get your car back, (call a repo company if you have to)and be prepared for this to get ugly. He is already playing hardball. He took your money. Not just his, yours too. I would tell him that I want my money now, or you will call the police and file charges. I hate to say this, but you're gonna have to fight dirty. Get a really good divorce attorney. One who is a shark and will make sure that your rights are protected. He has shown that he doesn't care about you and probably won't care if he ruins your credit and leaves you with little to nothing. Especially if his family is running the show.

I am sorry you are going through this. Do you ever think that maybe he was or is cheating on you? Considering how much he has insisted you have. You both leave the marriage the way you came into it and any bills that are his need to stay with him. Same with you. Anything that was bought solely in your name is yours. He doesn't deserve the car, plus he might quit paying on it just to screw you. Trust me, I watched my best friend going through this with her ex. He did everything he could to screw her financially, and screw up her credit.

Make sure that you have it in your divorce that any credit cards, or loans that he gets in both your names dating two weeks ago through the next say 5 years, were put in your name without your knowledge or consent and you will not be legally held responsible for them. Her ex did that too. He purposely got a credit card, and put her on it without her knowledge or consent after she kicked him out. Do everything you can to protect yourself, and any assests you have that were yours before getting married.

ETA: Sorry I thought that you were married. Food for thought, do you think that maybe those other gfs wives whatever never cheated on him either, and that his parents made it up, same as they did about you? Personally I would tell him that the reasons all of his other relationships failed is because of his parents. They are the ones that ruin each one by filling his head with lies. They want to keep him permanately joined at the hip to them instead of being a man. I hope that he gets what he deserves. A lifetime of loneliness.

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Edited 12/2/2006 3:23 pm ET by cl-mugalug

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 5:25pm

Thank you all for your help and good advice.

The worst part about the other women is that his family loved them. He got married at 19 right after joining the army, he was shipped off to Central America and the little wife got a house on base and benefits while cheating on him the whole time until he came home. He moved out. He went back home. She took everything he had.

Second wife took out every credit card available in his name and he never knew about them til after the divorce. She maxed out everything. She told him he was the worst lover in the world. She cheated. He agreed to split everything down the middle, like his divorce attorney said. He's still paying for all the mess she created. She got a restaining order. Threw out or trashed everything he had and took anything she wanted. She told him to leave. He left. He still has this trophy Blockbuster Video of some horrible B-movie that she had rented and he found in the mess of everything. He kept it saying it's all he got out of the relationship. His family liked her.

Then he had a girlfriend who told him she was pregnant. The family loved her. He was gonna be a daddy! He broke his lease to get an apartment with her, but she never moved in, she stayed with her family who made his life miserable. He paid cash for all the baby stuff, doctor's appointments, was allowed two minutes to see the baby after she was born and then told to go away. They didn't want him involved in the baby's life. And since she was still married to someone else, he had no rights to pursue visitation. Now he doubts it was even his and they got so much out of him. He was sued for breach of contract on the apartment lease and they garnished his wages.

I have never dreamed of hurting him. It broke my heart that these women used him and he took it. He had such a sweet and generous personality. He told me in the beginning that if anything ever happened to "us" and we broke up, it would be because of me, my desicion. He said that.

If he realizes the mistake he's made by leaving me, I know it could never be like it was. I'm not lacking is self-esteem enough to beg him to come back so he can hurt us again.

Thank you again for all your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 7:19pm

Sadly, yes, after all of that time, it sounds over. I lived with my first husband for 9 years, we married for one. After all of that, it came to nothing. I know its horribly sad, but honestly, better that the split come know rather than after years of suffering his baggage.

It comes down to this. "Darling, if their influences have that much control over your decisions, your life, I don't see how this can work whether you believe me or not."

One of two things will come from that. Either it will be a wake-up call for him and he'll seek counseling or he'll turn on his heels and keep walking. Regardless of how you feel for him, consider the ramifications down the road. I think any reconciliation would have to require the stipulation of counseling though, whatever happens. An ambush on you has no love in it what-so-ever. Please try and keep that in mind. Only malice.

I really think its important that your attorney follow up on retrieving your assets. He shouldn't have the right to anymore of your good nature.

Very Good Luck to you. I'm so sorry.




Edited 12/2/2006 7:24 pm ET by patience_is_a_virtue
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 2:50pm

My children and I spent this beautiful Sunday returning Christmas presents. We took back what came from Walmart and I got a store card and used part of it for groceries. We took back the computer games to Best Buy and got cash cause I could find that receipt. I've told them we will still have presents, but for right now, we need to buy milk and catfood and other things we need. I told them we might have to have our Christmas in February, after we move back to Indy and I've been working.

I'm going with the premise that I will not get a dime out of him. I'm not going to ask him for money, I'm not going to demand anything from him. I think if he told me no, I would lose my mind.

To all you nice ladies in relationships with men who value their own mothers/brothers/dads/sisters opinions more than yours.... be careful. If he tells you that they don't like you for reasons that even he can't explain, but that it's up to you to make it right.... watch out. We had the perfect family. I made him happy, took care of all his needs, gave him my heart and soul.

You have to know it could happen to you. You know who you are. I suspected nothing. You might be nervous, worried that your relationship/marriage might not make it. You're so far ahead of where I was. This feels like a death in a horrible car accident. No warning, no clue that the one you love would be taken from you in an instant.

I pray that you all can work through your problems with your in-laws, but if and when he chooses to believe the lies that his family has told, there's nothing you can do. He's made his choice. No matter how bad your broken heart aches. He's gone.

The Love of my life walked out the door.

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