HELP! MIL has moved in

Avatar for momofgjc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
HELP! MIL has moved in
4
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 2:04am

She moved in with us the first of August. (I also posted this in the caregivers forum)I have so many questions I don't even know where to start. I am feeling so sad, frustrated, angry....so many emotions right now I am not even sure how to deal with them.

My MIL moved in with DH and I the first of August (DH is 53, I am 47, MIL is 77) when her not so DD kicked her out of her house...literally kicked her out. She has lived in MA her whole life and we live in CA. She used to drive when in MA, how I have no idea, because she isn't capable of driving here! We would not trust her behind the wheel of a car, no way no how. She has heath issues...diabetic, high blood pressure, etc..I don't know what all she takes meds for, she isn't saying. I just know she has several prescriptions.
Her hands shake so much, I can not have her doing anything in the kitchen that would require using a knife, heaven only knows what would happen. I suspect some beginning Alzheimers, because she has times when she will tell me the same thing 3 or 4 times in a hour. She remembers things back to her childhood, and when she was married to her DH (who passed away about 25 yrs ago) like it was yesterday. I don't know all the signs of Alzheimers, but she also stares and snickers at people (how do you handle that?) she is so incredibly stubborn that sometimes it is like dealing with an obstinate child! She made a horrific face at DH the other day when we had her out...like she was mocking him. I was stunned and DH was shocked.

I work and I have to run her on her errands all the time. I am exhausted! I just want some down time. I do the cooking and cleaning, laundry, etc (except that she insists she has to do her bedding seperately once a week...and I mean ALL of her bedding). She literally lays on the couch all day, and gets very upset when I sit on the couch if she has gotten up to go to the bathroom or anything. She really DOES NOT like me sitting on MY couch! It is so bad, that she has gotten to the point where if I am home, she will not get off the couch to say her rosary (she is obviously Catholic), she will say it before I come home from work, or she will bring her rosary beads to the couch and shut the tv off and say them there.

She keeps putting off getting a dr out here, so I guess that is going to fall on me also. She refuses to transfer her banking account to a branch out here. She is barely contributing to the household finances and that has really hurt us. We are living paycheck to paycheck (she gives us $100 a month which doesn't begin to cover her electricity, gas...etc etc...what is a reasonable amount to ask her to contribute to the household finaces? She gets over $900 a month and the only thing she has to pay for is her AARP health insurance and a small insurance policy she has to cover her burial expenses). She doesn't pay for her phone (although she makes long distance calls all the time) or help with the groceries. She doesn't offer to put gas in the car for me running her all over. But she loves to go out and eat! If she would just put some of the money she spends on eating out towards the groceries it would be a big help. She eats as much as I do and she is this tiny little thing.

I know we have to put our foot down about the eating out thing. Just this last week she insisted we eat out 5 times!!!! Yes she pays...usually..but think of how much that would help with the grocery bill. I realize she doesn't get out except when I run her on her errands or when she has to eat out, but that is her fault also. She doesn't want to do anything!!! No activities or anything, she just wants to sit in front of the tv all day.
That was part of the final straw I think, the eating out so much this past week, that and she made a comment to me after we took her out to eat last night. Ok, I am sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded, but still..DH was horrified and apologized to me when we were alone (we are only alone anymore once we go to bed, she HAS to go everywhere with us...we can't go anywhere overnight because she is afraid to be here by herself...do you know how badly I would like just some time alone with my DH)....but back to what I was saying, we were on our way home and she said 'Hey', so we both responded, and she told DH that she was not speaking to him, she was speaking to me...so I said 'Yes?' and she told me 'You are very lucky to have him'.....ummm excuse me...yes I know I am lucky! I tell him how lucky I am all the time and he tells me also (this is the second marriage for both of us). But it was the way she said it, I just told her that yes I knew I was lucky. It was her tone....dang...made me feel like I was inadequate or something. Then today she woke up sick, and I told her maybe she should go lay down in her bed..would she? NO, instead she laid on the couch all day moaning and groaning...oh she went to her room and made her bed, and then came back to the couch! Yet when I was sick a couple weeks ago she insisted I go to bed! I just feel like my house is being taken over and I have no control over anything anymore. How do I get control of my house back? How do WE? DH and I? Even he says he feels like he is back to being a 13 yr old boy because of the way she treats him. I feel like sitting down and crying...or running away from home sometimes. I used to like coming home, loved it in fact, but not anymore, now I dread it most days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 6:32am

Wow, is your DH my long lost brother, because I swear you have my Mom on your couch. She lived with us for 11 years. I about lost my mind. And it pretty much destroyed my relationship with Mom. Last year she fell twice in 3 days and the last time she gashed her head open and needed 40 stitches. Of course no one was home at the time and she laid on the floor and bled for an hour and a half.

After that I told my Sis she had to go to an assisted living facility. We found her a nice one. She has her own room, they clean it once a week, provide 3 meals a day, help her shower and control her meds. She's on medicade, so the state takes her social security check and pays the balance. They give her about 60 bucks a month for essentials. So we do pay for a few things now and then.

But I now have my home and family back and it saved my sanity. But I still have nightmares that they get sick of her and bring her back and leave her on my doorstep. LOL.

You might check into it.

Terri

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:21am

In my uneducated but experienced opinion, I think your MIL needs a good physical and some bloodwork. It may be Alzheimer's or dementia, but it might very well be her medication. My FIL was on too much medication once and it made him really nutso, as well as physically ill.

So, your DH needs to lay it on the line for her. Basically tell her that her behavior and procrastination are unacceptable. That he is going to help her find a doc and get her in ASAP for a physical and check her meds. Then, she is to kick in a certain amount of her money every month. I think that is only fair. Also, you need to cut off the long distance on the home phone. If she has a cell phone, she either pays for it, or it gets turned off. She is also to kick in for gas to run her places. If she has money to eat out, she has money to help toward her living expenses. I am not saying to take it all, but I think that half of what she gets is more than fair.

If she won't agree to these terms, she needs to be in an assisted living facility and your DH needs to make sure that happens.

I am not heartless. I don't like the idea of putting my mother in a home. But, I also would consider my spouse and kids. Annoying things, you can overlook. But, your MIL is basically taking over your home.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 1:00pm
I think that you mil needs to go to a home. She needs care that you can't provide. They can help with her meds, and doctor visits and such. I know that she is your Dh's mom, but what is more important here? Your marriage and sanity, or mil needing to live with you. You could probably find her a nice place to live and she would still have some money left over. Maybe this is the reason that her DD kicked her out. Maybe she just couldn't take anymore of her mother. Maybe mil can help it or maybe not, but until she sees a Dr. there is no way to know for sure.

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Registered: 08-28-2005
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 7:13pm

It sounds like she has some type of dementia, maybe Alzheimer Disease. Without having a complete check-up it's hard to say. If she's gone this many months without so much as a basic health check than her prescriptions could be way off. Shaking could be a sign of many different problems. The biggest concern is that her blood sugars are not being held stable.


As for your finances, whatever your monthly bills have gone up she should pay the difference. She should be paying for anything that is just for her own use and she should be paying toward the wear and tear on your car plus mileage. Your financial situation should not deteriorate because she moved in with you. Yes, she is family but she isn't penniless and she should be paying her fair share. You've already given up privacy, personal time with your husband, personal time for yourself and have added a lot of stress onto what I am sure was a busy life--going into debt or cutting back on the "treats" that you enjoyed before she moved in isn't fair.


Lynne

Lynne