mixed messages from bro and sis-i-l

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
mixed messages from bro and sis-i-l
8
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:46am
i have written in this board before where i have brothers that i dont get along with very well. they are all older than me and are very involved with each other, but dont include me in their lives. also, their wives dont include me either and i have come to accept it and move on-not always easy. this really began after they moved out of the house and their wives took over. the wives were contacted when i was working on my wedding. i called them and asked them for ideas, but they didnt return my call. my one brother has frequently bad mouthed me in front of his friends and neighbors, which i have heard when i was at the house. i feel my brothers are miserable and work well together, but they have not been close with me since before their female counterparts took over. my husbands perception is that my brothers resent and dont like my mom and that i am very similar to her and that is why they band together and dont like me much. anyhow, last year my husband and i eloped because our family doesnt get along great and i wanted the wedding to be about us and not our dysfunctional family. anyhow, none of my brothers acknowledged our wedding with a card, gift or anything. i called and left one a message and they didnt call back. called another one, he said i woke him up, said he heard we got married and said he had to go and the other brother, the one i was closest with, called me twice within a couple weeks and asked how things were, but no card or anything. anyhow the brother who didnt bother to return my call i decided i was going to back off. i have tried for years to get along with him and his wife. they always made things very difficult for me. i decided when they were so rude about the wedding, i was not going out of my way anymore. i never heard from them and i dont contact them for birthdays or holidays any longer. anyhow, in the mail yesterday i got a christmas card from them with a pic of their kids on it. never before have they sent a card. was wondering how people feel i should respond to that. my husband and i dont agree as to how i should respond to the card and im interested to know what people think. thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 11:16am

My best guess from what you describe: Some people need to feel they have more freedom and want to respond on their own terms. Like a cat, the more you "chase" them the more they run away. With your brothers, I wonder if the more you attempted to establish a relationship with them, the more they were put off. What you see as warm, loving and inclusive behavior, they may see as overbearing and restricting their freedom. Once you back off of them, they feel the freedom to react the way they want and become willing to make overtures themselves.

At any rate, what you were doing before wasn't working and what you are doing (turning away) is. So continue with holding yourself back from them. Maybe this one brother feels like he has more say now in establishing a relationship with you on his terms. Maybe he and his wife just miss the attention you gave them. Or maybe they realized that being so cold to you had consequences. Whatever the reason, try keeping things cool with your brother and his wife with less contact.

As for your other brothers, start holding yourself back with them as well. Don't cut off contact, just begin treating them in the fashion that you treat the brother you wrote off.

As for the card, enjoy it, but don't respond. Let them hang out for a bit. I don't know your holiday plans if you have them, so I can't be more specific. You may never be as close to your brothers and their wives as you want, and I think you'll need to have patience for this tactic to work, but I also think it's your best bet.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 12:29pm

Maybe they are trying to reach out to you at this time, but with a Christmas card it is hard to tell what they are thinking. I would send a card in return as a good will gesture. Maybe add just a quick note thanking them for sharing the picture of the children and let it go at that until they make the next move and you have more of a clue what they might be thinking.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:21pm
Hi, I would return the card with a short note like the pictures were very nice. Happy holidays. I have relatives who do the same thing to me. You are not alone. Some families like mine just are not close. i guess that's just the way it is for us so we have to make our own lives... Make your own little family with you and your husband with new holiday traditions and stuff like that. Have a good holiday season.Rifka
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 6:20pm

My cousins are the same way with me. They only send cards with their kids' pictures and they've mistreated me. I think that people sending out pictures of their kids to people they mistreat is more just a show than really reaching out. I choose not to send them cards back because they've hurt me alot and I don't feel they're reaching out in a true way.

cbc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:05am
thanks for your input. you all have helped me decide how to handle the situation and i feel better about this. its just so frustrating. i feel i would rather not deal with the people than have them keep coming in and out of our lives. they play such mind games. i try to be simple, you either are on my side and are my friend, or you are not. if you are not, please leave me alone and go about your life. that is much easier for me, but life doesnt always work the way you want it to, i know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:41am
Hi, I am sort of in the same boat with what you are talking about. My brother and sis-in-law live in their own world. It doesn't help getting upset over them. I would suggest to just let things happen as they do. I would just send them a card for the holiday. A zebra won't change it's stripes. I found that getting upset over the behavior of people who are suppose to show love towards you and don't isn't helping you feel better about the situation. Sometimes we need to let a higher power take care of things if you catch what I am saying. Every time you think about them and how they treat you, stop and tell yourself you cannot change them and that you are a good person and are not allowing the negativity that they spread into your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:38pm
If I were in your situation, I don't think I would send any of them a Christmas card. Also, I don't think I would go to any great lengths to have any communication with them. If I WANTED to communicate with them, I would. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 7:44am
thats the way i feel. i truely dont want to keep in touch with any of them because i dont want my children to see them treat me the way they dont and i dont want my daughter or son, whom are not born yet-but we are working on that-to feel that this behavior is appropriate. that is the main inspriation and strength for me-knowing that my husband and i will have children that i want to have an open mind and not to be around such miserable, angry people. my brothers obviously have a problem with the world and they are miserable people. i feel that keeping in touch with them right now is only prolonging the inevitable. the holidays have always been tough and i guess at some point this will stop-but not this year.