Tired of SIL crap!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Tired of SIL crap!
6
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:25pm
I will try and make this short.I have a MIL and 2 SIL and they have always been odd but have gotten worse over the years.My H and I used to be really close to SIL 2 being that we were both married with small children and seemed to enjoy alot of the same things.Our kids loved playing together also.MIL and SIL 1 always seemed jealous of our relationship and would try and cause problems between us all the time.They did succeed quite often but we always made up.Before I go further I have to tell you that my H has always been on my side and has always warned me about his M and sisters.He told me from the time we were dating to watch what I said around them because they would twist and turn what I would say and use it against me.Five years ago the crap starting getting pretty bad and SIL 1 and her then H were telling my H and I that SIL 2 was saying all kinds of stuff about us and that they wouldn't even go up to visit her when invited because they didn't agree with the two faced behavior of hers.I like an idiot took the bait and made a comment about SIL 2 something to the effect"well if she feels that way about me then she can pay us the money we owed her and she doesn't have to see us again".I know the money issue should of been kept private but I said it out of hurt and can't take it back.Well don't you know SIL 1 took that and ran to SIL 2.The next thing I know I call SIL 2 and she is cold to me and tells me that now she understands everything,it is clear to her etc.I don't even know what in the heck shes talking about.I ask her and she won't tell me she tells me to call SIL 1 because her telling me would be hearing it second hand?what?My H calls her and she tells him about the money talk and that is the only thing she would tell him about.Till this day we still do not know what else was said but me opening my mouth about that money seemed to validate everything SIL 1 said about me.For 5 years I made attempts to reconcile even though my H said that he didn't care because they are all crazy and just make his life miserable.SIL 2 and her family came to our home for the weekend of new years 2004.We reconciled and swore not to let anyone come between us again and they went home and we didn't hear from them again.I have lupus and am not the healthiest person.Over the past five years I have been in & out of the hospital.I had a hip replacement which got infected and I was without a hip for 10 months and spent 18 weeks on IV antibiotics at home. They knew about this and never tried to contact us or ever offer to help out in any way.This hurt me badly I didn't grow up like this.Then my H,their brother got diagnosed with CHF(congestive heart failure) right before thanksgiving of 2005,they knew and did not even bother to contact him.His M did and told me her daughter(SIL 1)told her it can be controlled with medications.I guess then we don't have to worry?So here we are august 2006 and my MIL gets diagnosed with aml leukemia.My BIL called us we went to the hospital and ironically SIL 1 was civil(except when SIL 2 is around) and SIL 2 was cold to us.My MIL is not expected to live very long and wanted the family together for the holiday so we got stuck hosting it because everyone else thinks they have no room in there homes which is crap.They were cold as you can be to someone without being outright rude after I stayed up till 7 am to make a great evening for everyone and their M.I want to say something but I'm not sure what to do.Yes they are childish this whole thing is and don't you know who is taking her MIL to the doctors appt.s because no one else can!Now my family is getting so upset about this because they were never there for me and my H when we needed them.Help!
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 3:36pm
Hi. Welcome to the board. I think that you should just keep your distance from them. I wouldn't host anymore holidays at your home for these people ever again. They are very rude, and cold to you in your own home. That is unacceptable. You don't deserve to be treated that was especially in your own home. If they can't treat you with basic respect, then they shouldn't be welcome anymore. I understand that MIL is sick, but that is no excuse for their crappy behavior. They expect you to be there for MIL, yet they can't be there for their own brother in his time of need? That is just wrong. They have shown their true colors. They are cold, heartless, and selfish people. Keep your distance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:53pm

Welcome Kiersten14!

I agree with Melissa. If they can't treat you with respect, then you don't need to be around them or have them in your home. You don't need their garbage with everything else you have going on.

Edited 12/5/2006 11:59 pm ET by cl-stretch123




Edited 12/5/2006 11:59 pm ET by cl-stretch123
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:11am
Hi, thanks for the welcome. I'm so glad I found a place to vent and get advice from others. I will not be hosting any holidays for them again I have been burned for the last time and refuse to be guilted into hosting anything again. They have always been inconsiderate and I guess it's time I just accept them for who they are.FYI-When SIL was going through a divorce years ago H and I were newly married with our first child and didn't have much money but wanted her and her children to have a nice holiday so we went all out that xmas eve for them. They showed up all of them and MIL ate and left within two hours to go back to MIL house to exchange gifts with each other. H and I just sat there like we had just been wiped out by a tornado. I guess I should of learned then and saved myself alot of grief over the years!
Kiersten
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:17am
Thanks for the welcome and the advice!
Kiersten
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:07pm

I don't understand WHY you feel the need to rescue these ppl? His sister got a divorce if you didn't have much money - why did you buy the gifts? Or why bother trying to get back your r/ship with SIL2 after the gossiping incident? I mean, she believed her sister w/o talking to you - its not like she really cared enough to bother w/the truth?

Why on earth do you feel so obligated to these ppl? What is it that you think you owe them!?!?!?!

Maybe you keep making investments in these ppl bc you have an idea in your head of "how things should be". With that comes expectations - expectations like family should contact you when you are sick. This family does NOT share your values and therefore you are going to keep getting disappointed by investing in them.

Don't you have your own family who share your values? If so, then why do you need them in your life at all?

To help you with that remember this: you do not owe them anything. You do not need to explain, justify or rationalize WHY you will not have holidays, why you will not put out any more effort than you deem them worthy of. As soon as you try to tell them or explain, you are going off the assumption you owe them that much - you do not.

Good luck!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:27am
Hi Dee,
Thanks for the advice! I do have a great family who is loving and we are always there for one another and I guess I keep thinking that I can change things. Don't get me wrong my family has arguments etc. but we accept each other for who they are and agree to disagree. I know it's time for me to just accept them for who they are and let go.
Kiersten