Webcam

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Webcam
18
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:34pm

My sil just had a darling baby girl and I'm happy to get pictures of her by e-mail but now my sil wants us to get a webcam. We live across the country from my in-laws and it's a good thing, if you know what I mean. I have never wanted a webcam even before i was married so it's not personal against my in-laws. I'm a private person in some ways although I'm an extrovert when I'm with people, so I think they're taking it personally. My biggest problem is that my fil and mil are getting a webcam too and everyone now knows that we're not because of me. They can't believe I don't want one and I'm afraid they're going to continually try to pressure me into it or cut me off in stony silence if I don't which my sil is really good at doing.

My fil and bil (the one married to my sil) are abusive to me and my sil and I hate dealing with it. It hurts and enrages me whether they do it to me or if I have to witness them doing it to her. These are additional reasons I don't want a webcam that are personal in regards to my in-laws.

I'd appreciate input from y'all.
cbc

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 6:19pm
LOL!! I certainly wouldn't purchase one -- now, if the ILs would like to give you one for a Christmas gift, that might be okay. You don't have to turn it on unless you choose too. ;o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:50pm

I think fluffy has the right idea, how about your DH tells them that if it's so important to them for you two to have a webcam, *they* buy one? Then you just never learn how to turn it on. (Do be sure you know how to turn it *off*, however) Or just never seem to be online to chat at the same time they are. Or, or, or.

And you can use the webcam with people who actually care about you! :o)

ilve2read

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 6:33am

How sad that you have to "deal with" being abused. Isn't your husband outraged? Doesn't anyone give a damn that you guys are abused? For cripes sake, I sure hope SIL doesn't have any more children with an abusive man.

Stand up and refuse to be abused. Your husband should be the MAN and demand that his father and BIL act like they have some sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 5:50pm

The abuse I was receiving has pretty much stopped because I don't fly back there anymore and so far, I've only spoken to my fil once in the past year. I've taken a huge step back from my in-laws as their true controlling and judgmental colors have come out. The first few years I embraced them wholeheartedly and all seemed well.

It is a sad situation. I wanted us all to feel like a real family but I want it to be a supportive, uplifting one. Not an abusive, judgmental one. My husband doesn't see it this way. He isn't outraged at all. Most of us are here because our husbands aren't backing us up. My husband is very astute when it comes to observing people. He is socially savvy but he has a huge blind spot where his own parents are concerned. He also hasn't personally witnessed my BIL being abusive to me or my SIL as it seems my BIL knows better than to do it around my husband who is bigger than him.

Obviously getting a webcam sets me back up for abuse to take place again as his father does it right in front of him and actually my MIL and SIL are often judgmental about my life too. What bothers me about this as well is that there is no respect for privacy in this family and no respect for other cultures or peoples or ways of living other than their own very rigid way. Their way is right and everybody else doing it differently is WRONG. They are all completely enmeshed and I'm not into that, especially since I'm being mistreated.

I was baffled by how I was being treated by them and then I read and learned that abuse and judgment are all about control. That's why my name here is cantbecontrolled. I don't want to be controlled by them and I realize that pretty much means cutting them off.

This isn't an easy situation. I've read countless in-law stories on the web and this is a societal problem. I haven't done anything to deserve this. I've always been respectful to his family members. They don't respect my boundaries because they have no concept of boundaries. I don't feel emotionally or psychologically safe with them.

CBC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 9:05pm

Is your husband being unreasonable about the webcam? Or does he not really care?

'Cause if the idea of having a webcam leads you to feel threatened, then you need to not get it. Feeling safe in one's own "den" is of utmost importance.

I hope it works out the best way possible for you.

{{{hugs}}}

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:41pm
Your ILs know that you don't want a webcam. So, they may not talk to you because you don't want a webcam. That is THEIR problem, not yours. You don't have to have anything in your house that you don't want to have in your house.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:34am

Thank you for supporting me. I really need it! My hubby is actually supporting my decision right now. I'm blown away! I'm also feeling on edge that he'll change his mind once they get to him. I'm trying not to go there. He's on my side !!!! Yea!!!

I understand my SIL (whose idea this was) She's so excited about her baby girl and we are too, really! I could see thinking about a webcam if we were going to have kids too but I can't have children so it's just us. My hubby says that we will set it up so we can see them on the webcam but they can't see us and I think I'm o.k. with that. I'll have to see. It's never simple and cut and dried, is it?

It is hard for me to deal with the abuse and control and guilt I get from my in-laws because I am bedridden with severe chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia and I can no longer work or work out or have a social life or do all the things I could before to deal with my stress. Our little condo has become a sanctuary for me and I try to keep it very happy and positive in here energy wise.

My inlaws probably wouldn't treat me so badly if I could work and have kids. I look perfectly well as most people with my diseases do so they treat me like a malingerer.

My FIL says "Sick people look sick" and my MIL looks at me with disbelief when I say I can't exercise regularly.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 7:20am

You poor thing. Your inlaws are idiots. You can be very ill and not look it.

You can take my opinion with a grain of salt if you want. But, IMO, I think you should not see these people anymore. I mean, they talk to you and about you like dirt, for which your husband should be having an absolute fit over, and the stress will cause your health problems to worsen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:14am

I would never buy a webcam for my IL's to use with me. HAHA To me a webcam feels kind of intrusive, but when my DD was born, my dad bought two for us to use. They didn't work great, but that's just my experience! If they want to buy one for you, and your H will use it without you having to, then I guess I would just let it happen without a fuss. As soon as they insist you particiapte, you can put your foot down and say no thank you.


GL


Liz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: cantbecontrolled
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:57am

Thanks so much for your support everyone! This is what I needed. This webcam deal has caused me guilt and I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I agree with cutting them off completely but, (I KNOW here's the big BUTT, lol!) in my case they haven't pushed forward when I stepped back a year ago or so. I think my MIL and SIL are sweet alot of the time and they both have helped me alot with so many things I have to do.

It's my FIL that I have the biggest problem with. When he says he feels sorry for my husband because I can't bake for instance, although I do cook as much as I can; I only have so much energy and baking is not a priority, it makes me feel horrible and useless. I would love to bake if I could. He really hurts me about many issues like that and I've spoken to him many times about how bad he makes me feel and he still does it and denies he's doing anything wrong. Everyone in the family thinks I should just deal and never confront him. I finally realized it's not about baking per se, this man is angry with the fact that his eldest son who's a gem, has married useless, old me. (I don't feel that myself and neither does Hubby- now that I've realized how controlling and abusive his dad is I'm just full of rage at the idiot!)

They are all controlling though and that's part of why I can't do a webcam. If they get worse, i will cut them off completely but I'm hoping I don't have to. My husband does seem to be standing up for me now, at least about the webcam so we'll see. This is major!! He was so stubborn and only on their side about everything before. I was reading the highlighted parts of Boundaries and Toxic Inlaws last night and the authors of one of them was saying that if we run into a stonewall with our hubbies, in time, he might turn around. Maybe that's what's happening.

I hope everyone here can get support from their husbands eventually, at least. That's a nice Christmas wish, isn't it?

cbc




Edited 12/7/2006 5:56 am ET by cantbecontrolled

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