Family Drama

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Family Drama
7
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 7:57pm

Not only am I a first-time mom-to-be but I was also married ten months ago and became and instant mom to an eight-year-old and a DIL to a domineering, MIL and a somewhat less demanding FIL. My husband is the golden favorite of the family and regardless of the fact that his daughter was born out of wedlock (which means not only do I have to deal with demanding in-laws, I also have to deal with my husband's one-night-stand-gone-wrong), he is still in the clutches of his mother. To make matters worse, my MIL/FIL raised my stepdaughter for the past four years of her life (my husband is a pilot and cannot be home regularly).

So! My MIL especially believes she and my FIL have exclusive rights to our daughter's time and affections and if I don't answer the phone when they call or don't call back immediately, they phone my husband at work or even call MY MOTHER and make a big scene about me not allowing Sara to call them. It's infuriating.

They treat me as if I'm not good enough (granted, they are multimillionaires and I come from a staunchly middleclass family) for their son and like I'm not a good mom for Sara.

I've been advised to just smile and nod but I am an intelligent, strong-willed, independent person and my spirit rebels. Agh! Any helpful suggestions for dealing with this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:17pm
It's hard to say without knowing how they treat you. If you elaborate more we could respond better.
As for the issue you described: When she calls your mother or husband they should tell your MIL that it's none of their business and she shouldnt call again about this. I am a non-confrontational person by nature, so if this happened to me I would probably let Sarah answer every time she calls. That way I wouldnt have an obligation to answer and she wont be able to complain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 11:57am
Well, I see two different scenarios from the information that you provided. One scenario is that you are trying to spend time getting to know your new step-daughter and would like some alone time with her to do just that. I think that is great and your dh and your mom should let your in-laws know this when they call them questioning your judgement and ask them to back off. This is a time that is important to start a good friendship between you and her and they should respect the fact that their son has started a two-parent family that can now primarily raise his dd.
Now another scenario I can take from your info would be far less pretty. If you and your new step-daughter do not like each other and you do not answer the phone when the in-laws call her to be spiteful, that would be wrong. Please do not take offense to that but I just have to play devils advocate. Anyway, I trust that you are intelligent and mature enough to not play the evil step-mom role.
More info would be better but that is my take on it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 10:10pm

Hi Professormomtobe, welcome to the board!

What do they do/say that makes you feel that they think you aren't good enough for them?
Without more information, it is hard to give any sound advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:23am
after being married to my dh for 15years....I have finally come to the conclusion that my inlaws are never going to change and I need to make our family (dh&kids) my priority. I guess I am a slow learner. the kids grow up so fast...so make your kids and hubby your priority and if the inlaws fit in occasionally great. but they are not your priority and their feelings will be hurt.
Now here is the most important part: it is NOT your job to smooth the relationship with the inlaws...it is your dh's job. He needs to tell them to back off and needs to make it clear to them that you and the kids are his priority now and that he still loves them, but they need to back off and let you bond. After being with my hubby over 16 years...my mil actually called a couple months ago and congradulated me on finally succeeding on stealing their son! We just had to laugh... I hope all goes well. We let my inlaws know we love them, but we no longer feel guilty about whether or not we fulfill their expectations. I never talk bad about the inlaws in front of the kids either....I wish you the best. i hope if you set the bondaries now you will not have to worry about it as many years I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 5:25pm
I had to laugh when you said that your ILs called and congratulated you on stealing their son. That is fuuny, but sad. I have a MIL like that. I have learned after five years of being together ( 3 .5 years of marriage) that my MIL still looks at my 33 yr old husband as her 'child'. The crappy thing is that my husband is about to have surgery and I have already made her mad about the situation with surgery. I told her that she couldn't spend the night. I have learned one thing, whether or not it is his or my job to stand our ground with the MIL. I usually stand my ground. I am tired of her acting like my husband is still a 3 yr old that lives at home and needs his mommy. He doesn't need her in that sense anymore. My DH is a successful man and husband and I don't ask her for anything. I didn't even ask her for anything for christmas when she asked. I try to keep my distance. But I am a strong willed and independent woman myself and I REFUSE to deal with her crap for the rest of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 1:37am
I don't agree with whoever told you to to smile and nod about it all because one day you just won't be able to take it no more. I have done that for five years now and it has all built up. I have now had enough and am wondering why I endured it for soooo long. You sound smart and intellegent and probably know that your inlaws have a strong attachment to your stepdaughter. But they need to understand that you need to be given a chance to do your part now and not to be so demanding. Maybe if you can explain this as nice as you can to them they will get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 8:34pm
I have to agree 100% here. I've waited 10 years and this Christmas incident we've had has pushed me over the edge. My difficulty is that my DH absolutely doesn't see the problem and won't say anything to her. So, hopefully you can get your DH on board. Starting early and letting him know it's the way it needs to be has got to be better than what I've done.

Melissa