Almost @ the breaking point
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Almost @ the breaking point
| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:03pm |
Hello Everyone!
I'm new to the whole ivillage experience. I stumbled on the inlaw message board, and am convinced you guys can help me out! My boyfriend and I have been happily dating for close to three years now. We've been friends since high school, and get along great! Unfortunately, this great man comes with an odd sister and an over-protective father. The thing is, he's not overprotective of my boyfriend, or his older sister.. just the odd one. This odd sister (lets call her Sue), is 22 years old, living at home, not because she can't afford to move out, she has a full time job making over 30$/hr(but because she wants to save up for a log cabin on the lake), and basically runs the show. My Boyfriend and I are 20, (I'm graduating from University this year, and he has just begun his aprenticeship as a mechanic), so we're pretty limited to visiting each other in our parents' homes. This only adds to the tension between his sister and the rest of the family. Recently, Sue took a fit about me wanting to stay there for thanksgiving, because according to her, I am not allowed to stay over there while she's there. This woman insists on pinching my sides, nudging me aggressively, making fat comments,digging in the back of my shirt to look at the tags :S, ripping dishes out of my hands while doing supper dishes, refuses to eat if i've cooked dinner over there, and repeatedly blasts loud foreign music while singing along (as to drown out my BF and my romantic movie date). And that's not even half of it. Some of these things just annoy me, others offend me deeply. I have held back saying anything (which is not typical of my personality!) simply because I want to show respect towards my loved one's family. The most recent incident has left me wondering whether I should stand up for myself once and for all. Here it is: this year, as a way to save money, his family did the "secret santa" draw. Thankfully, I picked his older sister's name (this older sister does not get along with Sue)but Sue picked me, and told my BF that she's going to "trade me in". The next morning, my FIL told my BF that "Sue and I are going to have a talk since I can't seem to look at Sue in the eye properly." My BF stood up for me, and explained that Sue has "treated me like c*ap" for three years and we're both tired of it. My FIL took great offence to that, and told my BF that Sue simply has a "different" sense of humor, and that I don't know how to take a joke. Am I the only one who considers pinching, poking, nudging, insults, and general inconsideration for somone to be inappropriate and immature behavior for a 22 year old?? I understand that she's obviously got some kind of social disability, because she's not able to keep friends very well, but I don't think I need to suffer because of it. I'm frustrated that my ILs let it happen, and allow her to be rude to virtually everyone she meets. I mean, you know there's a problem when her own siblings can't stand her behavior! I feel as though this "talk" between Sue, my FIL and I is only going to justify her behavior, and further my frustration. Should I let her have it? or simply smile and nod like I've been doing for far too long? Can anyone relate? or give me any type of advice? I know this is more of a rant then anything, but i'd still appreciate to hear what you guys have to say! Thanks a bunch. :)
I'm new to the whole ivillage experience. I stumbled on the inlaw message board, and am convinced you guys can help me out! My boyfriend and I have been happily dating for close to three years now. We've been friends since high school, and get along great! Unfortunately, this great man comes with an odd sister and an over-protective father. The thing is, he's not overprotective of my boyfriend, or his older sister.. just the odd one. This odd sister (lets call her Sue), is 22 years old, living at home, not because she can't afford to move out, she has a full time job making over 30$/hr(but because she wants to save up for a log cabin on the lake), and basically runs the show. My Boyfriend and I are 20, (I'm graduating from University this year, and he has just begun his aprenticeship as a mechanic), so we're pretty limited to visiting each other in our parents' homes. This only adds to the tension between his sister and the rest of the family. Recently, Sue took a fit about me wanting to stay there for thanksgiving, because according to her, I am not allowed to stay over there while she's there. This woman insists on pinching my sides, nudging me aggressively, making fat comments,digging in the back of my shirt to look at the tags :S, ripping dishes out of my hands while doing supper dishes, refuses to eat if i've cooked dinner over there, and repeatedly blasts loud foreign music while singing along (as to drown out my BF and my romantic movie date). And that's not even half of it. Some of these things just annoy me, others offend me deeply. I have held back saying anything (which is not typical of my personality!) simply because I want to show respect towards my loved one's family. The most recent incident has left me wondering whether I should stand up for myself once and for all. Here it is: this year, as a way to save money, his family did the "secret santa" draw. Thankfully, I picked his older sister's name (this older sister does not get along with Sue)but Sue picked me, and told my BF that she's going to "trade me in". The next morning, my FIL told my BF that "Sue and I are going to have a talk since I can't seem to look at Sue in the eye properly." My BF stood up for me, and explained that Sue has "treated me like c*ap" for three years and we're both tired of it. My FIL took great offence to that, and told my BF that Sue simply has a "different" sense of humor, and that I don't know how to take a joke. Am I the only one who considers pinching, poking, nudging, insults, and general inconsideration for somone to be inappropriate and immature behavior for a 22 year old?? I understand that she's obviously got some kind of social disability, because she's not able to keep friends very well, but I don't think I need to suffer because of it. I'm frustrated that my ILs let it happen, and allow her to be rude to virtually everyone she meets. I mean, you know there's a problem when her own siblings can't stand her behavior! I feel as though this "talk" between Sue, my FIL and I is only going to justify her behavior, and further my frustration. Should I let her have it? or simply smile and nod like I've been doing for far too long? Can anyone relate? or give me any type of advice? I know this is more of a rant then anything, but i'd still appreciate to hear what you guys have to say! Thanks a bunch. :)

I strongly advise against a "talk" with this abusive woman and her enabling father.
I can almost guarantee that what will happen is that you will be inundated with all of your "faults" as perceived by these two. Any attempts to defend yourself or point out the abusive behavior will be met with further abuse and/or dismissed as further evidence of *your* shortcomings.
If you go along with it, record it. Preferably video and audio. It could be very helpful in the future. Oh, and make sure that BF is there, too. So he gets a very clear picture of just what his father is willing to do to a woman your BF loves. He's less likely to "forget" just how bad they are.
A joke is only funny if *all* of the involved people find it funny. Otherwise it's re-labeled abuse.
Are you sure you want to be involved with this man's family issues? Is he strong enough to resist his father's using him for slave labor and dumping ground? What happens when you have your own property to maintain? Is your BF going to give up his sleeping time to keep himself going AND kowtow to his Daddy Dearest? 'Cause you know there will be reactions to your BF wanting his own life.
Congrats on sticking with school, and good luck working this out. Maybe you and BF could move across the country when the schooling/apprenticing is finished. :o)
ilve2read
I am overjoyed to hear that i'm not the only one who labels this behavior abusive. I had a physically/mentally abusive father, who did a lot of harm to our family, so my definition of abuse is quite broad.. and I thought I might have been overreacting to "Sue"'s actions. My boyfriend and I are so excited to get our lives together and get ourselves a little appartment somewhere.. we're just waiting for the $$ to come in! We're both working towards great careers, and are really optimistic about the future. I've told him many time he's worth all of this drama..lol..he tends to enjoy that. I realize i'm fortunate to have such a great partner.
About this "talk" with the FIL & SIL.. I'm really hesitant to say anything at all. Like my mother says "you gotta kill them with kindness". Jealous, vindictive people are only frustrated by happiness. So I've talked to by BF, we've decided to stick it out together, we won't initiate conversation, but if the FIL or SIL says something, we're going to listen. I think my method of "recording" the conversation will be through my BF's witnessing everything for himself. What i'm afraid of is that he's going to get hurt in the process. I will be happy if these behavioral issues of hers get cleared up, but I don't think a patronizing talk is going to do much.
Thanks Again for the support :)
Hi Mizmonroe20, welcome!
I am not in favor of a meeting with you, FIL and your SIL. Your SIL and FIL are only going to lace into you and whatever issues there are, they are going to double team you. There is no excuse for her behavior and I do not think that you need to talk to either one of them about it.
Perhaps the best thing to do is to have your boyfriend visit your family's house instead.
If you go over your bf's house, I think the next time she does something like poke you, etc. you need to let her know that you think her behavior is inappropriate. You could say, "I don't appreciate being poked." or "I don't appreciate it when you make jokes about ______."
Also, why doesn't your boyfriend tell his sister to cut it out?
Hello clstretch123!
The good news is my BF tells her REAPEATEDLY to cut it out. Everytime he sees it anyways. The bad news is the woman's head is denser than a cinder block! My BF and I have been telling her that her behavior is rude, but nothing comes of it other than tears from her, and a speech from daddy. My SIL is an absolute slob, and my BF and I consider ourselves to be very neat people. I don't even touch the subject, but my BF tells her to clean up her garbage around the house and do her part (considering she's living there for free, without responsibility of any kind. This is another hot button issue with the FIL also. It's basically just a vicious cycle of abuse. The SIL abuses us, we get in her face, the FIL steps in, Yells at us, and he overprotects her. He's not doing her any good by defending this behavior! Thankfully, and I know this sounds strange, but i'm thankful that the FIL does not overprotect my BF! I don't think I would be able to respect someone without a backbone. But like I mentioned earlier, my BF does stick up to her, and I've begun sticking up to her also. It's really only gotten us deeper in the problem. I'm at a loss for solutions!
You can't change people. And it seems to me that you're trying to change your FIL and SIL and getting frustrated that they wont change their behavior, behavior which is completely acceptable and normal to your FIL and rude to you and your BF. It doesnt matter who is right here. Some people would say you're right but you'd be surprised that some people might say that they are right and you're the uptight one, you should change YOUR attitude! I'm not saying that you should.. just saying that there is always the flip side. Getting along with people doesnt mean they should adapt their behavior to your liking always and vice versa.. that doesnt happen always.. happens very rarely in fact. Most of the time getting along with people just means that you keep a safe distance from each other mentally and physically. By minimizing contact you minimize friction.
You're fighting a losing battle with your in-laws by trying to argue that your SIL should change her behavior. They dont think that what they are doing is wrong. They think that YOU have the problem.. see? They can argue back that YOU should change YOUR behavior.
I agree with the others that by confronting them you're setting yourself up for more "abuse" from them. IMHO you should start maintaining a safe distance from them. Dont visit them as much, ask your BF to come over and try to get your BF out of there asap.
Wanted to add: about your statement below.... I disagree with this assessment.
" I mean, you know there's a problem when her own siblings can't stand her behavior! "
I wanted to point out that siblings rarely can stand each other for prolonged periods of time, no matter how much they love one another and like each other. It's just the way family dynamic works.. brother and sisters fight when you make them see each other too much.
So I think what people are saying is: detach from them and minimize contact. That's all.