Do we really have to visit the in-laws?
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| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:09pm |
Hello everyone!
I'm in desperate need of advice. My relationship with the MIL (and by association the SIL) has rapidly deteriorated since I got engaged (and now married) to my husband. Even before we got engaged, MIL has always been very critical of me - but I managed to handle her in a cordial manner. The crux of the matter is that my husband moved across the coast to start a new career and his family, especially the MIL, never quite got over it. My husband and I met several years after his big move and now that we are married, I believe that his family's anger has found a scapegoat in me (and by extension, my family). For example, when my family took his family out for dinner on the first big "meeting of the families," my in laws could not stop complaining that the food was greasy and unhealthy. I'm not a stickler for Emily Post or anything, but I thought it was very rude of them. Maybe I was raised differently but I was taught that if you don't like the food, a simple "thank you for dinner" should suffice, right? A lot of thought went into choosing the restaurant, I mean my family was taking out the in-laws, so of course it was a really nice restaurant not some grease joint! My mother felt terrible and she offered to take them to a Japanese restaurant. My MIL said that she "NEVER eats sushi when she travels." Two hours later, the MIL goes out with a friend of hers for lunch - a SUSHI BUFFET (because, we all know that budget sushi is the most hygenic) - and she comes back with menus in hand to show me what a wonderful time she had and could not stop raving about it!
During the week of the wedding, my mother again tries to invite them out to dinner. When I asked my MIL, she responds with "I'm going to see her anyway on Friday (the day of the rehearsal dinner), so why bother?" I could not believe my ears! It was extra embarrassing because she said that in front of one of my bridesmaids, who became very worried about my future with these people. I let it drop, but the following day my mother asks me to invite them to dinner again. In an attempt to soften the blow, I asked my husband to ask her. Next thing that happened shocked me even more. MIL starts screaming about how she "won't go," how she "refuses to eat the food," and how she is "confused" ( I never understood that comment even though she screamed it over and over again). She then demanded an apology for my inability to understand that she was being courteous by declining my mother's dinner invitation! She even said that her English is poor and that I misunderstood her courtesy, when I confronted her about her (In my mind, very rude) answer the previous day. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and apologized for the misunderstanding.
I think her latent hostilities broke out into the open when the next day after the rehearsal dinner, she claims that I did not say goodbye to her when she left. I thought that was preposterous! I have to admit that I do not specifically remember giving her a hug and saying goodbye to her since there were a lot of people at the rehearsal. But because I knew there was going to be a lot of people, I made it a point to stand by the restaurant entrance to bid farewell to whoever walked past the door. I explained that to her when she called at 2AM the night before the wedding. She said that "if you said goodbye to me, I do not remember." And demanded an apology for my rudeness. She even refused to walk down the aisle until I apologized! In disbelief, my pre-husband told me to apologize - "they are just words" - he said. I mean, I am not a proud person, but I do not like to apologize for stuff I did not do! Long story short, after I apologized she proceeds to give me a lecture on my rude behavior until 5AM the morning of the wedding!
Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent. My husband and I go and visit them during Christmas. But she makes the holidays a living hell. She fights with my husband almost the entire duration of the trip. Actually, there isn't even a fight, she just screams at him and he just sits there and takes it. She constantly tries to drag me into the fight and now she has begun to pick fights with me. It has made me dread the holidays. I don't want to go, spend 5+ hours on an airplane each way and spend a week in her house. I told my husband that I no longer want to go and he keeps promising that it will be better. Yet the sense of dread is driving me absolutely crazy! I never thought of my own family as idyllic, of course we have our problems, but we don't put each other through the wringer like my MIL does her family. Am I just being naive?
Edited 12/10/2006 11:19 am ET by ivil_mina
Edited 12/10/2006 11:24 am ET by ivil_mina

Welcome to the board, and congrats on your wedding. Thank goodness this evil woman doesn't live nearby!! Good move on your Dh's part, pun intended.
Your husband is the naive one. How is anything going to get better if nothing changes? If she is allowed to scream at him, interfere with your sleep, interfere with the wedding and disrupt your very lives, where is the "get better" supposed to fit?
Why should she change anything? What she is doing right now works for her. *You* apologized for *her* bad behavior. Her son sits like a good little boy (just like she taught him to) while she screams and rants and raves about whatever she wants to scream about. Why should she change anything?
If you do go, please, Please, PLEASE insist on staying at a hotel with a rental car. That way, the two of you have a place to escape to and YOU have a place to escape to if he is not willing to save himself. You keep the car key in your possession at all times!
Then, you can be all sympathetic and loving while he's suffering her abuse, offering the contrast of genuine love to her manipulations.
You may seriously want to consider counseling to help the two of you see her boundary issues for what they are, and to help the two of you identify, set and defend your boundaries.
I do wish you and your husband the very best, and hope that you get help to put her in her place. You know, the background!
ilve2read
Thank you for your advice, ilve2read!
I think that is an excellent solution to the problem and would like to follow it but, I do not have a driver's license! I live in NYC and I know it is a big shortcoming. But you know what? I am motivated to get a license now even though I won't get one before this Christmas. You've hit the problem right on the nose - I never knew what claustrophobic meant until I started spending my holidays at with (at that time "pre") in-laws.
But this actually leads to another problem which I started to touch on in the previous post - the SIL. I always thought we got along. I never was a "pick up the phone and chat" person, but I do email her and when we get together, on either coast, I always chat with her. That is until the week of the wedding when both my FIL (the reason why he didn't feature much in the previous post is because the MIL completely dominates him - he's a really really nice guy, but he's sort of "just there") and MIL came up to me and said that I leave my SIL out of my life and how SIL feels like I "don't talk enough." This is ironic because if SIL has problems with my lack of communication, why doesn't she talk to me about it, instead of going to her parents? So, again, giving them the benefit of the doubt, I stepped up my email communications, and you know what? My SIL rarely responds!
Another interesting twist is that my husband told me that SIL wants some "alone time" with him when we go visit. Now I personally don't mind, I ask only that they drop me at the local library so that my MIL doesn't get at me again. But I'm curious, again maybe because our families are structured different, but I never would tell my sister that I want some "alone time" with her and tell her husband to scram. Which leads back to the plan of getting a hotel. My SIL says that my husband and I already "run away" from the problem (the MIL). Which is weird, because we go for a jog first thing in the morning and then go get coffee (where they live, it takes 15 minutes to drive to a decent cafe) and that is about the only time we leave the house without them. And that's because they wake up at 11AM! The rest of the time we go out, we always invite everyone to come, but they always refuse to go.
Hi,
I read your posts and I think, "Oh my goodness!" I can't believe how manipulative and emotionally blackmailing your in-laws are! First of all, no, you are under no obligation to visit them. Your MIL has given you the perfect "out". Get angry!!! You have every right to be angry. Let me get this straight. She yells about not wanting to go out with your family and she and others in the house refuse to accompany you and hubby when you invite them out yet they claim you're not there enough for them??? Head games!! No, no, no. Ok I'm calming down....
You have every right to say that you wont spend time with anybody who screams continually at your husband. It's too upsetting for you. Get what I'm saying? You can say, "It's too upsetting to be around her, I can't, I can't". Put it all right back where it belongs, on her!
But before you do, I highly suggest reading a book like:
Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/03105859'02
scroll down to read the reviews.
This book answers the question: "Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?"
Books like this will give you a new understanding of dealing with people like your in-laws. You have every right to decline invitaions to go anywhere or call anyone. With them telling you that your SIL wants to be alone with you and have you call her more I would call her and say, "I heard you wanted to talk to me. What's on your mind?" This will be interesting because I'm not even sure she's telling them what they're telling you about her wants. Find out. You can say "I heard you wanted some alone time with me. Why?" Make her tell you.
Let's say she says "Well, I just want some sister time with you." You can say "ok I don't know if that's going to be possible. I'm really busy." or "I'm not coming back there for Christmas." Or "Yeah, it would be so nice if we could, I'm just so busy I hardly have any alone time with hubby." Or you can schedule time with her alone if YOU want to.
I would also suggest counseling for you and your husband. However, some counselors can do more harm than good. I suggest reading about manipualitve people and boundaries and then interviewing counselors over the phone to see if they're on the same page as you once you have the information about dealing with toxic personalities. Then you will have the tools to pick a good counselor for you or you both. It's good to get support when you make changes and changes need to be made.
Your husband really needs support. He also may not want to make any changes which will mean you will need outside support even more.
I think you can turn the tables in your favor. But it sounds like you may have to cut off the in-laws to do so. In your case, your MIL is so blatantly rude to you, your husband and your family; she's given you an excuse to do so. Not that you need an excuse to protect yourself, but with her being so blatant, you can turn her misbehavior against her.
There's also good info about boundary setting online. This is one of my favorite boards:
http://www.altrue.net/site/luke173/content.php?type=1&id=12176
cbc
Edited 12/10/2006 2:53 am ET by cantbecontrolled
No you are not being naieve. And your husband is either being a wimp or dillusional. His mother has been this way his entire life. There is no getting "better". Heck for all you know, this IS better and she used to be worse!
No, you do not have to visit the in-laws when to do so is to put yourself into an abusive situation. You've backed down and allowed her to bully you long enough.
Ivil,
Since you already know what it will be like to visit your in-laws for Christmas why even entertain the idea of going? Don't! You aren't obligated to see them, especially when its so stressful for both you and your husband. There's no law that says you must spend the holidays with your in-laws, so don't. Plan a time for yourselves. If you have to visit your in-laws pick a neutral time and follow these simple rules:
1)Stay in a hotel. Remove yourself from the confining situation of staying in their home. You need privacy and a place to be. Make this a "required" condition for visiting them.
2)Don't "visit" longer than three days. In your case, I'd recommend you visit them other than Christmas or a major holiday and plan to "stop by" for an afternoon or evening. Why subject yourself to their abuse if you don't have to?
3)Limit the information and plans you share with your in-laws. Information they don't have can't be used against you.
These are called boundaries. It's important to set them, enforce them, and benefit from them. Your in-laws will not change and they will not like it, but that's their problem.
Good luck,
Hello everyone,
I just wanted to thank you guys for all your support and advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle the in-laws' increasing craziness. I've figured one way is to constantly be together with my husband so that she cannot accuse me of doing something I did not do or "misinterpret" her words. When my husband is not in the room, I'm not in the room. I realize that a lot of the craziness during the week of the wedding happened when my husband was not home (he has to work!) and I was alone with them. I work from home which allowed them to sucker punch me with their latent hostilities and craziness. After MIL's antics during the wedding (which is another long story), I evaded my in-laws (they were still staying with us until the end of the week) by telling them that I had to "meet my boss" and left when my husband left for work. I spent the day essentially hiding out at friends or working from a cafe. I know it's not really a way to live but it's the best I've come up with and it has worked. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
In answer to wisdomtooth2020's question on why we have to visit the in laws for Christmas - well, as newlyweds, we're still trying to hack out the holiday plans - so far, it's been Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas at the in-laws. I've shared everyone's advice with my husband and he's agreed to get a hotel room IF she starts screaming again. But I have to give MIL a second chance. I have reluctantly agreed. Another compromise is that we've shortened our length of stay to three days. If she continues to battle with us, we will not go back for Christmas. I want to add that I never want to go back, ever.
I feel really bad about estranging my in-laws especially at just the beginning of our married life. But I really cannot take MIL's abusive and disturbing behavior. Well, we'll see how this trip turns out.
Again thanks for the advice everyone!!!
Let us know how it goes for you. I am concerned for you that you are hiding out from them instead of confronting them, but I think you need information and support to stand up to them, as we all do. I know it's hard and sad that you have to acknowledge that you have a negative relationship with them. I've gone through mourning over this myself with mine. It's very hard to realize that you don't have the kind of relationship you wanted with them.
One thing to keep in mind is that mistreatment like this usually gets worse. That's what I've read and experienced. Please know that you are not alone in this. It's such a universal problem that some comedians have made a living off of the in-law subject! There's nothing funny about it when it's happening to you personally though.
cbc