My MIL pretends I don't exist

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
My MIL pretends I don't exist
12
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 7:31pm
Hello All
I'm really just looking for advice. I've been married for six months now, and the longer we're married the worse things become with my MIL. I'm use to my parents letting me and my siblings be very independant, and only coming to our aid should we ask for it. We have very good boundries setup and my parents abide by them. MIL doesn't, and it's her way or no way and she has no problem telling my dh off when she dosen't get her way. She won't call our house to speak with my husband, rather she emails him or calls him at work to tell him that she feels like she dosent have a son anymore cause he hasn't visited her. She treats me and my dh like we are still in university and need a hand out or her help to do anything. She never speaks to me directly, and when dh isn't in the room she ignores me or tries to do everything I'm doing (ie I'll be cooking supper and she will start telling me what he likes and doesn't like).
During our wedding phase, bridal showers etc., she expressed her desire for grand children. Even telling me infront of my mom, "You don't need to go on a honeymoon just get pregnant." I tried laughing it off the first time, but from subsequent comments I have realised that she wants me to be pregnant now. I've only been working at my full time Job for a year and I have been working really hard to get where I am. I have a degree in engineering and the job I have is in a man's world. Getting pregnant now isn't going to further my career. DH and I have discussed children, and we are on the same page (after our 3rd anniversary we're going to try). We have told her this, and she is po'd. At the last family gathering, she didn't even say hello and proceded to play with her niece and nephew's children. She wouldn't even put them down to eat, she kept giving them candy and pens. The parents were unhappy with her, and it's some family joke "to not let C!@#$ have your kids for the night." At the same party (10.12.2006) there was a Santa, supposed to be for the 2-8 year olds, that gave out presents and candy canes to the kids. To our surprise MIL had given Santa presents for me and dh, and we had to sit on his lap and tell him that we had been good boy/girl and what we wanted for Christmas. I know it sounds sweet, but being the only 30 something in the room (all the cousins are the same age and we are the ones with out kids) that had to sit on Santa's lap was not my idea of fun.
We can't get her to treat us like adults, she speaks of dh like he is 10. We can't get her to stop trying to control what we're doing. She is driving me nuts. My dh has spoken to her, he has told her countless times that he is an adult and she needs to treat him as such. It works for a few weeks and then she just starts again. She complains that we don't drive down enough, and that she dosent see him enough. DH tell's her that we have our own lives and that we will visit when it's right for us. He has told her that I am the most important thing in his life. She didn't take that well. It's starting to become very frustrating. We try to visit as often as we can, and we attend all the family functions. She is very jealous that my parents live in the same town as us and has said as much. They live 1.5 hours away. We've tried ignoring her behaviour, and the rude email's she sends or the nasty voice mail she leaves him. My dh has tried talking to her, she just says "You'll feel the same when you have kids, you'll always want to protect them and take care of them."
Anyone have any ideas?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:25pm

just a few suggestions;

1 caller id - don't answer her phone calls.
2 don't go over to see her any more. until she behaves herself.
3 stop reading the e-mails. they will only give you grief.
4 get her to stop calling work - it is inappropriate for her to be calling him at work all the time anyway (imo)

I'm so glad that your partner is on par with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:08am
My MIL is crazy too. She was the one who introduced my husband and I and everything was good until the wedding and them bam. She calls him a liar and a cheater and has done EVERYTHING in her power to break us up. All I can say is. You have to be careful! The more she knows about you and your husbands life the more she will meddle. I wish that I was more upfront w/ my mother in law when we first got married. You still have time. I have three years to try to erase. You are starting fresh. LET HER KNOW! This is your relationship, you are in it for the long haul and that if your not good enogh for her then she can shove it. Ok dont say that it is really rude and I am throwing my own emotions into this pot. Just let her know how you feel thats all you can do. As long as your husband stands beside you always you will always be fine. You married him not her don't EVER forget that no matter what. P.S. It is your descision about the kids she has no right! Geese
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 7:49am

We had this same problem with my MIL who really thought when DH and I first married that she was going to "parent" the two of us. Needless to say, it did not "fly" where I was concerned even thought at the time DH was will to "play along" to keep peace. Well, he managed to keep peace with her, but not with me and it was not at all good for our marriage when he acted like the dependent child when his mother was around.

I brought this up in counseling and the counselor flat out told DH that until her mother could see us as an adult married couple we needed to drastically limit our time around her. When we did see her, we were always together. Eventually she realized that we were not going to indulge her in "her game" and if she tried to force "her game", we would not be accessible.

Also, I would flat out refuse to even acknowledge any remarks, questions, or opinions from her related to you and your DH having a child. It is none of her business. This would be a good time for "selective hearing" on your part. Just ignore her when she brings up this topic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:36am

Hi All

Thanks for all the advice. DH and I had a long talk about things last night. He feels insulted by his mother treating us like children and he isn't putting up with it either. I really agree that limiting our time with her untill she treats us like adults will be the best thing. He feels the same way. Apparently they use to fight alot when he was living at home as a teenager, so at 19 he moved out. He's been trying to get her to lay off since then, and he just ignores her behaviour and lives his life the way he wants to. We are united in this and he deals with her, and speaks to her. The same goes when my parents do something to bug us, I speak to them.
As for the children thing, it just drives me nuts. I do my best to ignore it, I guess I just needed to vent.

I'll keep you all posted.
Thanks Again :)

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:43pm

Muphie,


Hi. I can see why you're so upset about how your MIL is treating you and your husband. Sounds like she just can't cut the apron strings.


Kudos to your husband for trying to put his Mom in her place. He's going to have to keep repeating himself (sorry, people like your MIL just don't take "no" for an answer. They'll keep trying!)


My advice? For starters stop telling her about your personal choices and decisions, like having children after your third anniversary. That's none of her business. Besides you don't know if you'll be ready by then (or maybe before). Now you've given her a "deadline" and you can bet she'll have her nose right in the bedroom when the 3rd anniversary rolls around. It will be much harder for you two if you've decided to delay starting a family at that time. Same goes for any other personal decisions, like owning a home, buying a car, saving or spending money, etc. Zip your lips. MIL doesn't need to know these things.


Second, it's very important you set firm boundaries with MIL. When your husband tells his mother to respect him as an adult its equally important he never backup on those words and cave in to her to get her to stop pesting you. For example, he says, "Mom, I'm an adult and my wife is the most important thing in the world to me." He then needs to make it clear he won't make any decisions about things - like where to spend holidays - without consulting you first. And he needs to stand by those decisions the two of you make. If he ever goes back and caves in, she'll be right back to control freak mode.


You can also delete or block her emails, screen her calls, and refuse to listen to negative comments by leaving the room or not staying on the phone. It may also be necessary for your husband to confront his mother one-on-one about her behavior and set some ground rules for interacting.


Basically it sounds like she needs to get a life of her own. She's sitting around waiting for you to give it to her in the form of grandchildren (and by the way, when you have kids, you'll probably find her sitting in your living room 6 days a week trying to parent them.) So you can see why it's important not to give in to her now.


Good luck and I hope you can always be at least 1.5 hours away from her. If she moves to town, she'll be living with you. ;-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 8:55am

Hi
Thanks for the advice. I must say I fully agree with you! I just wanted to mention that we havn't told my MIL that we are planning to have kids after our 3rd anniversary, I just mentioned it in the post. I don't tell her anything about money, I don't even like it when my husband tells her when I'm sick. We didn't even tell her that we were in the market to buy a house untill we put the offer in! I have blocked her from my MSN, but she still sends nasty email's to DH. It makes him upset, and he comes home and tells me about it. I guess it just bothers me that she feels free to tell him off when ever she wants.

We are trying to set firm boundries with her. And he will have to keep repeating himself, because she isn't getting it. This isn't the first time he has told her, and I'm sure it will not be the last time that he will tell her to treat us like adults. We're in the process of writing a letter to her, explaing things. It would be great if he could talk to her in person, but it ends up in a screaming match and she just tries to manipulate the situation. I've had the unfortunate experience of being present when he confronted her the first time. And FIL backs her up, saying "Would it be so bad to call her during the week." And DH just looked at him and said "Dad I email her, I talk to her on msn, and I call her during the week, what more do you want." FIL works away from home all week and comes home on the weekend. MIL expects to have DH around to pick up the slack the FIL is leaving by being away all the time.

Your advice has made me feel alot better about this. I feel DH and I are doing the right things by not backing down or giving into her desire to parent us/control us. We have been living our lives the way we want anyway. I just wanted some outside perspective on the situation, I was feeling crazy.

And yeah, she needs a life of her own. And FIL needs to be at home to share it with her.

Thanks again for the advice. It really has given me some more to work with. :)

Muphie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:55pm

Update Time again.

DH called me on his lunch hour to tell me his mom called him and emailed him at work wondering when he was going to stop being mad at her. This is how it read

"Thanks for indulging me yesterday with Santa. I know how old you are but you will always be my Baby. Tell XXXX thanks for doing that for me and Dad, it meant a lot to both of us. XXX you are a lucky person, just stop and think of it how many people can have 18 people around them that love them and it is all family and includes just two families. Most people don't have that much family living close enough to them to be able to enjoy them especially this time of year when family is so important, you guys are really lucky. It must be hard for N and A with M so far away and they cannot enjoy having all the children together. I am sure they understand but nothing can replace sharing this time of year with family. You know how we are and I know it was a bit over-whelming but it was fun. Thanks again and I hope you have good luck with your truck. Dad and I had the same problem and all we did was when we too it out of 4 wheel drive, if it did not come right out then we backed it up a little and it would disengage. Good Luck and let me know how you make out."

I know that it sounds sweet, and she probably had good intentions. But DH and I saw this as another attempt to guilt us into accepting her not cutting the apron strings. So DH replied to the email.He told her that he didn't indulge her with Santa. We were forced into the situation and didn't want to make a scene infront of the family. That we were both very embarassed. He told her that he would be 30 and his wife 27, and we have not been children for some time. He would appreciate it if she would treat us like adults. He has a house and a wife, and is an adult. He understands that they are his parents and appreciates everything that they have done for him as parents. But he doesn't need to be parented anymore. He also told them the truck was fixed. (and he didn't tell them what was wrong with it or how much we paid to fix it).

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:49pm

Muphie,


Ugh! I'd forgotten about your "Santa" incident. Good for your husband for

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:49am

Well it really hit the fan now :(
DH wrote MIL an email
"As far as indulging you with Santa the other day, we weren't indulging you, the only reason my wife and I went along with it cause we were put on the spot and cause we didn't want to create a scene in front of the actual children. In actuality, Amanda and myself were very embarrassed and insulted as you treated us like we were one of the kids that were there. I'm going to tell you that we are adults and expected to be treated as such. I am going to be 30 yrs old next year and my wife will be 27, we are not kids anymore, nor have been kids for a very long time. We would appreciate that you respect this and treat us like adults. I understand that I'm your only child, but I have grown up, I have a wife and a home, and I do appreciate everything that you have done for me as a parent, and I do realize that you will always be my parents, but you don't need to parent me anymore. We did get the truck fixed, a clamp in the hub needed replacing, that was the whole problem, everything is fine."

She wrote back
"Joe and Amanda, I apologize for what I did. Dad and I understand that we have different things that we find humour in. Don't worry it will not happen again but sweetie just remember how you treat other people sometimes comes back and bites you in the butt. We just wanted to have you laugh again as you seem to have lost it somewhere and just wanted you to get it back. Joe, as we all know life is too short to take it too seriously. December is a hard month for me so I just wanted to laugh and have a good time. I did not mean anything by it. Florence has done the same thing to her children and they just laughed it off. They are all married too. Again I apologize, take care and remember we love you and you can take the boy out of the country but you cannot take the country out of the boy. Never forget where you come from because where you come from has made you the man you are today one with morals and respect.
I have been up all night thinking about what you said in your e-mail. Again I am sorry, I did not realize that it would upset you guys that much, it was just in fun. I am sorry as I seem to everything wrong these days. The other day you asked me why I call you at work, you had started only calling me from work so I figured you wanted me to call there as when you guys get home, get something to eat and relax it is time to go to bed and get ready for the next day. I did not want to delay what you had to do as I realize, as I work myself, that the evenings are not very long and there never seems to be enough time to get done what you need to get done and if the phone keeps ringing then it only makes it later getting done what you need and then if this happens too often then by the end of the week you don't have all done and you are exhausted and have to do it on the weekend. After awhile it seems like you work 24/7 and it gets very frustrating. That is why I try not to interrupt you at home very much. Joe, the only peace I get is that we raised you properly and you do not talk to Amanda's parents the way you speak to us no matter how much they interrupt you or do things that may upset you. The one thing that we taught you was to respect others and to live by the golden rule and that is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So please reassure me that you do not speak to Alan and Nancy in any disrespectful way. This would upset me even more. You only live a couple of hours away but we only get to see you about every 3 or 4 months and we try to make the most of the time when we see you. I understand, as you have told me that I have to let you go and let you live your own life, and believe me, I am trying to do this and that is why I do not bother you very much by calling you in the evenings or continually asking you when you are coming for a visit and just take what you guys can give us. We do not want to put any extra pressure on you guys as you have alot on you plate now. Again, we apologize and please extend our apology to Amanda and believe me it will not happen again. Remember we love you no matter what you say to us or how upset you get with us. Maybe you guys can give us a schedule when it is a good time to call and when it is not, this would save alot of guess work and frustration on both parties."

I'm really not sure why she keeps bringing my parents into the situation, how his parents are treating us has nothing to do with my family. My parents don't disrupt our lives as much as she thinks, and I will admit that there have been occasions that I have spoken to them about things, but they don't go off the deep end over it. Joe deals with his family and I deal with mine. So there is no way that he would have ever spoken to them about any situation. I have never said anything to her, I've been there when he said something to her. Also we have seen them 10 out of 12 months this year, weather is be in our home or in their home. So it is a lie about the every 3-4 months visits. I also don't see how my DH was being disrespectful in the email he sent her,Was he? We also don't have "alot on our plates", and we don't take life that seriously. We aren't unhappy and don't have any problems with money or anything like that. So her saying that he lost his laugh is beyond us. We don't have an unhappy marriage, we have friends over all the time and have a blast being just us!!

DH and I are so lost as to what we have done wrong. We didn't try to disrespect them in anyway, we just asked for to be treated like adults. I feel like I'm to blame for all of this. I'm at work right now, and all I want to do is cry :( Am I crazy, is it all just me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:37pm

I doubt you and Joe have done *anything*, "wrong" or otherwise. She is a master at deflection and manipulation. Her email drips of it. Look at all the extraneous points she brings up. If you try to answer her "points", then you are drawn into a long, frustrating "discussion" that leads nowhere for you but gives her lots of entertainment.

My opinion is that Joe should thank her for "understanding", say he appreciates her willingness to treat the two of you as adults and he'll see her . Say he loves her and sign off.

Your parents are merely a subject she can use to manipulate the two of you into further "discussion" with her, so she can go on and on about how mean and cruel the two of you are, not appreciating her and her wonderful sense of humor. You uptight stiffs, you! Hmph!

Good luck, she sounds like a handful.

ilve2read

Pages