Unhappy Helliday

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Unhappy Helliday
12
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 5:11pm

Help! Need advice.

Background:
My IL’s called at the end of October and said they were coming for Thanksgiving, so we put in for time off at our jobs and prepared for their visit.

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, FIL calls and said that his boss changed his mind about his time off and said that he needed him to work, he was sorry but there was no way around it. So he calls me at work and cancels the holiday.

With no notice, my husband and I were unable to cancel our time off, so we were at home for 4 days with no guests and a bunch of food that we bought with anticipation of their visit. This hurt us deeply as FIL has a habit of doing disrespectful tings like this often.

Problem:
FIL calls me at work last night and tells me that his boss told him that he could have off the Wednesday of Christmas week (27th) through the 31st of December. He said that they decided that they were coming up, so clean the house and be prepared.

I tried to explain to him that because we asked off during Thanksgiving, that there is no way that we can be off during Christmas. Especially with a week and a half notice, that our bosses demanded any time off request during the holidays long ago, and now people were scheduled off. I also told him that it was not a good time because I have to work third shifts all Christmas week (midnight to 8 am) and since that is not my usual shift, I really do not want to deal with guests.

There have also been some issues with my husbands work, and he has been off the last 2 weeks, which has put us in a real money crunch, and we cannot afford what it will cost in extra food to entertain them for 4 long days, we are having trouble just keeping the lights on.

He acted like he didn’t hear what I had explained to him and told me that it would be okay, they could figure out how to entertain themselves and that when I came in the mornings, I could just go to bed and they would see me whenever time permits. This is a digging subject for me because we live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment (you can see the back wall of the apartment from the front door) and when they come visit, we are expected to give up our bed for them because our spare bed is really uncomfortable.

Since my schedule at work changing to 3rds will be hard enough, the last thing I want is to be kicked out of my bed, as it is hard enough for me to sleep anyway. We have 1 bathroom, no washer/dryer hookups and really not enough places for everyone to sit if we are all in the living room at the same time.

His dad tells us things like, oh sandwiches are fine, we don’t care, but then throws a fit when that is all we have. He says they can entertain themselves, but about half way into day 2, he will be yelling how bored he is and will tell my husband to wake me up and for all of us to go somewhere. Again, we do not have any extra money and when they come up they like us to treat them to lunch out and want/expect help with gas expenses while running around the town.

I told him flat out that this is not a good time, and asked him to find a more suitable time to visit, like when we can get off to visit and when our money situation is a little better. He got angry and said that it was now, because he wouldn’t get any more time off until June. I told him again that now was not a good time for us and that we simply couldn’t afford to have them up and he said that he would bring a loaf of bread and a pack of lunchmeat, so there situation solved.

I went home and told my husband about the conversation, and he hit the ceiling. He told me to tell his dad the next time he called that he was not happy about being stood up at Thanksgiving, and he could just wait until June and that if he didn’t like it, too bad. I told him that he would have to relay a message like that to his own father, and that I had already told him no and that it didn’t faze him.

How would/have any of you deal/dealt with this? Any advice would be really good as I am drawing up my battle plan right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 5:34pm
wow!!! Things like this make me thankful my ILs are so distant (except when it comes to religion). I think you handled it very well. However I don't know that you should have to handle it. It sounds like your dh is on the same page as you so why not let him deal with it. tell him to talk to him next time and don't even wait for them to call. Have your dh call and explain, maybe FIL will take it more seriously. Good Luck! michelle

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 7:02pm

Hi Alley,


Wow, you really have some insensitive people on your hands!


First, it's your husband's job to put his parents in their place, not yours. He's avoiding the situation by saying "tell them whatever the next time they call." HE needs to tell his parents they aren't welcome to visit.


Two, send a

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 11:57pm

Hi Alleycat007, welcome!

I think you handled your FIL pretty well on the phone. You told him it wasn't a good time and that you don't have the extra funds to entertain or feed them.

I agree that your DH needs to tell his father how he feels about being stood up on Thanksgiving. Why doesn't DH call his father and tell him that you and him are not able to have guests due to money and time constraints. DH should tell his father that they can wait to visit in June. His father will have to learn to like it. If not, and he insists on showing up anyway, I think it would be best to let him know that he needs to stay in a hotel. Also, DH could tell FIL that if he is insisting on visiting that he will need to say in a hotel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 5:40pm

Here is an update…

FIL and MIL called last night to ask how things were. New developments include that now my husband has been laid off until further notice (they’re projecting May) and since he hasn’t brought home a paycheck since the 1st of December, we were scheduled to have our electricity shut off today but luckily my mother sent me a birthday check that covered the bill by 10 cents.

Then they tell me that they have thought things over and despite all of the things that are going on, they are still coming up and we will just have to make the best of it. FIL said that since MIL is having surgery on January 16, she really wants to see DH before she has it done. I said that I understood that but if that is the case, they should not have stood us up at Thanksgiving. I understand that this may have made him angry, but things were so different a month ago.

He then says that if DH is laid off, then they will just take him home with them when they leave on Dec 30th and he can help his mom while she is recovering from surgery for 6-8 weeks, and they will bring him home sometime late February, middle March so then my expenses should decrease.

At this moment and against my better judgment, I TOTALLY LOST IT!

I told him that he could care for his own wife during her recovery just as she has cared for him all the times he has had surgery and his heart problems that required hospitalization, he owed her that much. I told him that DH was an adult and now married and has his own family to deal with and that I refuse to let him or anyone else try to encourage him to abandon me during our struggle. I told him that since things are so bad during this layoff that I was not about to let him waste 6-8 weeks doing something that FIL is completely capable of, and I was not going to let him use DH to bilk his responsibilities.

I then told him that if his job happens to call him back while he is gone and he can’t be there the next morning ready to work, he will be fired and that he could spend those 6-8 weeks looking for gainful employment. FIL told me that they will discuss it with DH when they get up here and it will be his decision to help them, not mine.

I want now more than ever to move and refuse them a forwarding address. (Basically just the urge to run away from this) After the hell that DH and I have been through the last 2 weeks and now this. I am so not ready for this, and I just want some peace. But I have made up my mind that if my DH chooses them over staying here and helping me face these problems, I am done and I hope that they all have a happy life together because I will not live my life with someone that will abandon ship if there is a leak.

Words of wisdom and encouragement would be so wonderful right now.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 6:13pm

How absolutely selfish and controlling they seem to be. I would discuss this with DH now. I would tell him that under no terms is he to abandon his own family, when FIL is capable of helping his own wife.

I am with you. This would be the deal breaker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:16pm

Wow, what a bad situation!

 

 

 

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:01am
Personally, I think you should call back and tell them they are not welcome in your home. Tell them that you already said that now wasn't a good time and they refuse to listen, and now they are trying to get your Dh to leave with them, even though you said not gonna happen. They don't deserve to see you since they are so disprespectful of you, your Dh and you marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:46am
It is time for your DH to step up to the plate here. You have already told your FIL not to come( and DH was in agreement) and he has completely dismissed you as having any authority in the situation. Your DH has to call them and set them straight. If he won't do that then the real problem is between you and him. He needs to be communicating directly with his own parents and he need to back you up. He may be laid off but he can still do temp work to help keep the bills paid. Under no circumstance should he bail out and go off with his parents when you need him there. Especially since FIL can take care of MIL himself. I don't remember if you said there were any siblings- is DH an only child? That could explain some of the IL attitude. Be strong- you are right in this situation. I can't imagine any parent (and yes I have grown children) inviting themselves over to stay at all much less when there is financial strain.Best of luck to you and many hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 11:13am
I think you're absolutely right. Your husband needs to handle this and persuade his father not to come. Sorry this is happening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:35pm

Lurking here.... I'd speak with DH again, let him hit the roof again and when he told me again to tell DFIL next time..... I'd pick up the phone, dial their number and hand it over to DH. It's his parents, let him tell them they can't come.

Happy holidays!!!!

Sallie

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