toxic parents
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| Wed, 12-13-2006 - 5:12pm |
i have come here hoping you can help. my boyfriend and i are very serious, but we are still pretty young and in college and therefore are still dependednt on our families financially. we both live at home and go to school full time. i am here hoping for some solution, though im sure there is no easy fix. the problem with the in-laws isn't really for me, but for my boyfriend...the way his parents are treating him is worrying me to the point that i think he is on the verge of some sort of break down.
here's the thing: a little over a year ago, his parents got divorced. his mom moved into an apartment and took all of his dad's savings in the settlement (i.e. my boyfriend's college fund). she proceeded to blow all the money on whatever she felt like, but thats not really the point. his dad is a really controlling man. controlling to the point of not thinking anyone else has more responsibilities than him. my boyfriend is currently working two jobs, full time, plus going to school full time. his dad will call and threaten to take away his truck (which my boyfriend is paying everything he can for, he just cant afford the insurance and his dad is holding that over his head) if he doesnt drop what he is doing (even if he is at work or going to class...it doesnt matter) and come pick up his clothes or take his sister to get her hair done or something like that. then his dad will say things like he is signing him out of his life in a month or he cant wait to get him out of his life and just horrible things. my boyfriend has tried to have a relationship with his dad. ive seen him get excited about a new CD he wanted to show his dad only to get yelled at and ridiculed for blowing his money. he asked his dad to help with tuition as a christmas present and his dad wanted to know why he didn't have that much saved. my boyfriend cannot win. he gets in trouble for working when his dad needs him and in trouble for not having enough money. so, thats his dad
his mom is the opposite. when i met her, i thought she was my age. she just remarried a man she had known for a couple of months, he is younger and in a band. my boyfriend has met this guy like three times, and now has a step dad and step sister. his mom now is completely involved in her new family, not understanding that it is hard and weird to suddenly have a family you dont know. she even had them take a holiday picture. my boyfriend has tried to just accept that his mom is happy until he realized that his "new" mom in her new life is allowing his 15 year old sister to go to parties with them and drink alcohol and is now smoking.
all of this is causing him a lot of stress, on top of all the work hours (over 40 hours a week) plus school. whenever he tries to talk to either one of them, they tell him that they are the parents and he has no right to question how they live their lives. he has been really moody lately and really wants to go see a psychiatrist. I think it would be a good idea. He saw a therapist, but it didn't really help him. he called his dad (who holds the insurance card) and his dad flipped out on him saying he just wanted to get on drugs because he's a screw up and wanted to be a drugged screw up. he asked his mom and she wanted to know why he didnt just talk to her.
i know this is really long and probably doesnt make a lot of sense. i am just worried about him. i dont think it is fair that his parents put so much on him. i am trying to be here for him, but i think im starting to sound like a broken record.

Hi Dram_queen828, welcome to the board!
I have to say I have the same question your bf's father has: why doesn't your bf have more $$$ saved? Is he paying for his own college? If his father keeps holding the car insurance over his head, why doesn't he get his own car insurance?
As for his mom and her "new" family, there isn't much anyone can do about that. Of course, your bf doesn't have to like it, either.
Hello. Has your BF checked into counseling services through his school? Some schools offer this. If he truly needs to speak to a counselor, then he should go ahead and see one, perhaps the doctor's office can call his father for the insurance info.
Now let's talk about you. You are a good girlfriend to listen to him venting. And it is good of you to feel like you want to be of some help. Don't forget, though, that his troubles are his troubles. They are for him to deal with. It is part of the natural struggle of learning to be a man, and if he gets too much help, it could hinder his learning and growth. This is just my opinion, but it seems like your best position will be one of sympathetic listener, and loving cheerleader. After you tell him that you understand how hard all of this is for him, don't forget to tell him how proud you are to see the way he is handling it like a man.
Don't be tempted to fix things. Just listen. Happy holidays.
My son is in his 2nd year, and he has saved alot of money for college, but it is so expensive. So my heart goes out to your boyfriend, because as a parent I can see why he is having so much financial troubles. For the insurance, did you realize that full coverage for a young man is about $2700 a year. How much more until his truck is paid off. can he sell that and get a less exspensive car until he is out of school. It would pay off in the long run. If he can get a cheap car and get liability only on it, would be about $500 a year. Have him sit down and look over his expenses and see where he can cut corners.
Also, what about Student loans to help him get through?
Good luck,
Lvindgoodlife