Desperate for advice on in law mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2003
Desperate for advice on in law mess
10
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 3:09pm

Hello ladies,

I am seeking advice about an in-law situation. Thanks for listening. :)

My husband is the middle child, and he has 5 siblings. The family is
horrendously dysfunctional. Some of them are alcoholics. There is
also a long history of child molestation in the family. One of my
husband's sisters was molested by a family member. MIL refused
to acknowledge that her own daughter was molested--even though this
same family member molested MIL when she was a child. MIL repeatedly
left her children alone with this molester-relative---even after
he had molested MIL as a child--for years.

It's a really messed up situation. The family members live in complete
denial--and everything revolves around pleasing the MIL. No one acknowledges
reality. Everyone just caters to MIL. MIL abandonded my husband when he was
a teenager. She moved to a foreign country "to find herself" when my DH was
only 10. My DH was raised by a cousin--his father had died a year prior to
his mother taking off to live overseas. Despite all of this, MIL gives huge
speeches to the family---about what a great mother she was and how she was
so sensitive to them--because she never spanked. She can talk for a half
hour at a time--about how hard she had it as a mother--and the entire family
just sits and listens.

This is Twilight Zone stuff, folks. And no one says a word...

Bottom line, I don't want to spend my holidays with these people. I love
my husband, but he loses himself when it comes to them. He doesn't see that
these people are incapable of love. I want to be free of them and to have
the holidays to ourselves. I cannot take the crazymaking anymore. The last
time we visited, MIL took my hand and said, "I'm so upset...my daughter Jenny
doesn't visit me hardly at all! It's just so upsetting. I've done everything
to please her..."Her daughter Jenny is the one was told "the molestation never happened". MIL allowed her daughter to heal alone--without an apology of
acknowledgement of the abuse--in a mental hospital.

I cannot deal with this anymore. My husband and I have three beautiful children.
I don't want them around this sickness and I want to move forward with our own
family and our own traditions--free from this mess.

My husband understands the deep dysfunction. However, he's struggling to break
away. I told my husband that I will visit his mother with him, but I really don't
want to spend the holidays with them, nor do I want my children to spend the holidays around this stuff.

I'm wondering if you think I'm wrong for wanting to spend the holidays with
just our family? I'm wondering if you think I'm over-reacting about wanting
to maintain distance from these people?

Thanks for any insight and opinions. Happy holidays everyone, and I hope
the time with your families and in-laws goes smoothly.

Glo

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:51pm
You are absolutely right to want to keep away from this crap, and protect your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 6:33pm

I can only tell you what I would do. Knowing what you know, I would never EVER take my children over there again, and I would never let her around my children unsupervised by me, because aparently DH is a wuss when it comes to her. She, in my not humble opinion, is even more evil than the child molester. She was molested too and sacrificed her own daughter on the alter of the sicko to appease him and gain his favor. You're right, it's sick. She can't be trusted to protect her own children, she won't be anywhere near mine.


So, if it were me, I would tell DH if he wanted to go because he wasn't strong enough to stand up for what is right that he can go all he wants, but me and the kids will not, because I have the guts to do what's right and protect my kids. And I wouldn't keep secret to any of the other family members why I wasn't going or allowing the kids to go. I wouldn't give a rats arse if they got upset or mad at me over it, evil people wanting to let evil people persist don't get a

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Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 7:34pm
I completely agree. MIL is a dangerous person for any child to be around, not to mention she abandoned her kids for her own selfish reasons. It would be a cold day in Hades before I would ever go over there especially with my kids. I think that you should just have your holidays at home from here on out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 8:57am
Go with you instincts!!! If you feel this is an unsafe, unhealthy environment for children, do whatever necessary to protect yours. MIL and other relatives can be angry, hurt, upset, whatever they want to feel -- your are not responsible for their feelings -- but you MUST do what YOU feel (know) is in the best interest of your children. Don't feel guilty for one second about doing just that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:12am

Thank you to everyone who responded to my initial post. I read each of your responses a couple of times. They were very helpful.

You re-solidified my position--that I'm done with this stuff. I've got friends telling me the exact same thing. I wanted to hear what "objective" people thought as well.

My husband understands that his family is horrendously messed up. He also understands that most of them are incapable of real love. However, it's hard for him--because he has so many abandonment issues--especially with his mother. There's a "little-boy" part of him that is still so hurt. Sometimes that part just takes over.

I'm completely committed to standing firm. I appreciate your words on standing strong--no matter what the reactions will be. Believe me--these people know how to gossip and instil guilt. It's like a sport for them. However--as all of you said---who gives a rip. These people have lived their lives in denial--stewing in a swamp of dysfunction--why would I care one iota about their opinion on anything.

Thank you----so much. I feel more at peace now. I'm not angry or upset about the family situation. I just know what I have to do--and I'm doing it. No apologies.

Happy Holidays to everyone, and thank you so much for replying and sharing your thoughts. You really made a difference!! :)

Glo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:41pm
Happy Holidays to you, too. I am a person who gives everyone way many chances and I tend to think that people can eventually learn to tolerate each other... but in your case I completely agree with protecting your children from this woman who claims the privileges of a parent, but has met very few of the responsibilities. If you ever get in the mood to seek out a book that might be of some help to your husband and his situation, I would like to suggest buying "Bad Childhood, Good Life." His past does not have to continue to soil his future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 12:57pm

In my opinion you most certainly are NOT wrong for wanting to GET THE HELL AWAY from those CRAZY people. ESPECIALLY since you HAVE children. You are being a good and cautious mother by keeping your kids out of this crazy family!!
The problems I have with my in-laws are far less serious and I still have no intetions of letting my children around them or spending my holidays with them.
You should not feel the least bit guilty.. If anything you're being too understanding.

hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 4:48pm
ummmm...are you wrong not to want to hang out with child molesting freak shows? do you really need to ask that question? what if someone asked you that question? is the answer not obvious--take control of your life and get away from those nut jobs--if your husband wants to go let him--you are in control of your happiness and those people are making you miserable
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 5:38pm
I have a MIL that denies alot of things. I can understand the whole situation. My Dh family is dysfunctional too. My MIL wants to take alot of credit that she is very undeserving of. It pisses my off too. I know how you feel. Our 2 yr old son only sees my husband's aunt and uncle ONCE a year and that it at christmas ( our son looks at them as if they're stupid when they talk to him...I think that is funny.) I completely understand how you feel. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 11:04am

Try to get your husband to look at it this way: Does he really want his own children around people who would knowingly allow a known child molester access to HIS children? Because you know MIL would allow it. Would your husband allow that? Make it all about HIS children. Because when he became a father, he became responsible for their safety.

No, I would not be around them, nor would I allow my children to be around them. If everyone got mad at me, so be it. But not me or my children. I'd make husband go alone if I had to. And, on that I'd put my foot down. I was molested as a child, and can not even begin to understand why anyone would knowingly set their children up for the same as she did.

Good luck and hope you have a happy holiday!

Sallie