Blow-up About Christmas
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| Sat, 12-16-2006 - 5:41pm |
We had a blow-up about Christmas, except it's not really about Christmas. It's about my DH and MIL. And of course, it's really about DH and his mother. I've never posted before, but I've lurked on and off for ages, and everyone seems to give good advice. I need to vent, please. We discussed several days ago, things seemed fine, we've been going out and getting stuff for the house. I thought everything was fine. Then he had to bring it up again, so I know it's bothering him and now I'm so hurt. I feel like he wants to create traditions with someone whose time has past, and I want us to create our traditions.
A little background. My DH spent most of his childhood in and out of foster care. When MIL got a new man, she basically threw away my DH. She'd lie to get him removed from the home. When several families wanted to adopt him, she'd say no and get him back for a month or so, and then throw him away again. When he was in his early teens, she had him arrested for something her husband was doing. Her parental rights were finally terminated. She never worked when she was younger (lived off men and welfare), so now in her 50s, she has to work. My DH has tried over the years to create some sort of relationship with her (in spite of his parents' best efforts, he is very kind and has a big heart and actually treats women pretty well, hasn't been to jail, doesn't do drugs, has a normal job). His father is also a terrible excuse for a parent, so he doesn't have good role models AND is desperate for any kind of relationship with this woman, because she birthed him. (And when she doesn't have a man around, then she suddenly has time for my DH.)
I've been with my DH for five years and watched as he's grown a lot, especially in setting boundaries. However, I don't know what to do or think about some stuff his mother has done in the last several years. Please tell me what you think and whether I'm overreacting. I'm pretty open-minded about stuff, and I think what you do as an adult with someone is your business, however, I do think that there is some stuff you wouldn't or shouldn't discuss with your children or parents. My MIL was a swinger for several years. Which, while not my thing, isn't my business so I wasn't going to pass judgement. However, she took my DH's sister (SIL1) to a club to meet people to have sex with later and thinks this is a great bonding experience with your child! (No, I don't think they actually slept with anyone, but the whole point of the evening is to scope out potential partners so the conversations and attire are, um, more than I would want to share with my mother.) She also told my DH all about how she's had fantasies for years, etc., way TMI in my opinion. This is not stuff you talk about with your children, even if they are adults! She also invited us over for a holiday a few years ago, and the other guests were her swinging buddies. The conversations got a little suggestive before we left (this was a religious holiday!)
A few other incidents that make me question her judgment: she married a man about 10 years ago who was already a convicted pedophile (and she knew) and her youngest daughter (my DH's half-sister, SIL2) was the age of his victims. Yup, she ended up molested by his "brother". Did I mention that when this man was convicted again while he and my MIL were married and she got divorced and had to sell her house, she told my DH that it was my DH's fault! Yup! She spun this whole story that her husband was gay and had the hots for my DH, so it was DH's fault they got divorced. I thought this story was hinky the first time I heard it. We found out the truth several years ago at a family gathering. Everyone in the family had known the truth all along! Beyond the whole pedophile thing, which is horrifying enough, is the fact that she made up this whole story that made it my DH's fault. She does this sort of thing on a smaller scale somewhat regularly. She also pretends to be dying and so on.
Sorry, for the length. There's more, but I think I've given enough background. My point is, I don't trust her judgment and she creates drama along with her daughter, SIL1. The two are thick as thieves, although my MIL complains about SIL1 constantly. My DH has finally refused to have anything to do with his sister.
My thoughts are that I'm not particularly comfortable around MIL, nor do I trust her judgment. I'm completely civil, friendly, and polite, but I don't trust her or her judgment.
Here's what DH and I just fought about. He wanted his mother and his half-sister (who lives in a home) to come for three days at Christmas. To me, that's too long of a visit. For one thing, they only live a half an hour away so it's not as if they have to travel and so on. Fo another, I have no idea what to do to entertain them for three days. I also have to work the day after Christmas, so I really only have part of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off (I'm a freelancer so I work six and a half days a week, and long hours), so I really was looking forward to relaxing and starting our own Christmas traditions--watching movies we want to watch and eating what we want. His mother had already demanded what she wanted, and we don't have the same taste in anything. In addition, his sister (SIL2) has to be entertained, and I know my DH would not be the one doing it. It would be me. Frankly, I wasn't looking forward to what would be work. I just wanted to enjoy the holiday, and the thought of sitting across from this woman and pretending to be a family makes me feel ill. I had asked if maybe they couldn't just come over in the afternoon and stay for dinner in the evening. You know, maybe half the day, and we could have the morning to ourselves to open our presents and relax.
I should point out that my DH has said he's forgiven what his mother has done to him, but won't forget. Which means that he won't allow his half-sister (SIL2) to stay overnight unless his mother is here. Did I also mention that when we saw her two days after Christmas last year, she made a big deal of kissing her boyfriend's teenage children (whom she'd known for about two months) on the mouth and being very "maternal" and was very awkward and cruel to my DH?
When I asked my DH several days ago what the plan was (my family lives far away so I can't see them). I asked how he planned on entertaining his sister for three days and since his mother insisted SIL2 had to come Christmas Eve by herself (which my DH wouldn't do), what was the compromise? Yes, at this point, I had agreed to three days, the coming over on Christmas Eve was a bit of stalemate. Yes, I asked calmly, he became very angry and called his mother and said she couldn't come at all. She immediately (or had already) made plans to take his half-sister and herself to SIL1, whom my DH doesn't speak to. So he's mad at me, basically telling me I've ruined Christmas. Meanwhile, I'm trying to plan a great menu, I've decorated the house, and bought some stuff.
I guess it comes down to he wants to have some sort of phony wonderful family Christmas with lots of people where everyone's warm and fuzzy and I'm the B**** who's ruining everything. Is it so awful not to want to have guests for three days whom you have to entertain and be completely polite all the time? I would love to tell my MIL what I really think of her (I'm so angry at how she treats her son and her behavior), but I know that's not my place.
How do I deal with my DH's insistence on maintaining a relationship with someone who's judgment I question? I'm terrified to have children, because I don't trust her around them and I'm afraid my DH will be mad about me if I say I don't want her around them.
Quite frankly, I don't want a relationship with this woman, but my DH does, and that's the real problem, I guess. He even complains how my mother is more attentive to him than his own mother is, yet wants this fake phony Christmas, which wouldn't have worked out anyway. He would have gotten angry about something, they would have had a big blow-up, and everything would have been ruined anyway. I feel like by airing stuff now, I can try to salvage Christmas.
Basically, he's making me feel that Christmas with me and our dog isn't good enough. And it hurts. I'm the only one who's supported him in all his decisions and told him how great he is and been there for him, and acted like family, but he acts like that isn't good enough. Did I mention she's never told she's proud of him or anything and ignored his birthday for years? (She'll act like she's proud of him when she can show him off to her girlfriends, because he's quite good-looking.)
Sorry this is so long. I've waited a long time to vent about this. I try to discuss this calmly with my DH, but then he says something cruel as though I'm not his family and I lose it, and start yelling. Not productive, I know. I haven't actually told him how inappropriate I think his mother's discussion of her sex life with him is, although he and I have discussed other things. (We only found out about the sex club visit with sister, although it happened two years ago, several weeks ago. But this is a good example that crystalizes all the worries I have.)
I know this is so confused. I guess my questions are, how do I salvage Christmas and how do I discuss in general that I'm not too keen on doing too much with her? It's not like they do a lot together because they don't. In his entire life (he's 32), he's been to the movies with his mother once and never even gone out to dinner except when we all went for Mother's Day. They talk on the phone (she calls up with drama), and he visits her in her apartment, where they drink coffee and complain about his father, whom she cheated on and left 30 years ago. But every time the holidays roll around, I know this will be an issue.
What have we done in years past? Gone to visit other relatives (his and mine). We're just starting to settle into our house, so I know DH wants to do family stuff at our house, which I would love to do, too, if the family weren't so chaotic.
Thank you so much for reading.

I feel for you. I would also be very cautious about being around this woman. Any woman who would intentionally allow their own child to be molested as she did has a special place in h..... Does your DH really think that she has honestly changed? Does he not understand how easy it would be for her and SIL2 to concoct some story that SIL2 was abused by him while mom slept? Oh, how easy that would be. What would be keeping her from doing it? Nothing. Not to get you even more worried, but she sounds crazy enough to do that. You say you can't go visit your family, but is there any way you can? I almost think I'd rather be away from the situation for Christmas, even if I had to spend it alone. If she'll lie on your DH, her own child, she'd most definitely lie on you, too. I am no prude and I can understand a lot of things, but setting your children up like she did, I'll never feel understanding about. I would also be hesitant to have children with this man, if he's so willing to put his wonderful mother's wishes before your own. Will mommy's wishes of time alone with your children and her new bf be more important to your DH or will he be looking out for their safety first?
Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Hope things work out for you. DH needs to do a little more growing up, and cut those nasty old apron strings as a Christmas gift to you.
Good luck!!!!
Sallie
If he is finally able to understand the implications of what his mother did, and how monstrous she is.. I doubt he will want to have a fantasy christmas with her.. You might want to consider marriage counselling as well.
Your husband is carrying HUGE baggage.. I would expect things to blow up sooner or later and you guys should be prepared for it.
Thank you both so very, very much for your responses. I appreciate your insight and thoughts. You've really given me the strength to confront this and deal with it, for my own sake. Just having my feelings and thoughts validated has really lifted a weight, and helped me so very much.
Thank you.