Need Advice ASAP

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Need Advice ASAP
6
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 5:14pm

Here is some background....
BF and I have been dating for almost a year. He has a 10YOD and I have a 4 YOD. They love each other very much. My DD has no father(in her life anyway) and his DD lives with his mother and father. He and ex were 17 when she was born...long story but you get the picture. I am not happy about the arrangment but have been dealing with it.

We are coming up on our first Christmas together and I was so excited but I think it all just fell apart.
The week before Thanksgiving I brought up the Christmas schedule to his mom and she seemed OK with it. Ex gets 10YO Christmas eve, we go to his mom and dad Christmas day in the morning or early afternoon about noon and then to my dad's(my parents are divorced) that afternoon. She said OK.
Discussion came up again today and all hell has broken loose. MIL is saying we should have brought it up earlier. HELLO!! I did!!!!!
Ex doesn't want to bring 10YO back to MIL until 3
I can't do that I will have to be at my families by then. His mom does not want to give up her time at Christmas. If no one wants to bend I have to choose b/w my first Christmas with bf or my family. I don't want to do that. Mind you we all live 15 mins from each other so if everyone bends an hour or so in each direction it will work out.

BIG problem is he just said when my mom talks that is the bible she is the boss. I am like OMG. I don't want to be like that.
I think I have to tell him I am not going to live like that. I want to be able to make decisions for myself and family. She is VERY controlling. She means well but.....

We are going to dinner tonight to talk about Christmas but I think I have to tell him that if he is not going to stand up to his mom I don't want to be with him.

HELP!!!!

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 5:25pm
Red flags are flying when a man says his mother is the boss. You have time to run. I would.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 5:32pm

I agree and disagree.
We just talked a little more and he clarified it to me when it comes to his daughter. She is the one who is raising her and that he made mistakes that he has to take the time to make right.

I have no idea how to feel about any of this.

We are going to dinner tonight to talk.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 6:02pm

Look, you are the one who has to decide. I was not telling you to leave him. But, if his own mother is in charge of HIS child and is already exerting her "authority", I think you are going to have problems.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 10:52pm
Listen, are you and your bf still not "locked" in to a marriage commitment? If not. I would take this opportunity to re-evaluate your situation. If there is going to be a marriage and joining of families than you need to spend time with bf doing that. That means that you and he have his dd all the time that is allotted to him and using that time in making her feel comfortable about her new family. That also means that she gets equal play in everything from bridesmais dresses to what presents she gets for Christmas and b-days. Tell you bf that the longer he takes in asserting his parental role than the longer it will take his parents to disengage their parental authority on his child. I thin it would be rather confusing for both of your children to be under a different set of rules, don't you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 9:24am

Thanks for all of your advice. It is much appreciated. I love this man, I think everyone on here understands that the in laws should not be the sole reason to leave.
We had a long talk about it all last night and he told me a lot of things I didn't know and his mom promises to start letting go a little and giving him more of a say so. Also, I think a 10 YO should have a little say so in her own life. The plan is to have her come live with him as soon as she is ready.

Thanks everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:15am
The inlaws are NEVER a sole reason to leave. Connected to those inlaws is a husband who cannot stand on his on two feet or speak up against his parents in support of himself and/or his wife and children.
Am I correct from you original post to assume that you DH is at least 27 years old and now his mother is going to "start letting go and giving him more of a say so"? I would think he is old enough and should be mature enough to tell his mother exactly what he is going to do and then follow through.
I wish you all the best but I think you have a long, hard road ahead of you if this MIL has been making all the decisions for both her son and her granddaughter for the past 10 years. She is definitely in the mode of parenting two children.