FUTURE MIL THINKS SHE IS SICK!!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:42am |
I AM NEW HERE. WELL, HERE GOES....I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND AWFUL (PLEASE DON'T THINK I AM EVIL) BUT MY FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW THINKS SHE IS SICK ALL THE TIME. SHE IS IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW WITH A "MIGRAINE." EVER SINCE MY FUTURE HUSBAND AND I HAVE STARTED DATING ALL I HAVE EVER HEARD ABOUT IS HOW SICK SHE IS AND HAS BEEN. THE WOMAN IS 46 YRS OLD. SHE DOESN'T WORK (DRAWS SOCIAL SECURITY/DISABILITY, OF COURSE, LIKE OVER HALF OF THE YOUNG PEOPLE IN OUR RURAL COMMUNITY)AND CLAIMS TO HAVE ALL SORTS OF AILMENTS RANGING FROM CARPAL TUNNEL TO FIBROMYALGIA, BACK PAIN, KNEE PAIN, TARSAL TUNNEL(SAME AS CARPAL TUNNEL BUT WITH THE FEET AND ANKLES)KNEE PAIN (HAS HAD TOTAL KNEE REPLACEMENTS)THE MIGRAINES (CONSTATNLY)NEUROPATHY (NERVE PAIN) BACK PAIN ( A WHOLE HOST OF DIFFERENT BACK SURGERIES) A TOTAL HYSTERECTOMY. HAS HAD HER GALLBLADDRE TAKEN OUT, IS "LACTOSE-INTOLERANT" --(EXCEPT WHEN SHE WANTS ICE CREAM!) HAS A WHOLE RANGE OF "FOOD ALLERGIES"--SO NOW WHEN I COOK FOR EVERYONE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY FAVORITE INGREDIENT FOR ABOUT EVERYTHING--ONIONS. AND THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING. THIS IS NOT EVEN BREAKING THE ICEBERG OF THINGS I HAV HEARD IN THE LAST 2 YRS.
NOW, BEFORE YOU ALL ATACK ME AND THINK I AM UN-SYMPATHETIC TO PEOPLE WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS. I AM NOT-PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT. I HAVE FAMILY WITH ACTUAL PROBLEMS AND CAN IDNETIFY WITH THAT. I ALSO WORK IN A RURAL HEALTH CLINC THAT EMPLOYS 10 DOCTORS, SO I HAVE SEEN AND HEARD EVERYTHING. THE THING THAT GETS ME WITH THIS WOMAN IS THAT IT SEEM SOT BE VERY CONVIENIENT TIMES TO BE "SICK." LIKE ON MOHTERS DAY WE HAD A THING PLANNED AND SHE CANCELLED AT THE LAST MINUTE WITH A MIGRAINE. IT WOULD HAD BEEN DIFFERENT HAD WE NOT DRIVEN FOR 1 1/2 HRS TO MEET THEM. MY FIANCEE AND I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE TOGETHER IN AUGUST AND HIS DAD WAS COMING DOEWN TO HELP US MOVE AND DO SOME THINGS (SMALL IMPROVEMENTS SUCH AS RUNNING SOME EXTRA PHONE LINES) AND SHE COULDN'T COME ALL OF THE SUDDEN. AND NOW IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A MIGRAINE 5 DAYS BEFORE X-MAS---ONE DAY AFTER HAVING A "TUMBLE DOWN THE STAIRS" AT HOME. WE HAVE BEEN OUT TOGETHER. WE HAVE ALL WENT OUT OF STATE ON VACATION AND SHE SHOPPED ALL DAY LONG WITH NO PROBLEM. WE WENT WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING ALL DAY LONG TO LIKE 6 DIFFERENT PPLACES WITH NOT A PROBLEM.--BUT SHE IS NOT ABLE TO LIFT A FINGER TO FOLD LAUNDRY AT HOME......SHE IS UNDER "STRICT ORDERS" TO NOT LIFET A FINGER AT HOME, TO NOT DRIVE, ETC.... SO SHE GETS TO SITA LL DAY LONG SHOPPING ON QVC AND DRAWING HER SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK TO PAY FOR HER FUN.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS AWFUL BUT I WORK IN A RURAL HEALTH CLINIC--I SEE THIS EVERYDAY. YOUNG PROPLE DRAWING OUR TAX DOLLARS (DISABILITY/SOCIAL SECURITY) TO SIT AT HOME AND DO NOTHING BUT ABUSE THE SYSTEM. ITS THE SAME ONES AT THE DR'S OFFICE 3 TIMES A WEEK (LIERALLY) FOR A FEW PILLS. IT IS JUST A GAME FOR THEM. ASK ANY OF THE DRS I WORK FOR AND ITS THE SAME--THEY ARE SICK BUT IT IS A SICKNESS IN THE HEAD. IT SI PSYCHO-SEMATIC (DID I SPELL THAT RIGHT?) IT IS IN ONES HEAD. I KNOW SHE STAYS DEPRESSED AND WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD--BUT SO WAS I!! THAT IS SOMETHING WE HAVE IN COMMON! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF THIS. SHE TALKS TO MY FIANCEE AND KEEPS HIM SO TORE UP OVER ALL THIS CRAP AND IT IS STARTING TO HURT OUR RELATIONSHIP B/C OF THE STRESS. IT IS LIKE EVERYTIME A HOLIDAY OR SPECIAL EVENT ROLLS AROUND SHE IS "SICK." I WILL JUST DIE IF SHE TRIES TO PULL THIS CRAP ON THE WEEK OF MY WEDDING IN A FEW MONTHS. AND GOD-FORBID A BABY--ALL THAT ATTENTION ON ME AND EVERYONE ASKING ME HOW I AM FEELING--SHE WILL LOSE HER MIND!
SORRY I COULDN'T GIVE YOU THE WHOLE STORY (WOULD TAKE TOO LONG) BUT I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME OUTSIDE ADVICE OR INSIGHT??? (AND FOR THE RECORD MY FIANCEE IS THE ONLY CHILD SHE HAS--IT IS JUST HER HUSBAND AND HER SON THAT SHE IS USED TO HAVING ALL THE ATTENTION AND AFFECTION AND I THINK SHE IS HAVING TROUBLE "SHARING")
THANK YOU ALL!


Pages
Your MIL isn't faking she is mentally ill. I bet your fiance can remember her being this way his entire life. I think you should NOT marry your fiance until you have really sat and talked with him and decided as a couple what you will and will not be tollerating from her. Do not do not do not volunteer to marry into this family, and then complain and nag to your husband for the rest of his life that his mother is this way. You can't want a furry pet, go get an aligator, and then get upset that it isn't curling up and purring in your lap, KWIM?
I suggest you get him the book Bad Childhood, Good Life and ask him to read it. Do not marry him unless he is of the mentality that YOU his wife becomes his first and foremost family, and that his mommy and dad become outsiders who take a backseat to you and any children that may or maynot come along.
Edited to Add: Being new here you probably don't know, but it is very difficult to read when the whole post is in cap-lock. It implies stressing the word or shouting, and is considered bad form.
Edited 12/20/2006 12:15 pm ET by dansfoxywife
Unfortunately you are right and you are going crazy from how this all feels. I've been there and am there now. It will affect your marriage. As long as your fiancee/husband keeps her in the picture she will always be there and it will get worse. I have been dealing with this issue for 13 years. I have become worse of a person because of it. I am giving and sincere, caring and loving, but I am mean and cold and angry around her and him...especially him when I see the same behavior from him.
It will affect your kids, your friendships (they won't want to hear about it anymore), and above all your marriage. The good thing is if you really care about your future you need to attend counseling before and get a good plan in place before marriage and before kids.
Please heed this advice. Love can take only so much stress. Remember that you will have this issue along with kids, sickness of your own family, job stressors, financial stressors, other family issues...this one with your MIL (especially since it's her only kid - she'll hang on tight especially if she's alone with little or no friends/spouse or hobbies or work).
The biggest factor will be is the actual relationship between him and his mom. If he's super tight then you will always come last. If he's resentful of her he'll become resentful of you. ... If the relationship were healthy between him and his mom she wouldn't cling so tight.
I would never put you down or anyone down and I only hope for your happiness and a stable and successful relationship. I am personally envious that you have this chance to make good decisions before you look back on the past and shake your head as I am doing now.
To a great New Year...2007 hugs...
-M
I could have wrote your post as my MIL is the exact same way. It's gotten to be a joke between dh and me - "what illness will MIL have to get out of this holiday or this event?" She gets quite creative, too.
Through the years, I have fought with her, tried to make her feel bad, come right out and told her what a liar she was and finally after 17 years of marriage, I have just accepted it and learned to use a lot of humor. Last week we invited her and dh's family over for a Sundya brunch and then on to DD Christmas Play. I knew when I invited her she would'nt be coming. Saturday afternoon she came in on the caller ID. I could have set my clock to her timing. I let the machine take it and in her little feeble voice she gave her command performance that she had fallen off a ladder and broke her ribs. Of course by the end of her message her voice was much better because she forgets that she is supposed to have broken ribs and goes on to other stuff. She did manage to come by that Sunday with flowers for dd and a few tears on how much she wished she could "sit through the thing".
DH is very respectful to her and I wouldn't have him any other way, but he knows and we just humor her. Sometimes he likes to keep having her explain the illness to him until he trips her up in the lie, I tell him not to do that but he says it keeps him sane during the marathon phone calls. You're not going to change her. As long as you and your DH are on the same page and you expect her never to show up at anything, I think that's all you can do. Invite her, if she's shows- great, if not, don't worry about it. - I'm surprised you still have IL's in the family that take her seriously.
I can remember telling her just what you wrote, I said- "you are sick when it's convenient for you to be sick" I proceeded to tell her how much my kids loved her because I constantly build her up in their eyes but before long, they will learn for themselves and just ignore her like the rest of her grandkids do.
Hi
My mom is the same way that your MIL is, and we too find the humor in it. My sister, brother, my DH, my sisters DH and my father all just humor her in her never ending illness. It can be very frustrating, and I know that the first 3 years of my mother being sick (which coincided with me leaving for university and my sister moving to Calgary) we were all frustrated and angry. At one point my sister stopped talking to her. Well in total we have been dealing with it for 6 years. Over time we all managed to deal with the situation, it even comes down to some secret phone calling to my dad to see how she is doing. And if she is in one of her sick moods, we don't go over.(I moved home and got married after university) We expect her to cancel on things, and complain. So we invite her, but we alway understand if she cancels or leaves early. We also got her a mini poodle to keep her company when she is home alone all day or when dad has to work at night. This some how changed part of her focus, and she baby's the dog to death. And when she can't handle having him around we (me and DH) take him so he can play with our mini poodle.
I guess it becomes a much better situation if you don't let it eat at you and if you can just laugh it off. I agree with the other poster, that said you and your fiance need to be on the same page. You have to come up with a way to deal with her constantly being ill and her desire for attention.
Thank you to the ones who have posted replies so far. The biggest problem with talking to my fiancee about all of this is b/c he takes up for her. she has got him and her husband so convinced that she is this ailing old woman that they can't see past her crap.--Whereas I can b/c I have worked for doctors since I was 19 yrs old, (I am 25 now, my fiancee is 26. we will be 26 and 26 when we marry) She has go the wool pulled over his eyes. --I don't blame him , that is his mother and he loves her. he is a great man--very loving and caring. He is a high school teacher and a football coach as well. There is nothing about him that makes me think for a second I wouldn't want to be with him, but this woman is killing me. I should be excited about starting our life together and our new house and having babies, and here all I seem to think about is, when is she going to have her next "flare-up?" The three of them are so close (naturally--I am not saying they shouldn't be. I understand he is her only child) I tried talking a little bit last night to him about the possibility of some of her problems stemming from the childhood abuse and her in-going depression--the possibility of those things making her feel "down" and therefore feeling "sick."--he just totally dismisses it. He says that all his life he has heard people say things like your mom is crazy and she is just a hypochondriac and things of that nature. He says that he has grew up with it and she really is sick and he has seen her get sick. Whatever. I just don't know what to do anymore??? I love this man dearly and he is very good to me. It's not like he is running up to see her in the hospital everytime she decides to be sick or anything.--So I think he knows, somewhere deep in his mind, that some of it is just a facade. they live an hour and a half away, so it is not really as bad as it could be I guess. I get along with this woman--I don't call her on any of this silliness. I just try to keep the peace. But I get soooo tired of hearing all the "stories" of what hurts and what they are going to do surgery on next, what dr she is scheduled to go to next, etc... This is what I do all day long at work. --Listen to hypochondriacs (most of them anyway-not all) go on and on about all this same stuff. All of them drawing disability but strolling into the dr office better than me! i just get tired of talking to her about it all.--But I guess it's like one poster said, if that is what your life consists of and you don't have any other kids, grandkids, job, hobbies, etc., then that is all her conversations are ever going to consist of. But I for one am sick of it all. I work 9 hrs a day in a very busy, very stressful clinic and the two precious days at the end of the week that I get to be out of that place are valuable to me....I don't want to spend them talking about the things I talk about and deal with monday--friday.
I don't know what I am going to do about all of this....I love my fiancee dearly and he has helped me so much in my life. I want to and am going to be with this man. i guess I just have to find some way to deal and tolerate this pain in the neck.
And just for the record--the woman smokes 2 packs of ciggs a day, eats sweets all day long, and sleeps until noon and then lays in the bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. If one were as sick as she claims then you would think they would try to do as much as they possibly could to help themselves be healthy. Quit smoking, move around and get a little exercise, and get a set sleeping pattern. Heck, I am young and staying up until 1 am and not getting up until noon the next day about kills me. (I harldy ever do that though--maybe after a holiday party or something) SOrry I had to vent a little bit more.
I suggested that my fiancee and I get some pre-marital counseling. he was a bit hesitatnt at first but then agreed to go if I could find someone. (we live in a tiny, rural town.) Maybe a preacher?? We'll see and I will keep you all posted. Thanks so much for taking the time to read a very long story and I value your opinions. Thanks again.
Hi Shygirlky, welcome!
Are you really sure that you want to marry him with all that goes on with his mother and how he defends her? If she is like this now and you are having a hard time with her now, it will be 10 times worse after you are married. I'm not trying to be negative, but realistic. If you are willing to accept her being sick all the time (feigned or real) and all that goes along with it, such as your fiance sticking up for her, then I say have a happy life together. If not, and you aren't sure about all of that, then you may want to reconsider your life with this man. Or at the very least, put things on hold until you and he can come to an understanding as to how you will deal with his mother and her feigned or real illness.
What I am going to say, you aren't going to like. She is not going to change. It's been going on way too long for any hope of her snapping out of
I am going to be the devil's advocate here. If your mil is truly sick i feel sorry for her. It stinks to be told you are crazy/it's in your head/you are mentally ill when you are truly sick.
www.butyoudontlooksick.com
To be told you are nuts until the right specialist who finds the true cause and true illness really bites.
I have quite a few of the things you MIL has or says she has and much more. If you didn't see my cane just by looking at me you would have NO idea just how sick I am. No matter how long you have worked for drs or been one. (I was premed myself once and learned quite a bit about don't judge a book by the cover)
First I want to give you some advice as an extremely ill will be MIL in another year or so. If you are already this resentful and upset, you should really rethink marrying into this family. My son is my oldest and therefore not an only. I would never impose or ask anything other than they understand when I have to cancel -sometimes at the last minute.
What you are looking at is being married to an only. There is going to be much expectations of the only down the road. It sounds like there already is quite a bit.
You have an opportunity to get away from that now before you get sucked in.
IF you decide to go ahead and marry your df, you will have to have some coping mechanisms.
Hand the phone to your dh, you just don't have time to listen. That floor needs mopping you know!
If she starts in while you are there, get up and leave. Detach detach detach.
If she is in the hospital for a migraine it could be from dehyrdation from the way you describe she eats.
It also sounds like you have some burnout going on with your workplace. Maybe its time for a change of office and scenery for you? Something you REALLY love. And if you think your MIL and the people in your clinic are committing fraud, then call the number to report them.
I am not on disability ( dh makes too much but I qualify) and I sleep til 10 often. I don't get a lot of exercise because while its good for one thing it makes something else i have worse.
Now let me ask you, on the day after MIL bridal shopped with you how was she?
I ask because true fibro patients, we may be able to play with our kids one day and you think "they have been faking it!" But that may be our one good day or few hours and we pay for it later. Sometimes I can go with all the things I have for 1/2 to 3/4 of the day.
I am not saying that your mil isn't the fraud you think she is. I am just showing you how things can be. If your dh grew up hearing this, and he is convinced she isn't you are going to have a neverending battle. Is it going to be worth your mental health and his?
I don't get sick every holiday but I have gotten sick on one or two. I was really disappointed too.
I can tell you why some of us hang around the computer more than other people too if you are interested.
My son and his fiance know that there are times I may not be able to make it through no fault of my own. Perhaps if you just start looking at it as she may be here she may not that would help. Just assume she won't be there for whatever reason. If she makes it she makes it. If she doesn't then you are not disappointed or upset because you weren't really expecting it. Kwim?
That said I think what she is doing to your fiance is horrid. I would never do that to my son. He doesn't need to know all of what is going on. He has his own life and soon to be family. That is where his thoughts need to be as well as your fdh on him and you.
I am also an incest survivor. I am pretty sick, but I still manage to homeschool my kids and take care of the house. Yes there are days I can't but I do what I can. So the " I was abused" doesn't wash with me either.
And maybe it would be a good thing for you if she didn't make the wedding if you don't flee like Tokyo running from Godzilla?
If she isn't there then she can't take attention away from the bride.
Also you have a bit of a FDH problem. He needs to detach too for his mental health as well. Only he can do that though.
Good luck with whatever route you decide to take.
Are there any mental health professionals in your community? If she had a professional "listener", she may need to be heard less by family members. Actually, if the whole family gets a little counseling, they might be better able to truly support her while learning ways to deal with their own feelings and resentments. If there are no mental health providers, she might find on-line support groups helpful. Perhaps at yahoogroups.com or the official website for one or more of her diagnoses.
I do agree with other posters that if you marry this young man you will have to accept his mother too.
There are limits that can be set while still being supportive. One is that you pass off the 'phone, of course, or don't answer if DF is not there (assuming caller id - or use answering machine to screen calls)
another is to tell her (DF if you are not willing/able to offer her support) that she is loved and appreciated, he does understand about her health issues and for his own health he will listen to her say anything at all about her problems for then they need to discuss other things. That way she is heard, but doesn't get to monopolize the conversation.
And another is to set aside certain times for you and DF to be "Just you two" and no phone calls or visitors are allowed to interrupt. If there is a *true* emergency (not just "we need you really bad") there can be a preset way to get through.
So, ask yourself if marriage into this family is worth it to you. And if it isn't, find a way to break it off without blaming or accusing. It's not that they are *wrong*, it's that they are wrong for *you*.
I do hope that at least some of my suggestions are helpful to you.
Good luck!
ilve2read
Pages