In-laws think I don't welcome them

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
In-laws think I don't welcome them
23
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:38pm

I'm double posting tonight...two things happening around one event.
The one here...

My husband and in-laws think I don't want them to stay at our house Christmas Eve b/c I was shocked when I found out they were (hubby didn't tell me) and I had invited my parents b/c we aren't doing Christmas w/ them this year (we alternate years) and I wanted them to experience Santa with the kids.

Well, according to my husband - who is INCREDIBLY angry with me and it may end my marriage - my in-laws, esp. my FIL are so angry (and he never gets mad). And I've effectively been uninvited to Christmas w/ his family. I want to call his parents and explain the miscommunciation that happened on a grand scale - specifically that my husband didn't tell them what we'd come up with for sleeping arrangements like I thought he was going to and therefore they just said forget it. Husband says don't call that nothing I say is going to change their minds...but I just have a hard time letting this go. I love his parents - while I have issues with MIL - and they are the best grandparents, but I feel like I'm being thrown under the bus.

Any advice? Should I let it go? If not, what do I say? I have to say that I'M HURT that no one is giving me the benefit of the doubt after knowing me for 12 years.


Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:48pm
You are right, they should give you the "benefit of doubt" after 12 years and your DH should be ashamed of himself for allowing this to get out of proportion. The holidays can get so complicated. We used to have both my parents and my MIL together at our home each year for Christmas. My parents were always open to including my MIL in even events hosted in their own home so that she would not be alone at any holiday, but MIL would refuse to cooperate. Now that our children are older, we just use Christmas week to vacation. That has solved a multitude of problems.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:27am

I have been married for 15 yrs and just experienced some crap from a couple of SILs. I was accused of something I would never do. I know how you feel. You would think that after so many years, they would "know" you. Perhaps they were just looking for something to be "hurt" over.

Personally, if my husband would end our long marriage because of miscommunication like that, which is partially HIS own fault, I would think that there were more serious problems than his parents acting like 2 yr olds.

If you are uninvited, then your children are too, as far as I would be concerned. IF they are so immature that they want to jump to conclusions and not hear you out, like ADULTS, then let them stew in their own juices. Your husband should not attend either. In fact, if it were me, and I was not welcome for Christmas, and my husband went anyway, I would be the one considering that kind of betrayal a deal breaker.

So, you and your children enjoy Christmas and let the immature brats throw their little temper tantrums.

Your husband needs to fix this. Pronto.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:47am
Thanks for the input...unfortunately this is going to be on me to fix b/c husband is completely on their side. I'm calling this AM...as early as possible b/c I'm exhausted from no sleep over this. And if my kids don't go to Christmas--and I see your point--then that would be a deal breaker the other way too. I'm hoping cooler heads prevail today.

Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 9:07am

Well, here's the update from the phone call to the in-laws. MIL answers and to sum it up, says I have denied them the opp. to open gifts w/ their grandkids (even though we'd see them at the family event), have ruined the tradition (last year was the 1st year they stayed w/ us b/c we wouldn't see them on the 25th) and that she didn't want to talk w/ me b/c she was afraid she'd say something that would be irrepairable, but that this "stunt" and my disregard for that side of the family is obvious and she wasn't going to stress out my husband. Then she told me she was hanging up and did. There is history here, but this is over the top. I have always wanted to and done things w/ that side of the family...but my husband is an only child and I think it just really makes them feel they need to always be with us. And I've NEVER said NO! I'm between outrage, anger and tears.

I asked husband to talk with them...pleaded really. But like I said, he's taking their side so I have no idea what's going to happen. Totally not the reaction I was expecting this AM, even though she is just like my husband. I still thought we could talk like adults. I don't see resolution to this is 2 days. I don't even know what to do now...to top it off they watch our kids every Wed. Guess that's not happening?


Melissa
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 9:25am

I still think that this is a DH issue, more than an IL issue. Something does not seem "right" here.

Leave it alone. I wouldn't call her, or let her or FIL in my home after this. Don't take any phone calls or allow them to attack you in any way. If you are not welcome in their home, they should not have access to YOUR children. These kids don't need to be around people who are so mentally unbalanced. They will most likely disparage you to your kids. Since DH allows them to be nasty to you, what makes you think he would protect his kids from hearing nasty things about their mother? Also, get alternative childcare. Your DH doesn't like it? Too freaking bad. He should have acted like a man, rather than a little mama's boy. You are obviously the mature parent. It will be up to you to protect the kids.

Your husband needs to grow up. I am sorry, but HE is being just as unreasonable as they are. He has been married to you for so long. I guess that means nothing to him?

I have to wonder if they and him have just been waiting for some small incident to blow up out of proportion. I don't know your husband, but this seems awfully suspicious that he just takes their side and doesn't think that they are the least bit unreasonable.

If he wants to end your marriage over this, then he should be told good riddance, IMO.

You have rights, too. Not just your DH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:20am

I'm so sorry to hear about this immature behavior. Wow.

After 12 years of marriage to you, co-parenting your children, your husband is ready to run home to Mommy and Daddy because their pweshus widdle feewings are hurt?

Yowza!

However *this* Christmas pans out, you might want to insist on marital counseling so your husband can learn to let go a little and learn some MATURE human interaction.

And it sounds like his Mommy wants some foot kissing. Like you need to crawl to her in abject submission and admit that she is the great queen ant or something before she will lower herself to consider "forgiveness" for *your* (??!!?) "sins".

Mature adult human beings do not cut off loved ones over such misunderstandings.

{{{hugs}}}

I do hope and wish for you that your husband will open his eyes and see just what stupidity he is indulging in and stand beside you as a life partner and co-parent to your children.

{{{hugs}}} again.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:52am
I agree with you 100% -- something just does not add up in this situation. These people are totally irrational or sportschic's DH and family are up to something. I just wonder if he has plans to leave and take the children with the cooperation of his parents. Normal people under normal circumstances where there has been a good relationship for 12 years do not behave this way. They may get angry, get their feelings hurt, etc., BUT they don't severe a relationship because of it. Something just is not right here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 12:57pm
I agree with the others. There must be a lot going on that you are either not aware of, or not sharing with us. How is your relationship with your husband otherwise? Do you love each other? How is he as a husband? Does he agree with you that this was a misunderstanding or does he think that you are being malicious? If the latter, then that means that there are tensions in your marriage that are just surfacing (or have surfaced before and you havent mentioned it). Either way, your marriage isnt a strong one, and I would recommend marital counselling asap, if you want to save it and have a healthy trusting relationship with your husband --- something you clearly dont have now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 1:41pm

Yes, there are other problems, and he couldn't tell me the other night if he still loves me...while I still do love him. I've always been closer with FIL, so it really hurts that he is so upset thinking I would intentionally not welcome them. There has been one other occassion where I had to basically grovel to MIL even though she was the one doing the silent treatment, locking herself in her room and not socializing, but I did it b/c I didn't want there to be tension (this was after a beach vacation w/ both families -- my brother and SIL w/ kids...DH is only child - and it does make a difference in this case) Obviously there are still feelings she has and either doesn't trust me or whatever, but the FIL part is what really gets me.

So, on the marriage, I want to work on it, go to counseling, but I don't know if he will. With this sitution I asked him point blank if he thought I was the type of person to do this and he said not really...and then said he didn't think I did this on purpose. But yet he says he may never be able to forgive me. Yep...definitely creeping toward mad on this whole thing. Bottom line is Christmas isn't going to be fun this year and I hate that for all of us.


Melissa
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 2:11pm

What exactly is there to forgive? It would be a cold day in Hell before I would grovel to MIL or put up with nonsense from such a Mama's boy. He doesn't KNOW if he loves you? He says he may never forgive you for this fictional slight against his selfish, whiny, backstabbing mother and father? Then on the other hand, he says he thinks you wouldn't do something like this?

My head just exploded.

Perhaps you ought to leave him to his precious Mommy, take your children and celebrate Christmas with YOUR family. Perhaps you ought to pack his bags and change the locks too. He doesn't want to be a family with you and uses made up reasons to ruin the kid's holiday and yours? He is a sorry excuse for a human being IMO.

I still think he is looking for a way to mess you up somehow and his parents are helping. I hope I am wrong, but I really have a horrible feeling in my gut about this. There is something wrong here. Terribly wrong.

Please, no matter what, protect yourself. Make sure you document what has happened, and make sure you have copies of all important papers. Watch your bank account and don't trust these people for a minute. To turn on you like this is so suspicious.

Lordie I hope I am dead wrong.

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