SIL invites exW 4 holidays, not her B
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| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 1:24am |
This is very long, but there are many things you need to know to understand the situation.
My DH and I just got married on 11/11 after living together for 2 1/2 years. I moved 1800 miles away from my family and friends so he could be near his 2 teenage sons (he is a very active F). His divorce from his exW of 19 years was still pretty new and his family (F,SM,S,B) all took it very hard and wouldn't speak to him. His M and SF were supportive from day 1. His SS did't live close, but didn't go either way. Unfortunately, only his S and B live close and his S hosts all of the family functions. It was 6 months after I moved here before SIL would meet me and 8 months before BIL would meet me. SIL didn't even invite DH to his F's birthday party, but his exW instead.
The first holidays his exW took great pleasure in telling him that she would be taking his sons to his S's house for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day dinners and that was the way his family wanted it. We were crushed, but somehow survived. Friends of his, "Smiths" invited us to join their family and said that no one should be left alone at Christmas.
His B had a serious car wreck and we weren't called, his exW was called. He even talked to his ex on the phone while she was at BIL's house getting him clothes and she didn't tell him about the accident.
SIL's husband and she had severe problems in their marriage that sprang up very suddenly. DH and I were both very supportive of her with information she needed, technical support she needed, basically anything she needed, and we were there. Thankfully, they were able to make it through their rough patch.
His StepMother's cancer came back that year and she passed in August. DH had missed the last holidays with his "Mama". His SS called to tell us that the funeral reception was going to be at SIL's house and his exW was going to be there and to "give her some space". This was the first planned time exW was going to be in the same room with me. I just about hit the roof. We decided not to make a difficult situation even more painful and we stayed in a different room the whole afternoon.
Soon after the funeral I wrote a four page letter telling my fiancee at the time's siblings our perception of what had happened with the holidays, the accident, the funeral and delivered it to them individually. BIL said he didn't realize that was how we felt, but he has no control, just goes where he's told for holidays. SSIL discussed all of the points in the letter and we all felt better after talking, but again, she lives 6 hours away. SIL chewed my ass up and down and never once addressed any of the things in the letter. DH and I sat there like beaten dogs and couldn't say anything as we were so shocked by her lashing out at me. SIL said we were done with the letter and we would move on. We were told that holidays were all about the kids and they were not going to abandon exW. I told them that we weren't asking them to abandon her, just not exclude their own B on holidays!
The next holidays came and (with the help of a lawyer) we were able to spend time with the boys. exW had them for Thanksgiving, so she was invited to S's house. We drove 6 hrs to SS house. Fiancee's F was in town for Christmas, so we were invited for both Eve and Day at S's house per his instructions.
The next year I hosted Easter which is a big deal for my family. His S, B, F and their families all attended and had a good time. Afterwards it was mentioned in front of me how S thought she should always host family gatherings because she is the matriarch of the family now.
The rest of the year involved our wedding plans. SIL's 3 kids were all in our wedding along with SSIL, SSIL's son, and our sons. (guess I can refer to him as DH now in the story, huh...)
SIL and SIL's daughter and I shopped for the flower girl dress together and had a nice afternoon. S offered to host the rehearsal dinner b/c we were hosting the reception and couldn't do 2 events 2 nights in a row. I graciously accepted and told her that I didn't want her to go to a lot of trouble and that we wanted things simple and easy. She followed that for the most part.
The wedding was great and everyone was smiling in all of the pictures. We received an invitation from the "Smiths" again for Thanksgiving and told them we'd let them know when we got back from our honeymoon. We assumed we were invited to SIL's house cause we had the boys with us for Thanksgiving.
We got back the Monday before Thanksgiving and not a word from SIL. We accepted the "Smiths'" invitation and had a great time with their family. exW was invited to SIL's.
For Christmas this year, we have the boys on Eve and exW has them on Day. We assumed that we would be invited for Eve and alone on Day. SIL sends DH an e-mail inviting us for Day and not Eve. We find out later that she has invited exW to come on Eve and church. So the all about the kids BS from the previous year is not being followed. SIL has arranged it so DH's boys won't get to see her kids on Christmas at all. Then we find out that FIL and SSIL are coming to town the week after Christmas and SIL and exW have put together a "family" dinner at exW's house that week. The cousins (kids) always draw names and we were given the names for our boys to buy the presents. SSIL tells us that she was told by SIL the only night the cousins could exchange gifts was on the night of exW's "family" dinner. She sent us an e-mail and cc'd SIL telling us up front what all of the plans were with family and exW and that she hoped that we would be a part of next year's plans. This is the first time that anyone else has even sideways said anything to SIL about how her own brother should be the one included.
Little tidbits you should know....
I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. We are good friends and she apologizes for her D's behavior. She tells me when exW calls her and when she is sending exW anything because she wants me to know the only reason she is nice to her is because if anything happens to her son, exW will have only control over access to her grandchildren.
SSIL and I get along very good and I wish she were closer in proximity so we could get to know each other even better. She told me the night before the wedding that she felt closer to me in 2 years than she ever was to exW in 20 years.
exW has had a BF for over two years and could be with him for holidays if she chose to, so she would not be alone if my DH and I were invited to his own family's celebrations.
I have reached out several times to my SIL over the past 2+ years and she has politely snubbed me everytime. My MIL forwards e-mail jokes to me and I noticed one had been sent to her by SIL. SIL had copied everyone in the family but me and had sent it to exW. I forwarded an e-mail to her telling her how I loved jokes like these and to please include me. Absolutely no response. The only time I have gotten an e-mail from her was when my DH did not respond right away to her holiday invite e-mail and she sent a 2nd notice. I offer to help with cooking and bringing things to every dinner and I seem to be relegated to desserts only. When I get there with a made from scratch, time consuming delacacy, I find that she has also made a few desserts.
DH and I have a very strong bond, especially since we were forced to be alone by his own family for so long. We are very good communicators with each other, but seem to have a hard time approaching his family on this (beaten dog syndrome). I am a take charge kind of person and if someone is doing something wrong to my family, I am a fierce defendor. He avoids confrontation like the plague and internalizes a lot of his pain and has been made to feel guilty by his family for the divorce. He is an introvert
exW is an extrovert. As soon as the divorce happened, she started making weekly phone calls to all (and I mean all) of Cliff's relatives. We know this because MIL told us. She whined to his family about how she did nothing wrong and this was all his fault and she never wanted the divorce, it was all him. Since DH's family heard nothing from him, they believed her. She held out hope for a reconciliation for a long time and figured the isolation would force him to come back. She didn't count on me coming into the picture. She refuses to accept that she had any fault in the failure of her marriage and blames them not getting back together on me. She will not be in a room with me and wants me to have nothing to do with the boys. The boys and I get along great, by the way.
So now to the what I need help on part....
Do DH and I give up on SIL completely? What do we do? How can we get her to see what she is doing to her brother?
I am at a complete loss. SIL has broken DH's and my hearts so many times that I feel I am done with her, but DH wants to hold on to whatever bread crumbs she throws him. The only thing that is giving me any hope for a happy future is the fact that after youngest son graduates, DH has promised me that we will move back to where my family is (who are waiting with open arms for both of us).
Please give me any advice you can on any part of this novella. Level set me if I am thinking about this incorrectly. DH and I have already made arrangements with SSIL to have a few beers and talk about this when she comes to town next week, so that has allowed me to partially calm down and try to enjoy the holiday.
Thanks for any words of wisdom that you can offer.

" Do DH and I give up on SIL completely? What do we do? How can we get her to see what she is doing to her brother?
I am at a complete loss. SIL has broken DH's and my hearts so many times that I feel I am done with her, but DH wants to hold on to whatever bread crumbs she throws him. "
Congrats on having a strong bond with your DH and open communication with him.
If it were me, I'd give up on her. Have a talk with your DH. Explain to him how frustrating it is for you, how damaging all this can be to his children. It's basically showing his children that it's ok to put others first before your own family. Speak to your MIL, as SHE should be the matriarch of the family, not her daughter. It would be better if you speak to her with DH present, so she can see you two as a united front. If MIL really doesn't feel that she can begin helping to welcome you into the family, it may be time to start creating your own family traditions, or asking the "Smith's" if they would still welcome you with the boys. Explain to MIL that you'll get together with the rest of the family informally around the holidays so they can spend some time with them, but that if you aren't welcome as a family, you're going to be where you are welcomed with open arms. Go have fun! Don't let SIL dig at you. If she finds out it's not going to get you anymore, it won't be any fun for her. Or fun for the ex.
Hope you have a good holiday.
Sallie
Thanks for your advice, Sallie.
I guess when I was going through the family history I forgot to mention that 30 years ago when DH's parents divorced, FIL got custody and MIL just had visitation. So when FIL remarried, the kids viewed their new stepmother as "Mama". MIL tends to be a pawn of her own daughter just like the rest of us.
I will try my best to get through the holiday with a smile on my face, but I am really looking forward to SSIL's visit next week and having a talk with her.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas yourself.
D