What do I do?
Find a Conversation
What do I do?
| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 2:34am |
I have been in an inter-racial relationship for four years. His parents have never liked me because I am not Chinese. He finally asked me to marry him and needless to say, his parents were not very thrilled. My finance insists that they like me, but I don't see that.
Instead of offering their congratulations, they sat me down and had a "talk" with me. They told me that I need to embrace their culture and that I need to learn how to speak another language so that I am not "left out" when I come to see them. Then they explained to me that there is a hierarchy in Asian families and the parents are number one so I must always respect them.
This conversation didn't exactly welcome me to their family, it made me upset and pretty much hate them more then I did before. Does anyone have any similar experiences or tips on what I should do?
Instead of offering their congratulations, they sat me down and had a "talk" with me. They told me that I need to embrace their culture and that I need to learn how to speak another language so that I am not "left out" when I come to see them. Then they explained to me that there is a hierarchy in Asian families and the parents are number one so I must always respect them.
This conversation didn't exactly welcome me to their family, it made me upset and pretty much hate them more then I did before. Does anyone have any similar experiences or tips on what I should do?

Pages
Run like Hell.
I am not being funny. If you do not want to have them be first in everything, all of the time, then IMO, you have no hope here, unless your DH is willing to buck that archaic, oppressive "tradition". I mean no disrespect to anyone here who is Chinese, but I think that some people use their "culture" to bully others. Especially if you live in America. This is not China and I think, as do some Chinese people that I know, that some parts of the "culture" are long overdue for an overhaul. It is fine to help your parents. But the wife or husband is to come first, as are any children.
What does your future husband have to say about all of this.
"This is not China and I think, as do some Chinese people that I know, that some parts of the "culture" are long overdue for an overhaul. It is fine to help your parents."
I have to say that this is reeking with ignorance. It's obvious you have no exposure to any other culture than your own and therefore feel entitled to decide which culture is "better" than others.
That is such an awful attitude to have towards other nations and cultures. No wonder the USA is hated so much by other countries.. because some americans like you display your ignorance like this. Some cultures and people actually feel that your practice of putting the spouse before the family is degenrate, ungrateful and selfish and "needs overhaul". They would retaliate saying precisely this.. So please dont use racial arguments like that to argue against other practices and cultures. And pray educate yourself about how to interact in public boards so that you dont go off offending people left and right. The rest of the world doesnt have a high opinion of the american culture as it is.. dont go proving that they are right to despise you as a people.
If you can possibly come off of the high horse, you will note that I DID say that there is nothing wrong with helping parents.
America will always be hated, no matter what we do or don't do. It doesn't prove ANYONE right about Americans just because I find the practice of putting your parents above the spouse to be totally off the wall. I am not the only one who thinks that is awful. If someone gets pissy over that, so be it.
In AMERICA it is considered wrong. At least with most people I know. Why would I say otherwise? No one gives American culture any respect and posts like YOURS prove just that. "Culture" is used in some circles to bully people. And AGAIN, if you will READ my post, you might note that I also said that some Chinese people that I know personally, agree with my opinion.
Pray educate YOURSELF on how to reply with respect to OUR culture. I have the right, just as anyone else does, to voice my opinion. I am not going to say it is okay to put your parents above your spouse, because I don't feel it is right.
Also, not long ago there was a generation who thought slavery was okay. But hey, it was in our CULTURE, so according to your superior standards, perhaps that would be okay to bring back again? I don't think so. Just because it is "culture", does not mean it is without faults.
If you feel it is okay to put your parents above your spouse, then by all means do it. I feel sorry for anyone you are married to.
Do not respond to me again. Thank you.
Edited 12/23/2006 3:24 pm ET by mom2danjam
I apologize if it seems I was dissing Chinese or other people. I wasn't meaning to. I just get tired of "culture" being an excuse to oppress, bully and treat other people badly, no matter WHERE you come from.
Good luck to you.
Hi Pranicchakras, welcome!
I have to say that his parents were straight up with you about the whole family situation. Since you don't feel welcomed and I don't blame you, I think you need to think about what you want to do. Do you want to marry a man whose parents are always going to come first? Do you want to get married knowing that you will always be second best in the family? I think these are some things that you need to think about and discuss your feelings with your fiance. If you can't reconcile these differences, perhaps your fiance may not be the right person for you.
No worries about being disrespectful. I didn't see it like that I totally understand what you are talking about. His parents havn't exactly been nice to me and I think they are a little bit to old fashioned with the whole "culture" thing. :)
Thank you for your response. You have given me a lot to think about and it's very helpful to have opinions from other people. Your right though, I don't want to always be second to his family and I don't want to be treated differently just because I am white and not Chinese.
Thanks for your support!
You seem to be a really excitable person. I believe that I am not the only one whose feathers you have ruffled.
Calm down PLEASE.
Pages