Loser FIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Loser FIL
6
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:21pm

I'm having major problems in my marriage with my wife because of my father-in-law. The guy is a creep. He's a playboy and loves carousing around with women of all ages. My wife on the other hand still calls him regularly and sees him regularly and says that she loves him. Apparently he's always been respectful and loving to her and gave her a good childhood. At least thats what she says.

Whenever I try to show her what a loser her father is she ends up sticking up for him!!! We then get into a huge fight in which she sometimes cries. Its probably our most contentious issue.

Why can't she just see what a low-life he is. I mean why does she insist on having such a person in our life? How can I convince her to see her father as the loser he is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: jerb06
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:41pm

Well, if he does not hit you up for money and stays out of *your* way, is good to your wife and keeps his scuzziness away from her (and you) then I think you need to back off and let your wife have her father. See him as little as you have to and be civil to him, because you love her.

I'm sure she *KNOWS* what a lowlife her own father is, and probably wishes with all her heart that it could be different. But he's the only father she has, and is a good *father* even if he's not a good *man*.

If he's getting money from her or using her to get to women or set up his sordid little trysts, that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.

But if he's not, then I suggest you tell her that you love her, apologize for "punishing her" for her father's bad behavior and agree to not harass her about loving her father. Then support her in her relationship with him (or just stay out of the way) and keep *your* relationship with her loving and caring.

I hope you and your wife can work this out to your mutual satisfaction.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: jerb06
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:53pm
She can't see him as you do because she loves him and he is her father. It is kind of cruel of you to try to make her see what she clearly is not ready to accept about him. Is he trying to cause problems in your marriage or are the problems just that you see him differently than your wife does? Is he disrespectful of you and your marriage? Maybe you should try to be more understanding and compassionate of your wife's feelings for her father. If he is such a low life, she probably needs you to be supportive and sympathetic to her feelings. Possibly deep down inside, she sees what you do, but needs you to love and protect her without "pointing out" what he is. That way she would not need to come to her father's defense which causes fights and tears.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: jerb06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:39am
Well he doesn't really interfere in our marriage. I just see him differently than my wife does. And she says that hes a wonderful and loving father. But honestly how can you love such a person? I mean why can't she just see him as a womanizing loser instead of a loving and caring father?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: jerb06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:26am
In that case, you should be ashamed of yourself. You should love your wife enough to want to shield and protect her from the hurt her father's bad behavior could cause for her, not insist on rubbing her nose in it. Are you jealous of her feelings for her father? Regardless of his behavior, he must love his daughter and his womanizing, etc. obviously has not interfered with him being a good father to her. You need to apologize to her and beg her forgiveness for causing her the pain you have. She may not like what her father does or how he behaves, but can still love him. Obviously you have flaws too -- we all do. You need to understand that you cannot control who, what or how your wife feels or loves anyone.


Edited 12/27/2006 7:10 am ET by fluffy42052
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
In reply to: jerb06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:26am

I mean why can't she just see him as a womanizing loser instead of a loving and caring father?


Why is it so important to you that she see this?

Madalot

When I insist that I am 'right," I slam the door of my mind.  I remain locked in past

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: jerb06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:22am

How can children still love parents who beat them and burn them with cigarettes? The need for our parent's love and acceptance is a deep-seated drive that can lead adult children to accept horrible behavior - just see some of the other stories on this board - from their parents. It is not something that can be turned on and off at will.

Like that saying, "You can pick your nose but you can't pick your parents" to put it rather crudely.

You may be seeing her association with him as a condoning of his bad behaviors. She may be seeing it as similar to associating with an alcoholic parent. Visiting that parent is not condoning the behavior, especially if limits are set. The alcoholic parent is welcome only when sober, her father is welcome when he's not actively doing whatever it is he does.

This is a man she has known and loved *all* of her life. He was her Daddy first, and then a person in his own right. You met him as an adult (I'm guessing here, of course) without all that emotional "programming", so you see him as a person first and *her* father second. So all of his warts really stick out to you, glaringly obvious and apparently quite disgusting to you. She sees "Daddy" with a few warts and she loves him, warts and all.

Just as she loves you, warts and all, even though your warts may not be quite so numerous as his.

Even Adolf Hitler had his good points (or so I would assume, since he was human) so maybe you could be grateful that your FIL's bad points aren't so bad? He could be a lot worse to you and your wife personally.

ilve2read