CONNIVING Mother-In-Law

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
CONNIVING Mother-In-Law
6
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:17pm
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half, and we are very much in love. However, on our one year anniversary, we had gotten into a fight at his mother's house (or something very petty), he ended up leaving, and then she started on me. She called me EVERY name in the book, told me that he wasn't happy with me, he's moving back home (which is 7 hours away from here) to be with his ex (who CHEATED on him with his 3 best friends), and then accused me of stealing (i've never stolen a thing in my life). So I had my parents come pick me up, because my boyfriend had left and I had no way home. After that incident, I didn't talk to him for 2 or 3 weeks because I was so upset over what she had said. She has done similiar things in the past, like trying to get me to lie to him (I told him about that and he confronted her, and she just sat there like a bump on a log), and then telling me things about his ex then telling me not to tell him ,then she told him because she thought it'd upset him and break us up. The thing is, we LOVE each other more than anything, we plan on getting married and starting a family together. I havent talked to his mother since July 06, and She has told him many times that she's sorry, but we've also been around her many times and she IGNORES me. I told him that I'm not accepting her apology unless she says it to my face or calls me and tells me. Neither of which she'll do. Her excuse is that I'll hang up on her, thus she's putting him in the middle of it, and I dont hang up on anybody. She invited him over for their Christmas Eve Party, and then for Christmas dinner, but I wasn't invited. That upset his WHOLE family (cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma, EVERYBODY) that I wasn't there, they now think I'm stuck up and no good. But I wasn't invited. So Christmas Eve, I made him leave early to be with me, and it caused a huge fight and he said that if these things between me and his mom don't get settled that we're going to have to break up, because supposibly he doesn't want to have a screwed up wedding because we dont get along. So what should I do? Then he ditched his dad's Christmas dinner (his dad loves me to death) to be with his mom because she lied about the time it started. Shes a disaster and he doesn't believe me when I told him what she did that day. HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 4:30pm

Hmm. Perhaps if *he* told *his* mother to knock off the childish behavior and accept *his* fiancee as the woman *he* is choosing to share his life with, you'd feel better about marrying *him*. Of course he'll need to have the cajones to back up his talk. If he tells Mommy to be nice and does nothing when she doesn't (or reverts later) then it's as bad as if he didn't say anything.

So, does he think it okay for his Mommy to treat his Fiancee (and wife) this way? Will he back you up if you tell her to grow up and act like an adult? Or will he get pissy 'cause you "dissed" his Mommy?

I do honestly think this needs to be settled before *you* marry *him*, 'cause if he won't take up for you now, it'll just be worse after you're married.

Seen it way too many times.

Be strong, girl. This is your married life we're talking about.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:35pm
Well, I have told him to have a talk with her and he did. It's just that she denies EVERYTHING, then she'll admit it, then she'll tell him she's sorry, but not me. Then he thinks that's apologizing to me too, and it isn't. And if I diss his mom, WATCH OUT, that pisses him off more then anything, he gets really really mad then, and it turns into a huge fight. He thinks the way she acts is totally mature and ok. And he won't be around my family bc my parents are NOTHING like that. They are extremely nice, stay outta my business (like our relationship), and accept him. She hates everything about me. I think she's just jealous bc my family is wealthy and she has filed bankruptcy and is living with her sister. Thats always what it seems like, bc she always brings up money to him and to me. I don't know what to do, bc I can't help myself but get pissed when she calls bc then she has a million questions for him like where he is, who he's with, what he's doing, if he's drinking, blah, blah, blah. She's a mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:37am
Isn't it sad how in-laws can have such an effect on lives of others. How many families are perfectly functional? first, we can never tell anyone what to do. To also tell someone they are not mature is a real knock to pride. We can only say how we feel and what we would like and then turn it over. would you and your man friend be open to counseling? I'd hate to see you break up over this? Over holidays the worst comes out in people. It is stressful and emotional. I hate to see your guy sop up his mom's issues, they are hers to own. Hang in there. I don't like him telling you he would break up over this. Marriage is releasing parents but still loving them. He needs to stand by your side. Ther must be a loving way to handle his mom even tho she is acting like a jerk. In some place she is hurting. No one can act poorly without some sort of pain and issues. Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:34pm

If she's trying to do this now, what do you think she'll be trying to do when you have children? It only gets more complicated then. And, if your fiance doesn't have the guts to back you up and stand beside you NOW, what do you think he'll do when his wonderful mommy tells him how to raise YOUR children?

Make him figure it out, give him an ultimatum, or go to pre-marital counseling. Get it figured out NOW, because it'll only get worse later if you don't start your life out as a TEAM.

Good luck!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:33pm

I think you are forgetting one simple little fact. She is not your mother in law. You do not have to volunteer for this mistreatment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:01am

Run! As fast as you can. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I know you love him, but do you love him enough to be last on his list of people to please? Can you live, for the rest of your life, always coming last to his family? It never gets better after you are married....it just gets more complicated.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it is so true.

Stay strong, and value yourself.