I'm new here and completely fed up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
I'm new here and completely fed up.
5
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 4:47pm
My DH and I have been together for four years now (married for one). When I first met this mother, we got along just fine. Over time, she somehow thought that I would like to receive emails from her putting my husband down. I eventually quit communicating with her all together. She is always being petty about one thing or another. She invited us to her house (2 1/2 hours away). Of course we went. After that trip, she called my DH and complained that all we talked was the wedding and that she didn't want to hear about the wedding. She accused him of letting his family fall apart. Keep in mind that she is the one who moved to another country while all of her children were still teenagers. She is angry that my DH did not play baby-sitter to his sister while she was gone. If MIL wanted her daughter taken care of she should have stayed home or taken her with her. She sent letters to DH (before the wedding) telling him that he spent entirely too much time with me and my family and not enough time with her. She said that she would gladly welcome me to the family WHEN WE MARRIED, but we weren't married yet. MIL has tried to control my DH. She hates the fact that he has a relationship with his father. After many angry emails between us, I told her that DH has forgiven the father for all of his misdeeds just like he forgave her for letting his step-father abuse him. MIL went off the handle and sent my mother an email telling her that I had married a lying crock of sh*t. She accused my DH of lying to me and to my family. When confronted, she admitted that one of her ex's used to hit my DH, but that she didn't think DH thought of it as abuse. She stated that she had emailed my mother apologizing and setting the record straight, but she never did. All she said was that she was only going to send generic emails from then on out. She never told my mother that she was the liar, not my DH.
Everytime she sends and email or anything, she does nothing but gripe and complain. She even pitched a fit because my DH signed one of his letters with his name only (instead of love, his name). She is the most petty person that I have ever met. The only picture that DH wanted taken at the wedding was one of him and both of his parents. MIL refused to stand there for two seconds and take that picture. She let her own jealousy and anger prevent my DH from getting the one thing that he asked her for. Its not like my FIL wanted to stand up there beside her either, but he agreed to do it for DH. She has ruined the relationship between me and my SIL too. Dear old SIL sent me a letter telling me that she did not want to be around me because I hate her mother. SIL accused me of bringing up the past and that I had no right to do that. SIL was mad that my DH talked to me about his feelings toward his childhood, but didn't talk to her about them. I am the WIFE! There will always be things that he talks to me about that he doesn't tell her. DH can tell me whatever he wants to. He doesn't have to run anything by her. Since that time, I have had no communication with MIL or SIL. I want to stay completely away from them. DH refuses to tell them that their behavior is unacceptable. He says that it is my problem and that I have to deal with it and fix it. I have never had to deal with someone as hateful as my MIL AND SIL. I don't like being around them and feel that I as long as they act like they do, that I shouldn't have to be around them. DH sees nothing wrong with what they do. We went to his grandparents for Christmas, and SIL blatantly ignored me. I feel like my DH should tell MIL and SIL that as long as they are so immature and rude to me that WE will have nothing to do with them. He refuses. Am I being unreasonable? Is there another way that I should handle this situation? I am at my wits end.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:38pm
Yes, he is being immature and unreasonable. Perhaps you should have your family treat him badly and then act shocked when he complains.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:34pm
Not only do you have a MIL problem but a DH problem. It's his mother, he needs to stand up for you~~your not to fix this~~he is!
~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 7:25pm
I'm so sorry that you're going through this mess with your in-laws. I've been exactly where you are for the most part, and am still there in other aspects of it. Kindly remind your husband that when he married you that you became his first priority. You are considered immediate family while everyone else is considered extended family. He is supposed to be 'forsaking all others'. He's supposed to be standing up for you when others treat you badly and not condoning it or pushing the matter over to you to handle when his family is the cause of the issues. It seems that his own mother has some serious issues with her own son and it's spilling over to her treatment of you. He needs to step up to the plate, stand up to his mother and handle it. Not saying that you would do this, but what 'if' you decided to handle it and just by chance you were super angry to the point of cursing her out and completely going off on her? You know what your hubby would do then? Your hubby would have a huge hissy fit after hearing her cry and act a fool, then get mad at you for telling 'his mother' something. No, he definitely needs to be the first one to deal with her, then you if there's a need for it. You don't seem to me like you hate your mil but rather have a very strong dislike for her as I do with my monster-in-law. Your mil is just like mine with the control issues, meddling, and acting a fool when she doesn't get her way. It'll be rough, but still continue to treat the woman with respect, be polite, be cordial, but don't let yourself be a doormat either. As far as sil goes, I wouldn't worry to much about her being mad about your hubby not sharing his childhood feelings and such. Maybe at one time your hubby did share those things with her and she may have felt close to him as a sibling because of it. That issue alone is between your hubby and sil. If he no longer wants to tell her such things, then she'll have to get over it at some point, but definitely don't get in the middle of that. Your sil has the notion that you hate her mother and I'm sure it's based of something that mil has said. You could attempt to talk to her if you wish. Seriously though, I would focus on getting hubby to deal with the main problem first and that is his family is treating you, and once that is in the works or resloved then all other misunderstandings should hopefully work themselves out. If they continue to act up, then just limit your interactions with them as much as possible because you don't need to be around people who don't know how to behave and treat you properly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:09pm

Hi Fedupdil, welcome to the board!

So let me get this straight. Your MIL will talk crap to you about your DH and MIL talks crap to DH, but when all is said and done, DH tells you it is your problem. Sounds like he has a problem standing up to his mother for whatever reason. I think that DH should tell them that the two of you will have nothing to do with MIL or SIL if that is the way that they are going to be.

Since DH says it is *your* problem, which I don't think it is, then it sounds like you can handle it however you want. If you want to continue to not have a relationship with MIL and SIL, then so be it. If you want to tell them where to go and how to get there, then do it, or however it is that you want to handle it. Your DH should not get upset when you handle it yourself and any consequences thereof. If he does say anything (which I suspect he would based on my impression from your post), you could let him know that he told you it was *your* problem, so you handled it *your* way. Maybe then he will see the light.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 10:35am
Thanks everyone for giving me your opinions. I have decided that since he won't stand up to his mother, that I will have to do it myself. The very next time that MIL decides to talk down about my husband, I am going to put her in her place. I mean really, if she doesn't like him she should stay away from him. I am no longer going to sit there and listen to her put him down. If she wants to be involved in our lives there are expectations of behavior that she must meet. She can't just put us down, tell lies about us, etc.