What to do with invasively helpful MIL??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
What to do with invasively helpful MIL??
9
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 2:10pm

Hi All,

I'm new here, and love the oppportunity to vent about my in-laws. I already posted my rant about Xmas, but would like to hear suggestions as to how to handle my sweet, caring, saintly, invasive MIL.

My mother-in-law loves me to death – quite possibly literally. She says I’m her favorite daughter-in-law. She’s always kissing and hugging me… and crying. She does my dishes, laundry, and invites me to dinner every weekend… At first, I kept telling myself I am lucky to have a supportive MIL who seems to completely accept me into her family. But then there’s the manipulative and gradually more and more invasive part.

My husband and I work different days, and any time he is off and I’m not, my MIL is at my house, bringing him lunch. While there, she makes our bed, does any dirty dishes we might have left in the sink, and (ruins) my laundry. I guess this is kind of an exchange for what comes next… as she then has my husband take her on her errands and take care of any projects she and my FIL have for him – like putting in new plumbing and electricity or a new roof. Forget about anything construction oriented needing doing around our house – his mom and dad always have more work for him than he can manage. Seriously, I’m not kidding here. I actually painted our house, refinished our wooden window sills, and put tile flooring in our guest house by myself because he got too busy with his parents’ projects to get any further than buying the supplies for ours.

It makes me uncomfortable that my MIL is cleaning my house while I’m at work. And, frankly, it feels a little invasive. I have asked my MIL numerous times not clean my house while she’s there. I’ve told her that she should just come to see her son and have lunch if she wants to, but don’t clean my house every time she comes over. But, she says, she wants to help. “Why should you have to do everything?” Well, because it’s my house, actually, so it’s my job to clean it. And, I’ve told her, if she comes over to clean all the time, it makes me feel like she views herself as my maid. My suggestion was that if she wants to help, why doesn’t she come over sometime WHEN I’M HOME and we can do it together? No change.

I know, a lot of people are probably thinking, “I wish someone would do my laundry and clean my kitchen while I was out,” but trust me it gets to be a little creepy. Especially when you know your MIL is wandering around your bedroom, making your bed and collecting your dirty clothes. Ew.

And you’re probably also thinking that being invited to eat dinner at your parents-in-law's house every weekend is a nice gesture. It would be, if it was optional. And/or if there were any kind of options at all - like going out to a restaurant once in a while, or coming over to our house for a dinner not consisting of the same thing every weekend. Or if saying, “We’re not going to make it to dinner tomorrow” did not result in a phone call the next day asking, “Are you coming up?” or, more often, “Where are you? Dinner is going to burn and your mother is a wreck!!”

My husband and I have actually come home to find his parents in our house, having let themselves in with their key. I have also found them snooping around the back of our house and letting themselves into the guest house.

My MIL calls every day, numerous times. In fact, interestingly enough, she’s called three times while I’ve been writing this. Even when my husband told them I had laryngitis and could not talk, but that I was at home and resting, my FIL insisted that I call my MIL “just for a minute, to let her know she’s all right.” And they kept calling until I picked up the phone and strained to say “I really can’t talk.” If I hadn’t acquiesced, I’m sure they would have landed on my doorstep and probably let themselves in, “out of concern,” of course.

What does one do about this kind of situation? Asking them to stop in the most kindly ways possible has no effect, and telling them they’re invading our privacy would bring the tears and, “But I’m just trying to help” from my MIL, and my husband would cave to that for certain. The invasiveness is always under the guise of helpfulness and care, and honestly I think she really believes this is the reason she’s doing it – she doesn’t quite recognize the “must claim son as mine and keep role in his life…” thing that’s probably really going on in her psyche. And I don’t really mind that aspect – I just wish she’d take him to her own house and coddle him there! And stop bleaching all my black clothes!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 2:55pm
When you tell someone "No" and they persist in doing whatever or having their own way, it is because they are trying to control you. This has nothing to do with being helpful or kind. You need to change the locks on your door and enforce some boundaries if you really want this to stop. If Dh doesn't "get it", maybe you should consider counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:58pm

Your MIL is not stupid. She knows her game and she plays it well. (please read this next sentence thickly covered in sarcasm) Why, how ungreatful and spoiled must you be to tell her to STOP being kind and considerate and helpful!!!! Right? WRONG! Because she knows that she'll come out of anything smelling like roses. Since you've talked with her before about this to no change, she isn't doing all of this unknowingly.


First things first, you either get the key to your house and the guest house back from them or you change the locks and don't give them a key. No exceptions.


Second, you must sit with your husband and come up with a strategy of defense. HE has to stop her from "cleaning" while she is there and you aren't. You two need to be clear and agree about where you will and will not say okay, and then stick to it because she will try and change your (DH's) mind. As of now, she has NO reason to believe that what you or he says will actually happen. You've never stood by your "no" to her before, she has no reason to believe this time will be any different. And just like a spoiled child, she will attempt to up the ante and see if just a teeny bit more of manipulation or tears will do the trick of getting her her way. You and your DH must must MUST stand firm.


Third, you ALWAYS have options. Turn off the ringer. Say no. While on the phone say "that won't work, we will have to reschedule/do it a different day". Don't budge from that, just become a broken record and repeat. If it is leading nowhere and she persists smile and say "we're sorry to dissapoint you MIL". Hang up if you're on the phone and change the subject if you're face to face and don't let her steer the conversation back.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 5:59pm

At the same time you change the locks, get those "safety chains" installed on *all* outside doors. Then when she's all worried about you (come on! Is she *really* worried that you are hurt or is she *worried* that you'll get free of her control?!?!) you have the chain on, let her know that you are fine, thanks (if you simply cannot ignore her and her escalations - 'cause you know she *will* escalate) you'll call her later, good bye! and she cannot push/worm/weasle/force her way inside.

Good luck!

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:42pm

She is nice to you but only so that she can control you, like Marie on Everyone Loves Raymond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:16pm
I agree with everyone. You need to change the locks PRONTO! Do not under any circumstances give her a key. It is your house, she does not need a key. Your DH should be helping you with projects around your home. If he feels that he must help his parents, suggest that he do so after he finishes helping you. It is not your job to do all of the work around your house. He lives there too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:55am

CHANGE YOUR LOCKS & DON'T GIVE THEM A NEW KEY & TELL DH IS HE DOES, HE WILL BE SLEEPING IN THE GUEST HOUSE. I was having somewhat of the same problem. My dh & MIL co-own a house together, she has a key, one day she with one of her lady friends came into the house & catch me coming out of the bathroom from a shower with nothing on but the towel on my head. I wasn't a very happy camper over that one. That was one time dh really chewed her out for that. When we purchased a house of our own, I informed him he was not to give MIL a key, because I would be changing all of the locks and he won't be getting one of them. Thats all it took for him to wise up some. I think he gave her one once and the I came home & found her in the house alone & flipped out on him (I catch her going thru our finanical tax paperwork that I was going thru for the accountant) Now we have a house alarm and she by george better not have the code.

Sam




Edited 12/30/2006 1:18 am ET by busdriversam
~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:06am

Also on that key have stamped "NOT TO BE COPY" as well so dh can't give them a copy.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 7:25pm
wow, I didn't know MIL's are like this. it makes me feel so much better when I have some difficulties with my son. I would never have a key to my son's place, only for emergencies, like my neighbor has my key, if I am away she can feed my cats and pet them. it is not MIL's place to do your dishes, ( Ok if she has dinner with you to help) she probably expects someting in return, like , look how nice i am to you. Inlaws need a life and it is time to let their kids go. you guys don't need all the help in-laws think you need. You need to experience your own stuff and grow from it. They had to go through it, now it is your turn.
Love, Leila
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 2:21pm

Kitty,


It's sounds like your MIL is a classic case of "emeshment." Thread your fingers together and you'll get the idea of emeshment. Basically, your MIL has entwined her