They're coming over tomorrow - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
They're coming over tomorrow - help!
8
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:55pm

So I'm wide awake...this always happens when my ILs come over. I completely panic!

Anyway, my MIL and FIL are coming over for brunch tomorrow morning. We see them 2 or 3 times a month, which I think is more than sufficient. However, when DH and I first got married we saw them at least 2x a week! It was way too much (I was a total push over then), and I finally had to say something. Even now I think it's too much, and she calls DH multiple times a day to check in b/c she feels she's not "in his life" enough. AH! If he doesn't answer, she keeps calling, calling, calling...sometimes ten or twelve times in an hour.

Well the reason we had to have them over tomorrow completely baffles me - apparently in JUNE we said "oh, you guys should come by and we'll barbecue sometime." Right...how many times have you said to a colleague or acquaintance "oh, we should grab drinks sometime..." or something like that? You're not saying TOMORROW we should get together, just SOMETIME. The summer is a very busy time at work for me, and they never mentioned it again. Fact is, they live TWENTY minutes away and we already see them ALL THE TIME. If the BBQ was so important to them they should've reminded us and we would've had them over! We must've been to their house a dozen times this summer for BBQs! What's one more?!

Anyway, last night MIL is on the phone with DH and he's being very quiet. When he comes out of our room, he tells me his mother brought up the BBQ. What BBQ? I had no idea what he was talking about - apparently neither did he when she mentioned it. Well, she was concerned about why we'd never had them over THIS SUMMER for a BBQ. I guess the dozen BBQs at their house didn't suffice?! Besides, it's almost January! Has she been sitting on this for SEVEN months?!

So now I have to have them over. They are impossible guests, which is why we never invite them - they're ALWAYS very late, complain if we ask them to bring something (we always bring a ton of food/drinks when we go to their house, and they have no problem asking us to "grab a few things" for them!), comment on my furniture, complain there's not enough food (they're very obese and always overserve at their house, but we refuse to put out a ton of food for 4 people - it seems so wasteful) and comment on my inability to cook/clean or whatever. Lately the topic has been my weight. I lost a lot of weight but MANY years ago, yet they still always comment. Last time I saw them it was my TOM and I was a little bloated - maybe 4 or 5 pounds up - and my FIL was like "oh, so you're off the diet?" In front of a room full of people! My weight is NOT a public topic of conversation!

Needless to say, I'm feeling really anxious about tomorrow. Apologies for the rant! Just needed to get it off my chest! Thanks and have a great weekend!

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 7:38am

1. Stop taking things to their house when visiting them. What is good for them is good for you. Also, just don't ask them to bring anything. Not worth the hassle.

2. If they start their complaining, cut it off at the pass. Tell them, point blank that you do not want or need their comments. If they don't like how you cook/clean/whatever, then they are free to leave. Also, about the cleaning. Tell them to talk to their SON. It is his house too and having a penis should not excuse one from domestic chores.

3. If there is commentary about your weight, pick something about them and harp on it. Really harp on it. "Gee FIL are you ever going to get those hair plugs? They would make you look so much better." or "Hey MIL, I found this new creme for crow's feet and thought you might want to try it."

4. If they whine about the amount of food, tell them that it is wasteful and NOBODY needs to eat so much.

5. Tell them dinner is a such and such time. If they are late, eat without them, and put the food away. If they whine, tell them that perhaps they need a new clock because they are always late.

I mean it. Be rude. You are gaining nothing by being so nice to them. Let them have it back. Make it so unpleasant that they won't want to come often.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 2:07pm
Wow, Mom2danjam. Feeling a little snarky? lol. I do agree that they are rude and imposing. I think that the OP needs to cut back on the visits even more and never, ever mention having them over again. If they do want to invite them fine, but invite them maybe two weeks in advance. Tell them that you don't believe in putting out extra food because it is wasteful, just like Mom2danjam said. Anything they want that isn't on your menu they will have to bring it.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 2:41pm

Yeah, a little. LOL

It just gets old. I don't think you have to cuss and swear, but I don't see why people have to walk on eggshells, even with relatives. I don't like to play games and I especially don't like passive/aggressive BS.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 3:12pm
Me either. I am sick of the way these crazy ILS act. What is wrong with these people? They seem to all have a mental illness or something. lol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 7:18pm
Oh my, I am MIL. I didn't know how good I am!!!!!!!!!!! it never helps to be rude. Be direct and loving. If your weight is mentioned just say, my weight is a personal issue between me and myself. Just be respectful as they gave your hubby a life. Keep it simple and keep to your values. You can let them talk and say nothing or else, " I have a different opinion but no one is wrong." If you want to bring food to their house, then do it, expect nothing in return. ypu do what you feel is right. They do what they feel is right. Keep peace and love but let no one devalue you. Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:06pm
Personally, I disagree. Why should she be respectful when they are so disrespectful or her? If my in-laws mentioned my weight over and over again, I would tell them to shut their big fat mouths or get out of my house. You have to give respect to earn it and from what I have heard, they do not deserve her respect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:42am

She should be respectful (not a doormat, just politely assertive) so that the ILs can never point to her being "just as bad".

And because her self-respect is more important than scoring "points" on cluelessly rude people.

Mom2danjam has the right idea, but *I* would suggest a milder version of her idea. Mostly for the self-respect. Never get down to wrassle with the pig. You both get dirty, but only the pig has fun. :o)

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 5:59am
That would be stooping to their level. Beter to keep out of the way where people insult you, if ya can't, better to say as little as you can. one can say, my weight is my business, I am not going to listen to you when you talk about it, much better that shut your mouth. Then they can say what a jerk she is by talking like that. Give others less to talk about. it is also respectful to her husband not to put down his parents. Maybe what would Buddah or Jesus or Mohamad say? or even Oprah? it is Ok to disagree with me. There is a rule of life,in my book: " if you want more love, give more love, if you want more money, give more money."etc. things come bacck to you. Peeople who treat people poorly are coming from a hurtful place. Leila