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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 7:21am |
Hi everyone! I am new to this site, and I am looking for some advice on the situation I am facing. Let me start by saying that my in-laws are good to me and my husband. But.... I feel like they are possibly jealous that my husband has a wife and daughter now. My husband is in the military, and we currently live in North Carolina, while they live in Florida. When we are visiting them, or they are here visiting us, if my husband is out of thier sight, they make him feel guilty. Well, the current situation is this.. My husband has been deployed to Iraq since the begininng of September 2006, and will return in April, and they want to be here the day he arrives back to the states. Now, I do understand they want to see him, but our daughter and I have not seen him since he left, and quite honestly that has been difficult on both of us. I know how it was the last time he returned from Iraq, and although he was happy to see everyone, he was tired and just wanted to take a real shower, and relax. My in-laws have both made their point that they want to be here, and I don't mind if they come up here maybe a few days after he gets back, but not the very day he returns. All of my military friends say that their in-laws wait because wife and kids come first in the in-laws eyes. But I am afraid that my husband will be upset if I say no to them coming here the first day he's back. I am sure they will make him feel guilty, and that is why he will be upset. What should I do?

Not having a husband in the same situation, my advice might not be the best, but I am going to try.
I would ask him what he wants. Not what would make Mommy and Daddy happy, but what he wants. Then be prepared to accept his decision. He is the one deployed. If he says he would rather it just be you and the children, then so be it. Tell MIL and FIL that they are welcome a few days later. IF they whine, tell them to grow up, and that everything is not about them. If he wants them there, then it might be best to adhere to his wishes. However, I would not let them muscle their way to getting the first hug, etc. I also would not allow them to take over your home and make snide remarks. Let them know that YOU are doing THEM the favor, and for your husband. Then, they cannot just stay on. They have to leave after X amount of days. ALso, I think a hotel would be best for them.
Hi,
My husband deployed to Iraq in September as well, and I am expecting him back between September and October of this year. First of all, let me say that I hope you're doing well. This is my first deployment, and it's been very hard, but on the other side, I feel like the months have been just flying by. I guess this is your second? In my eyes, that sort of makes you a pro at this.
We don't have a good relationship with his parents. We got married in April, and they decided not to come to our wedding because they did not agree with his choice in marrying me. Because of that and since they have not mentioned nor apologized for it to this day, we have kept a very distant relationship with them. If it had not been for this deployment, we would not be speaking to them at all.
Since it is so far away on the calendar, the homecoming plans have not been discussed yet, but I have thought about them a lot. His parents are a lot like the way you describe your in-laws. They believe that they should come first, above me or anybody else, and I know when the situation does come up, they will probably act a lot like your in-laws are acting. They love to make him feel guilty for anything that goes wrong in their own lives, even if he is 5,000 miles away in Iraq. They can't even talk to him without telling him how much his absence has put a damper on the family. (They even tried to get him to go AWOL before his leave date and used the excuse that they "can't take any more pain this year." The first cause of pain would be my presence in their lives, of course.)
When it does come up, I plan on explaining exactly what you wrote in your post. When Soldiers come home, they often are so tired and jet-lagged that they really do not want to see a lot of people, other than their immediate family, which includes their wives, husbands and children. It's just common courtesy. After all the things they've been through over there, I think they just need time to relax and re-adjust, without the whole world around watching their every move, asking them endless questions and offering to do everything for them. I am not inviting his parents nor mine to the homecoming ceremony because I believe that time should be reserved for us. I don't want him to feel overwhelmed by all that he is coming back to because it is a huge change. I want him to feel comfortable. My family understands this completely, but I know his family is going to make a big fuss over it. However, all I can do is explain that to them, and they are going to have to accept that, happily or not.
I do suggest that you talk with your husband first and let him know what the plans are and why. I've talked with my husband about this and he agrees. Don't keep the fact from your husband because then he might feel as if you're making decisions for him. If he agrees, then do it. If he doesn't, compromise, but be sure to let him know how you are feeling about the situation and how it was the last time when he came home.
Hope this helps you! And I hope your husband stays safe.
Ashley
Madylousmom, welcome!
I think you should ask your DH what he wants and if he wants his parents there, then they should be there. If he just wants you and your daughter there when he returns, then that is the way it should be. If he wants the altter, then you can always tell his parents that they can trhow a homecoming party for him the week or two after he gets back, so he has some time to settle in, and they have a chance to welcome him home with a big party. They could have his family, friends, etc. over their house or wherever they want to have the party at.
Also, thank you for dealing with this as your husband is overseas fighting the war. Also, thank you to your husband for serving and defending our great Country!
You simply inform his his parents that they are completely welcome to see their son back from his tour in Iraq on which ever day it is three days after he gets back. Example he gets back on the 20th, they can come on the 23rd. INFORM them that having been gone you and your daughter are going to enjoy FAMILY time with him, reconnecting during his inprocessing and the newness of being back, that it is simply not possible for them to come any earlier.
Your husband will not be upset unless he is a gutless weeney. I bet he will be relieved that you took the innitiative to be his woman and make his return as pleasant and stress free for him as possible. His parents may say something to manipulate things in their favor, but guilt comes from doing something wrong. You aren't doing anything wrong by insisting that this precious time be reserved for your family, and not outsiders! They might attempt to set you/him on a guilt trip, but that doesn't mean you have to hop on board. Say to them "I am sorry you are dissapointed, I hope your cheerful welcome to him is there when you come on the 23rd."
One last thought. Your husband is a warrier. He needs a warriers woman, not a wimpy one. You sound like you're in the right mind-set to be a warriers woman, now you need the action follow through. You can do it!