military sahm moving(?) near DH's family

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
military sahm moving(?) near DH's family
6
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:19pm

hello, this is my first time here, really haven't felt the need to post before since we lived near none of our family. some background on my issue: my DH and i are trying to get out of our townhome in VA and into our first house with our 2 DS. since we are a military family and nearing the end of DH's sea tour, the idea was to pick the best place overall for us and then have him do recruiting for a period. we're probably only going to spend about 5 years total in the first house, but we're open to changing our minds on that one if we really like it. so we want to base our decision on economy, affordable housing, accessibility to family, good schools, family-friendly activities/environment, and healthy climate. myself and both DS have terrible allergies and the VA humidity and lack of seasons really seem to take lots out of us. so somewhere with 4 seasons and mid-line humidity/clean air is a must. our immediate families are from very different parts of the country, which makes it hard to pick a region. mine are relocating from Boise to S.L.C., and his are in Buffalo, NY. plus we've been out here on the east coast for the last 6 years b/c he wanted to be close to his family, which makes me think it would be nice if i got a turn to be near my family too. incidentally, even though my family is poorer, has 3 kids still at home and lives farther away they still managed to visit us just as much as my ILs who at one time were only 6h from us and have no one at home. the ILs make trips to see Nascar in our area but never stop by or give us a call when in the area, plus they've taken to cruises and resort trips lately, so have less time to spend w/us. at the beginning of the year we had decided on moving to the Salt Lake area based on the fact that it would be a better investment with the area becoming popular for vacationers and ex-Californians. three months in, we have a great house right on the foothills near a university all lined up, gonna cost us less than $100K and need minimal updating. then my husband balks, saying he doesn't want to live in a Mormon state and anyway he shouldn't live so far from his parents since he's the only son they have left. his 16-yr-old brother stuck a 357 in his mouth only a month before our first son was born, IMO it was on account of the absurd amount of pressure heaped upon him by his parents to be perfect. also b/c his dad drinks heavily, is verbally/emotionally abusive & the kid was on drugs. i was only swayed after he brought up his DD who lives in the area and he hardly ever sees. so i let it slide and said ok, we'll check out the area for the purpose of getting closer to her. stupid, stupid move. i should have gotten pissed as h***, said it's too late & if those were real concerns you would have mentioned them before we got to this point, get over your cold feet. but anyway. we've spent the last few months trying to find a place in the Buffalo area that was in our price range and didn't need extensive overhauling. i guess the taxes are so high that no one can afford to keep up their property. not to mention the Rust Belt stigma of unemployment in the city. we finally found a beautiful house with a teeny yard, in spite of his families "helpfulness"(translation: bossy criticism an misinformation). but now his parents are starting to attack his decisions, parenting, financial status, career choices, wanting to be in his DDs life, basically everything him. they've done this kind of thing through the years to me and i just shrugged it off, figuring since i don't have that much contact with them it shouldn't affect me. my DH is very stressed out though, been getting chest pains, back and neck aches, sleeping odd hours, losing appetite, and even getting a speeding ticket when he zoned out too much on the road. it's his first since he left home, he's always the one telling me to drive less aggressively. so i am very worried about how it will affect him (& thereby us, the kids) to live so close to family that obviously have a negative impact on his emotional/physical/mental health and put all this pressure on him. i know he doesn't want to confront his parents about the undermining treatment and past abuse, he just hopes it will eventually get better as they grow older and have the grandkids around. as i see it that's not likely, in fact things will probably get worse as they retire and get more self-absorbed and set in their ways. did i forget to mention that soon after we told them that we were planning on moving to their area, they said oh, well we're going to be moving to NC in the next 2 years but that's nice. my DH was so crushed to see that his family wasn't even interested in becoming closer, they already had plans for the future that didn't include him. so my dilemma is, a) do i continue this charade of "we're moving closer to be near the grandparents and DD, then everyone will be one happy family" which is so not even close to happening(DSD's mother, btw, is a sweet lady who everyone but his parents get along with, they apparently hate her b/c she didn't get an abortion) or, b) do i put my foot down and tell DH there is no way i am going to place him or our children in a situation where they will end up traumatized by abuse, that i don't want him to end up like his brother depressed and hurting, that i will not be a martyr for these attacks any more, that he'll just have to get used to Mormons it can't be much worse than living in a Catholic state. either way i play this someone is going to take damage, but just how much damage is liveable, and can i stand being "the b**ch" scapegoat for his family in the years to come? will his being angry with me for refusing to move be worth it in the long run, or am i borrowing trouble? i do feel really bad about the DD thing, as we were looking forward to having her nearby and the kids all play so wonderfully together, but i would be willing to spring for tickets if they want to visit us somewhere else and it may also be less stressfull away from disfunctional families. and with better finances out there we would be able to take more vacations to visit them, (it would cost us around $600/mo less to live in UT than in NY). also, it is important to me to be closer to my grandparentso in California (where we eventually want to end up permanently) since they will not live much longer and have only seen our kids once. his grandparents were already dead when we married, so that is not an issue. and my family is always very respectful and accepting of my DH, our decisions, and the way we run things. example, when we were having marriage trouble a few years ago they did not judge either of us, offered support and prayer, and shared how they got through their struggles while always affirming that we could get through the tough time. his parents on the other hand told him that we were just not meant to be married and that it was better he get out now before i manipulated him into getting emotionally attached to me and our son! i am sorry this was such a long post, hopefully someone will have insight into how i can make these difficult decisions real to my spouse and not waste more time butting heads. please respond with any help you can give, i don't want to spend the next five years,

Gritting My Teeth In Buffalo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:27pm
oh yeah, i also forgot to say that DH's dad is a racist womanizer who hangs out with his good ol' boys drinking beer and blaming Jews for the lack of jobs in the area, his mom is a classist who acts like she's better than a SAHM b/c she's a lab assistant at a research institute, and thinks the only good homes are in a tract and vinyl-sided. did i mention that i was a SAHM of Mexican/Indian descent and loves old houses? you can guess how much we have in common to talk about.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:40pm

I don't mean to be the grammar and sentence police, but your post is extremely hard to read. Is there any way you can edit and split up into some paragraphs? I just want to be able to understand it better.

Please don't take it personally. My old eyes just cannot make out the sentences well when they are all in one huge paragraph. Thanks

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:24pm

Green,


After reading your post I need ask you something: Why would you want to live anywhere near his parents when they so obviously weigh down your husband (and as a result your marriage) and they don't seem to make you part of their lives?


Move where you feel your opportunities are best. Period. The only factor I can see being intergal to your decision is your husband's DD.


I'll put a pitch in for Kalamazoo, MI. There are four seasons, the air is clean, the schools are good, and by the way, if your children attend school here from 1st grade through high school they'll get a free college education courtesy of the Kalamazoo School District. It's called the Kalamazoo Promise. Check it out.


Regardless, you're adults and you need to make your decisions based on your family, not your parents or in-laws.


Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:28pm

Hi greengirlsr1.

My first reaction is to strongly suggest counseling. Perhaps with a chaplain?

The reason is that your husband has so *many* issues going on. First and foremost being his irrational hope (shared by nearly *all* abused children) that if he just tries hard enough his parents will love him and you'll all be happy. Armchair psychology, I *could* be wrong. Second is your description of how he is handling all this stress. It sounds to this ACP (armchair psychologist) that he is internalizing all of his stress, and it is and will affect his physical health as well as his emotional/mental health.

At the very least, if you can find a quiet lower-stress-than-usual time, ask him to do a pro/con sheet for staying and one for moving. Maybe you do one too, then you swap and compare them.

You probably already do this, but try not to talk in terms of how awful his parents are. You definitely do not want to put him in the position of *defending* them, even if it's just because they are his parents.

I'm sure you'll get other suggestions, too, and you can decide which would fit you and your situation better.

I do wish you the very best, however this turns out.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:47pm
thank you for your guidance, i am trying to get him back into civvie counseling, he refuses to try the military route again. did try a few years back (the marriage trouble stuff, emotional detachment and depression), then he was stripped of his nuclear NEC wrongfully due to an error in paperwork. he's just gotten back into the plant, so he's very wary of talking to anyone who might smear his career. i have tried a version of the pro/con sheet with him, unfortunately at the time he wasn't open to participating. maybe i can make another attempt now? and i do my best to be non-threatening when talking about his parents, reassure him that my family is just as weird in their own way, that the real focal point is where & what will benefit OUR family the most. i hope he gets the point, that i'm just trying to look out for his best interest and create a stable, happy home for us all. thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:00pm

thanks, wisdom, much appreciation. originally, the hope was that being near family would provide a better support network for us as being in the military has DH away from home a lot. the kids and myself could really benefit from interaction/encouragement from those closest to us, especially if DH is deployed overseas. obviously, it is now apparent that we are not going to find that kind of support where we were expecting it. we are limited by the salary he makes, since it is difficult for me to find jobs that cover more than daycare when we keep moving every two years. our main reasons for a move to our first house are 1) setting down some roots near supportive family/friends, 2) making a solid investment for the future, 3)giving the kids a more stable lifestyle, 4)finding a way to escape the paycheck-to-paycheck enlisted mentality that we seem to be stuck in, and 5)finding a place that is physically and mentally healthier for us than where we've been so far. you echo my sentiment exactly when you say that the DD is the crux of the matter at the moment. without that card in the game i doubt we would still be arguing. thank you for your support.

-S

btw, i have a half-sis in Holland, MI. is it anywhere near Kalamazoo? she loves where she is.