hot and cold

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
hot and cold
7
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:09pm
I'm very lucky in that I have husband who loves me very much and treats me like a queen. It has been a very interesting journey for me as I've married into an Indian family. Not only an Indian family but a family of some status and wealth. His parents treat me and us quite well actually. The issue is that my mother-in-law runs hot and cold. I'm a good person and I work hard. But I'm a terrible housekeeper and I don't cook for my husband regularly. Why would I when 80% of the time I'll have cooked and he tells me that he's already eaten. This irritates my mother-in-law to no end. In fact, she can be an out and out snob. Recently, I think that she is getting snobbier and snobbier. If my house is disasterous, you can just see her recoil...There might be a lot of clutter in the house but it isn't dirty here and certainly doesn't deserve her reaction. If we are out with my own family and a topic of sadness or unpleasantness comes up, you can see her withdraw and turn up her nose. Anyways I never know what to do or what I've done wrong. I try to talk to my husband but of course it is his mother and he gets very defensive. Because his family is so important to him, I want to have a good relationship with her and the rest of the family. If anyone has a suggestion that would be helpful.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: malynn85
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:01am
Um...it is HIS house too. He can damn well get off of his butt and clean it too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: malynn85
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:19pm
I'm betting her behavior is wrapped up in her culture and the way she was raised in respects to the duties of a wife. I don't think you should let it bother you. Ignore it. She has the right to be snobbie, you have the right to not give a rats ass. It's got to be close to miserable being her, all uppity and self righteous, I bet she's hardly ever satisfied and happy. All that matters is, is your husband happy? Does he walk into any room and know that no other man is loved by his woman more than he is by you? I would feel sorry for her pettiness, and I'd let it go and ignore it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
In reply to: malynn85
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:31pm

You have two choices: become the wife your MIL wants you to be.. start cooking, cleaning, becoming your husband's personal maid (and even then it wont be good enough for her, trust me). Or ignore her and resign yourself to the fact that you wont be the apple of your in-laws eye or best friends with your MIL.
From personal experience (being married in an Indian family) I can tell you that the latter is not always a bad thing. Distance is good. If they dont like you THAT much, but tolerate you, behave well with you, and accept and acknowledge that you make their son happy then I'd say that that is much better than having a MIL who loves you and adores you. Because with adoration comes tons of expectations and you might find that your life is being spent living up to those expectations. In-laws are only as important to our lives as we let them be. If you make her that important your marriage she will be.. but if you dont let her get to you, then you'll just be happier. She really doesnt matter that much, you know.
So if I were you I'd continue being cordial to MIL with no expectation of friendship from her, and find other friends and other things to keep me busy. That is my policy anyway.. and I have a pretty good relationship with my in-laws... in that they dont LOVE me, and I dont LOVE them.. maybe at times I dont even LIKE them that much, but despite that we get along very well when we see each other, wish each other well, support each other and help out during hard times. That's all you need anyway. Your marriage is about your husband.. not his family. And not about his family liking you.

ETA: I forgot to say: as long as she is not verbalizing her disgust at the state of your house just let it go. Give her a cold shoulder, and ignore her reaction. If you feel so impelled, you could try humor... like "scared MIL?"... try joking about it, bring it out into the open and bring her down a notch or two from her snobbiness. You might find that your MIL might actually appreciate it and respect the fact that you call her on her snobbiness. Dont be afraid to be her equal, even with a dirty house.




Edited 1/3/2007 7:36 pm ET by ingie2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: malynn85
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:44pm

I agree that on a lot of issues you should try to relax, be patient. A good relationship with a mother in law is not built in a day. But you will be in her family for many many years, there is an excellent chance that affection will grow between you, especially if you continue to want that result.

And if you know MIL is coming over for an occasion, and you two wish her to be comfortable in your home, then maybe your adoring man will pay for a maid service for the day. Tell him that you want his mom to feel welcomed, and that you would be happy to make the arrangements for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: malynn85
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:51pm

Welcome Malynn85!

Your MIL doesn't have to like how clean or not clean your house is. It isn't her house and it really isn't any of her business. As for the conversation, if she doesn't like the conversation, she can leave the room. She doesn't sound like someone who can be pleased, and if it were me, I would try too hard to have a good relationship with her, because you will probably be rebuffed anyway.

When she gets snobby or turns her nose up, try to ignore her. If she realizes that people are going to ignore her when she acts like that, then she is going to realize that she may have to change if she wants people to notice her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
In reply to: malynn85
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 1:35am
Wow!!!! I'm really glad that I wrote this post as I was really unsure as to whether or not to do that. All of you are right. In a lot of ways it is my approach/reaction to her that gets me in the end. I know that I have to keep working on controlling myself and just do the best I can. More than anything it just helps hearing from others and getting feedback. All of which I'm going to work on and try. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
In reply to: malynn85
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 2:47am
Oh yeah...in reading all of the discussions it is so reassuring to know that I'm not the only one with IL issues.