fince too close to Mom & Sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
fince too close to Mom & Sister
7
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:49pm
I am questioning the closeness that my fiance has with his Mom & one of his
sisters, who is a single mom. The man that I am going to marry has not had a
serious relationship like we have and has had the habit of hanging out at his
mothers & his sister & his niece are around as well. He spends the night with his
mother some and calls her to tell her good night. He owns a home & in his late 30's. This sister is a single mother & he has almost been like the male role model in his nieces
life, she is now 10. Her father is a loser & is never around & they are
divorced. He has other nice family that he is not as "glued" to. I feel that they
are threatened by me because, they are not the only women in his life
anymore. I feel that there is a tug of war for his time & them fulfilling his
needs, like baking good cookies, etc. They are used to baking him a B-day cake
and other goods that he chops down on. Now I do some baking & they try to copy
it or top it. I baked a cake for his B-day this year & the niece asked if I
baked it from scratch. No I didn't. Then his mother baked the same kind for
Christmas & made a point to tell me she baked it from scratch. Then his sister
baked some cookies and made a point to say the same thing. It's like they try
to put a dark shadow on what I do for my fiance! His sister has a domineering
personality & everytime I turn around, she is throwing in an idea for our
wedding & he goes for it! If she told him to shave his head, he probably would end up doing that!! It's like she is trying to plan OUR wedding. Everything she says, he sways towards it. Then she can gloat that "she is the reason that this is like that. I told them to do that" Whenever we are apart, guess where he runs.........to his moms....guess
who is there...his sister & niece. That was our New Years eve.........with them. We went home close to midnight to be alone, she calls to see what we were doing. It's like she wants to bite in on our time when she can. I do get along with them ok & like being
around them some but we should not arrange our time together around them. It's
ok to do things with them some but not all the time or make this a priority. Also he eats lunch at his mother every day. Is this like it will be when we are married? Will this be
adjusted? I have talked this over, he has made some progress but not much. I
can't pull him away from them!! I know he needs to be with them some. I don't want to be controlling but he needs to get used to focusing on "us" & our time together & get out from under his mother & stop being mentored by his domineering sister! This is the only issue that I have with him. Our relationship is great otherwise. What can I say? Help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:20am
If you are going to marry this guy, I strongly suggest pre-marital counseling and be sure to include discussions on relationship with extended families after marriage. This has the potential for being a nightmare situation for you! :o(
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:29am
I know what you are going through, as I have a similar situation. Only we are both probably too close to our moms in an unhealthy way. I think that you've got to sit down and talk to him about this, or it will not stop. It sounds like a codependent relationship. I think it's great that he's trying to be a positive figure for his niece, but he can't save his mom and sister from loneliness or whatever problems they may be having. He can lovingly try to point them in the right direction, but it's unfair to him and to you to do what he's doing. And he has probably been doing this for years, and this is probably why he's never had a serious relationship. I think you've got to get the message across to him that as everyone gets older, the relationship evolves. It sounds like everyone is sort of stuck in childhood. It doesn't mean that he can't be close to them, but it does mean that somehow they all need to try and accept that you and he want to start a life together. There is not enough room in the bed for all of these people. Family should want what's best for the other family members and not what's in their own best interest, but that's hard. Is there any way you can try to show them that you love him and aren't trying to take him away? Some people feel like there isn't enough love to go around, and there should be! You need to also take some control of the situation. Maybe you can tell your future SIL "thanks for the wedding ideas, etc., I will think about that, but I'd sort of been leaning towards blah blah blah." I would definitely work through these things before marriage. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:41pm

"Is this like it will be when we are married?"


Of course it will be like this! Because you've gone along with it all this time and haven't left him over it, you've told him it's okay.


"Will this be adjusted?"


You can bet your life it'll be adjusted, but in the worst possible way you can imagine. It'll adjust to him not only pushing you his wife aside for his mommy and sister, but he'll push his own kids aside for them too.


I've just got to say, you only have two choices here. You either leave because this is not a life long arrangement that you want to volunteer to commit to by marrying him, or you suck it up and shut up about it. Those are your only choices. You stay, you shut up about it. You leave because having a boy who doesn't put you first is a deal breaker. You will have no right to complain about it if you marry him as things are now. You will have no right to nag him and hound him for the rest of your lives because he continues to be the mamma's boy that you VOLUNTEERED to marry.


Never buy an alligator when you want a fuzzy pet to curl in your lap. KWIM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:07pm

Welcome Mermaid777!

I can tell you that if you marry him, he isn't going to change. He is still going to want to be with his mother every day for lunch and call his Mommy to say good night. He isn't going to change because he marries you. He's been doing this for a long time and probably doesn't know how to stop and probably doesn't want to. If he's always listening to his sister over you, that is a big problem. His sister is basically making suggestions and he is using them for the wedding. If he takes her suggestions and wants to use them, whose wedding is it then?

I don't want to burst you bubble, but I don't see it working out if the two of you get married. He is too into his family and doesn't seem to want to put a stop to it for whatever reason. If the two of you get married, you will be #2 in your own marriage and it looks like his sister will be #1. Is that what you want?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 9:06am

hello

before my sister got married, she experienced a similar scanario. my x brother inlaw would spend allot of his time with his mom, sister and friends. he did not grasp the concept that when a guy is married, he spends most of his time with his wife on weekends and on days when he gets to relax and probably in general. that's what your situation sounds like. i think from what you said, this guy is not ready for marriage. my sister is now divorced. save yourself attorney and paralegal fees in a divorce situation. i advise you don't marry this guy.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:23am

Mermaid,


What you've described here is an emotional triangle and you aren't part of it.


The red flags I see here are:


"The man that I am going to marry has not had a serious relationship like we have and has had the habit of hanging out at his mothers & his sister & his niece are around as well."


Gee, I wonder why he hasn't had a "serious" realtionship before? Could it be the women he's dated prior saw what you see and decided to go bye bye?


"I

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:26am
I am going through the same problem. My husband has a sister that is like his wife. He spends most of his time at her house which is 30 minutes away from us and her son lives at our house, because she want to be alone and is not capable of taking care of her child. He is now 8 and we lived with her mom in African until he was 6 and he has being living with us for two years.I am now looking into getting a divorce, because i cannot take it anymore. It was not like this when we got together and now it is killing our marriage. I would tell you to make sure you get it taken off before you get marry or it will not change.Let me know how is works out.