New Year/Same MIL
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| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:58am |
Hi everyone!
Well, my husband and I certainly welcome the new year like never before. We had such an emotional year in 2006 dealing with his family. MIL made comments to me about our kids and I confronted her about it....bad move on my part. Especailly since I didn't have hubby on the phone to witness. I thought we could discuss the issue like two adult women. Well, she totally twisted the whole conversation and put words in my mouth. She has even told hubby that I am aggressive and disrespectful to which he doesn't believe, thank GOD. Anyone that knows me knows me know that is so not true, however it hurts that someone thinks of me that way. Hubby thinks she said this because she has done and said the same things about others in the family and they just ignore her and stay away. Well, I couldn't do that....it was our kids and other things she always seems to have negative comments about. It was awful and hurtful. I absolutely do not trust her and feel like I need a witness when speaking to her. His mother has is one who twists things to make herself seem like a victim and at time just outright lies, again so she can be the victim. She thinks she can say anything to us and we should "know her heart". Well, hubby confronted her about that and has told her that she has to take responsibilty for our words and she didn't like that.She is overbearing and thinks her way is always the right way. Nothing is ever good enough for her.
We live about 400 miles away and I have always made sure they've had pictures of the grandkids on a regular basis and have the kids make special projects and mail to them. Really, trying to bridge the distance gap. We have gone home every year for the last 11 year using vacation time that we can otherwise use for our own family's enjoyment. Hubby and I are really fed up and are considering not even going home this year. I feel like I've given so much, that I have nothing left to give especially if I'm going to be treated like this. I honestly have no desire to make these efforts anymore.
My questions is:
How do I move forward and honor her as the kids grandmother and my husband's mother while trying not to well....hate her? She has alienated everyone in the family for various reasons and I guess I can add myself to the list. I've learned that she has done the same things to other family members and they just stay away unless they need her to do something.
Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated. I really yearn for a peaceful year.

Kids don't need toxic people to "honor". People who act like your MIL are not worthy of "honor".
Personally, if DH wants to send photos, and you don't care, then let him handle it. But, plan a vacation that you want to go on. I can relate. We have never taken a vacation that didn't involve staying at a family member's home, etc. Especially when we lived away from the ILS.
I have told my husband that once we move away from them again, which will be soon I hope, I will not be coming back unless I want to. None of them have ever traveled to see us and even now, no one has been to our home and we live within 45 min of most of them.
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Edited 1/3/2007 9:55 pm ET by cl-mugalug
How do you move forward? I think that if I were in your shoes, this is a question I would pose to my husband. He knows her. I feel he bears primary responsibility to set the tone for the relationship between his family and his mom. Tell him that you would really love his advice, and trust him to do the right thing.
(Um, unless you have proof that you cannot trust him in this matter? That's up to you.)
Good luck.
Well, you asked about what you can do, so I imagine that you don't want to/can't just ignore her or stop communicating with her. I would try to keep it to a minimum -- keep sending the pics and the kids' artwork. Maybe talk on the phone if your husband is also on the phone, you know, "WE wanted to call and say 'hi.'" I would not reach out to her at this point. I think that what really needs to happen is that you and your husband need to be on the same page with things. It sounds like you mostly are. This is a time when he can protect and comfort you. I wouldn't raise the kids to worship this woman, but to treat her like a grandma and love her because she is that. If they grow up and want nothing to do with her, fine. And of course don't let her take anything out on them or manipulate them. Maybe you could invite her for the next family get-together, with the realization that she probably won't come. That's another thing -- parents who have the physical means have to be willing to make the trek to their kids'. Then at least you offered. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your vacation time for this miserable woman.
She sounds like a sorry person. It's a shame that some parents think that the world revolves around them. Some people get to a certain age and think that because they have their AARP card, the world must stop for them. I wish that she could put herself in your shoes. I guess she won't.
Hi Southerngirl!
I agree with mom2danjam in that you don't need to honor someone who doesn't deserve to be honored. Your MIL made comments about you to your kids. That is uncalled for and totally out of line. Your MIL doesn't need to be honored as a grandparent, since she cannot honor you as the mother.