help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
help please
12
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:43am

hey everyone, i would really appreciate any input on this situation!

i am thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend because i find myself becoming more and more jealous of his three sisters and 2 year old niece. we just found out that one of his other sisters is now pregnant as well and is due in september.. she is only 19.. at a time when i should be happy.. i am finding myself dreading the fact that my boyfriend is going to get another niece.. if it's a nephew that will be fine. whenever he brings up his sisters or niece, i find myself becoming angry and immeadiately thinking that he sexually is interested in them. i HATE feeling like this but it won't stop.. i know i need to go to counselling to talk this out but what can i do right now to end these horrible feelings.. this is the main problem for me.. other then that everything is great.. but it's getting to the point where i feel like i cannot deal with it anymore.. i would hate to end a 3 year relationship based on something like this..

please help :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alovescene
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:16pm
What makes you think that he is sexually interested in them? Does he say or do something to make you think this? Without more details its hard to give my opinion.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:48am

no he doesn't specifically do anything to make me think this but i just do.. doesn't make sense i know..

just if he even talks about them.. or for instance the other day he said about his two year niece.. " she's just so cute, how could you not love her" so.. then i automatically think.. "oh he wants her".. i just feel like breaking up with him and ending it. i cannot deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:00pm
You need to see a professional counselor, IMHO, and work this out before going any further in your relationship with your boyfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:32pm

"I know i need to go to counseling to talk this out but what can i do right now to end these horrible feelings."

Your feelings are your feelings. No one can stop them. You are going to have them. What is important to your life and your relationships is that you not ACT on just your feelings. Keep control. Think before you leap, and behave appropriately to the situation.

Some people might find some small relief in forcing themselves to act counter to the feelings, but this is hard to do. If you wish to try it, then the next time you are having one of these fits - try telling him that his nieces are lucky to have such a devoted uncle, and give him a big kiss. Again, this wouldn't work for everyone, and it may feel really fake to you the first dozen times you do it. Whether you can stick to it and see some success is entirely up to you, and how hard you work at it.

Do you truly have no reason to suspect that your BF is overly interested in his nieces? He has shown no suspicious behaviors? If this is all just coming from inside of YOU, then I agree that counseling may be helpful for you. If you find it too hard to keep seeing him and keep yourself under control, then maybe a break is in order. That is up to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:20pm

thanks everyone for helping me out i really appreciate it..

i just wanted to know if this is normal, does anyone feel a little bit jealous over your husband/boyfriend's sisters or mother or nieces? and if not, why..

thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:37pm
What you have said: being jealous of a 2 year old, is not normal. I think that you should definitely see a counsellor as soon as you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:13pm
There is nothing normal about feelings of jealousy concerning a boyfriend's or husband's sisters, nieces, etc. You need to see a professional to talk about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:16pm

Has your boyfriend given you a reason to think that he is sexually interested in is relatives? If so, then I would get out. However, from what you said, he has given you no reason to think that he is a sexual predator. If that is the case (and if you are in doubt, I'd really think about it, becuase instinct is powerful), then I agree that you need counseling and to figure out what this jealousy is. Without help, I don't think that the feelings you are mentioning will stop, and they will not only destroy this relationship, but they will destroy future relationships.

I think that you need to ask yourself why you are jealous. You asked if others are jealous of the relationships their SOs have with female family members. Here's my opinion on this. Sure, there are times we all get jealous of the time or connection that a SO may have with family or friends (male or female, relative or not). We want the SO to ourselves. But, we untimately dismiss this idea. That is because 1) we know it's unhealthy (does anyone really want a SO who has no life or no compassion for others?) and 2) we want to have friends and family outside the relationship as well. I mean, you probably don't want your SO to tag along with you and your girlfriends when you get your nails done. And you probably don't want him hanging around if you and your mom are baking a pie, for instance. He may want to hang out with his family without you. It might even bore you to be around them all the time. So it's healthy to let him go do his thing and for you to do your own at times. If you are secure enough in YOURSELF, then you will be secure in a HEALTHY relationship, and you will not feel this jealousy when he spends time with female family members or compliments them. So I would say that we all feel pangs of jealousy at times, but that it's not necessarily only with women and it does not dominate the relationship. Just remind yourself, he is not out looking at other women, these are his sisters. If you and your boyfriend had a child together or a special event you were celebrating, you would want them to call you and support you. Think of the last time that you complimented your dad. Do you think that your boyfriend got upset? Why or why not? What would you say to him if he did? How would his sister feel if he never complimented her child? Maybe you should also ask if you are jealous of his connection to them or of something that these particular women have. From what you said, it sounds like his connection to them, because I'm not sure that a 2-year-old has anything you don't. :) I think it's very powerful that you recognize that this is unhealthy. In a good relationship, there should first be you and your SO (if it progresses to that level), but there should always be enough love for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:38pm

Do you think the reason you are jelouse of a two year old might be that your boyfriend is spending more time with her than you? Or is it just that you think he's sexually interested in her? You really need to sort out your feelings before you break up with him. It would be stupid to end a 3 year relationship based on assumptions. Ask yourself the following questions.

1. What is the main reason for your jealousy?
2. When and how did this start (think back to an event that might've taken place to cause this behavior of yours)
3. What really triggers your jealousy?
4. Do you think the two year old is prettier or better than you in anyway?
5. Why do you think your boyfriend would be interested in her sexually? (be honest)

I know its a lot of questions but they will help you sort out your feelings. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now and I used to have the same jealousy towards his mom after about a year into our relationship. The reason for that was that his dad didn't spend much time at home because of his busy schedule so my boyfriend would have to step in and play the dad role. I hated that and it made me jealouse because I thought he was being a husband to his mom and a father to his younger brother. This makes him a responsible man but at the time I wasn't thinking with a clear head. Even when his dad was home he didn't care much about spending any time or doing anything special for his wife so he pretty much neglected her. My boyfriend's mom would ask him to watch movies with her and grocery shop and go to luch with her because his dad was never available for her. He would even have to take care of her while she was sick and his dad would be watching TV or doing something else. I dealt with it in the beginning but later it started to annoy me. One day I had a dream about her having sex with my boyfriend and that's when it got really crazy. I had this anger towards her and it drove me crazy. There's nothing wrong with him spending time with his family but sometimes there are somethings are more appropriate for a husband rather than a son, such as taking care of his wife when she's sick especially when the husband is alive. Do you ladies agree/disagree with that? Please let me know. Anyway I knew she wasn't attracted to her son sexually but I felt threatened by her vonerability for male attention. This will sound crazy to any normal person but i know its a feeling no woman ever want to have so I can understand what you must be going through.

I didn't go to counseling but I had to let my boyfriend know how I felt about the issue. I was strait forward and honest and he understood and respected my feelings. I asked him to back off a bit and not take so much responsibility for his family. I said to him, Your mom has a husband who's alive and well and let him take care of his wife and son, when we get married are you gonna try to be a husband to your mom or to me? This may sound mean but I wasn't willing to let his mom make me jealous in any way shape or form. I needed his help though, and he was very understanding. I'm sure just like me you want to be 100% satisfied and happy in your relationship with your boyfriend. You can't possibily make a long life commitment to anyone while still feeling like that. You really need to figure out what it is that your feeling. I hope my story helped a little bit. Let us know how your coming along with this issue. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: alovescene
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:48pm

Welcome Alovescene!

Has your bf given you a reason to think that he thinks of his sisters and nieces in a sexual way? If not, then it sounds like it is something that you have to deal with on your own and should pursue getting professional help for it. If your bf has given you a reason to think that he has sexual feelings towards his sisters and nieces, then it sounds like you need to find another boyfriend.

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