Why does battles ever occur?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Why does battles ever occur?
14
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:59pm
I have been reading everyone's posts and I have posted myself about their in-laws or future in-laws. What I don't get is...How do we get where we are? Personally, I liked my bf's parents and sister they turned on me. They don't always make it intention but their are little remarks that I am sure used to show my place. Like this Christmas my boyfriend and I bought our own presents for his family and grandparents from just us. We went over to his grandparents house with his mother, father, and sister to give the grandparents the presents. The grandfather was opening them and asked who was this one from. She goes, "They are from all of us"...and then rephrases herself "They are from the 4 of us" Little things like that really bothers me. My mother has even written his name on cards that we have sent to people. I know the turning point with the sister but I have yet to figure out the turning point when his mother turned on me. I was just curious if any of you remember when things changed or was there always tension?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:59am

"How do we get where we are?"

I know exactly what you mean edcuoco :) I've been trying to figure that out for the longest. Where did it all go wrong? I think for me it was after a year and a half of dating my boyfriend when his mom started being mean and unreasonale towards me. She expected me and my boyfriend to please her with all our decision. She also become controling and tried to control every aspect or our relationship. Whenever me and my boyfriend decided to go out on a date she'd give him a bunch of chores to do around the house just to annoy me and to delay our plans. (can't wait til he moves out of there) She also tried to tell him negative things about me that weren't true. It become really annoying when she didn't introduce to as his girlfriend. I was introduced to people as her son's friend. She knew perfectly well who I was to her son. Of course I didn't put up with that and my boyfriend had a talk with her about that. Few months later she grew out of it and began to accept our relationship again. But every once in a while she still has those moments. I guess that's the way it is. So I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes I think the in-laws are just as confused and frustrated as we are.
"was there always tension"
No not always but from time to time there will be, I guess thats a natural part of life. Honestly, I think life would be a lot easier if MILs could accept things the way they were and didn't try to change so much. My boyfriend doesn't have any sisters so I don't have to worry about any conflicts with a future SIL (thank God) his mom is enough to deal with. Don't get me wrong i do get along with her and consider her my family but like I said there will always be tension from time to time.




Edited 1/5/2007 4:21 pm ET by b3utiful22
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:05pm

My MIL and I got along wonderfully when DH and I were dating and throughout the planning of our wedding. However, after we said "I do" and moved into our first home, she had the mistaken impression that she was somehow in competition with my family. At this point, MIL lived 3 hours away and my parents were an hour away. My parents made frequent visits for the day or just stopped by on their way through our city to one south of us to visit my sister. When MIL came, she would stay for the weekend or even longer. She seemed to have a problem with the fact that my dad would come to visit and possibly mow the grass for DH while he was still at work or that I would ask for my mother's help with decorating, etc. Things were fairly subtle at that point. Although, I learned really quickly that she was quizing DH about who was visiting, how often, what we did while they were there, etc. and planting seeds that she was being "pushed out of his life". Nothing could have been further from the truth, but that was her perception and "what we fear, we create", as Dr. Phil says.

There were the annoying things during her visits that I had a hard time with like rearranging my furniture, closets or cabinets to suit herself. After I would spend hours cleaning before one of her visits, she would swoop in and re-clean everything, making me feel I was totally inadequate. I knew better. I was not a "young" bride and had lived on my own for years before I married. DH had always gotten along well with my family and they adore him. His mother became increasingly jealous of his relationship with my family -- even profoundly jealous of my 3 year old niece who spent a lot of time with us -- and began saying things to him that would make him feel he was being disloyal to her by loving my family. (Granted, he was immature in that he could not or did not just tell her to mind her own business or ignore her, but she is his mother and he, her only child. His father was deceased before he and I met. He had not lived in the same town with her for almost 10 years when we married.) The more she expected us to cater to her exclusively, the more I resisted and pulled away from her.

When I became pregnant with our first child, MIL absolutely lost it. She was consumed with jealousy and this irrational fear that I hated her and would never let her see the baby. She has obsessive, compulsive tendencies and was totally irrational about a lot of things. During this time, I was accused of ruining her health (high blood pressure) and other absurdities any time I would decline an invitation, a gift, or refuse to do whatever it was she wanted me to do. DH still had not learned that he did not need to share every aspect of our life with her. It was none of her business how often my parents or sisters visited or how often we visited them, yet she was totally preoccupied with our life and thought we were responsible for her happiness or lack thereof. She was pushy and overbearing, ignoring me when I said "no" to anything and generally ran over me like a steamroller.

This was how our conflict began. Years later, she admitted that she hated me for not allowing her to move in with us and keep my baby while I went back to work. (I chose to stay home with my children.) She also admitted that she had spent years trying to destroy our marriage so she could raise my son the way she thought he needed to be raised. I really think in our case that the woman has mental problems, hardening of the arteries, or early stages of alsheimers or something. Friends of the family who have known DH's family for a long time, tell me she has always been controlling and combative with family and friends. She severed relationships with DH's father's family shortly after we married because they did not do to suit her and viewed us as disloyal to her if we had contact with them. I just was not brought up this way. It was definitely an eye-opening experience and DH and I would not still be together had he not agreed to counseling with me.




Edited 1/5/2007 1:58 pm ET by fluffy42052
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 3:26pm

It has been hard for me to determine what I did to deserve the wrath of my MIL, but this is my best guess.

My MIL always had both sons around for holidays. Their former girlfriends either had family in the local area or were not speaking to their family. So the girlfriends and sons would always be at MIL's. My family lives two states away. After my mother passed away one October, my future husband and I went to visit my father the following Christmas. The next year we also went to see my father at Christmas. Remember, my future husband was here the rest of the year for birthdays, random gatherings and every other holiday. After that first Christmas things gradually changed. At first I told myself I must have been imagining it, but I wasn't. If we aren't at their house on Christmas Day, we do not get presents. If we are there, I always get kitchen items. Which doesn't seem bad, except for a comment MIL had made in the past. She did not get along with BIL girlfriend and did not want to buy her a Christmas present. MIL told me she decided to get girlfriend kitchen stuff because BIL could also use it and when girlfriend used it BIL would still be getting benefit. This is just one example of a lot of petty junk. Anyway, now it has gotten to the point that at this years Thanksgiving, no one even acknowledged my presence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:16pm

"...this years Thanksgiving, no one even acknowledged my presence."

So, next year they will be denied your presence, yes? Your DH will "take you" somewhere that you (and he) will be not only acknowledged, but welcomed?

Your DH did not think it okay for his wife to be ignored, did he?

ilve2read

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:31pm

Ed,


Relationships with families is interesting isn't it? We fall in love with a

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:04am

I know exactly when the turning point was. My MIL and I got along great the first time that I met her. She left her family here in the US and moved to Germany. We met while my DH and I were still dating. She and her boyfriend came to the US to marry. When she returned to Germany after a few weeks here, she began emailing me. Every email contained some kind of put-down about my DH. I defended him (of course) and she hated it. MIL complained because DH moved back here and didn't stay and take care of her other children. It wasn't his job. He is not their parent. When we first started planning the wedding, she told me that she wanted to be involved with the planning. So I would send her emails telling her everything that was going on and asking her opinion on things. Was she thankful that I was trying to involve her? No, she complained that all I did was talk about the wedding. She complained that while she was here in the US that DH didn't make time for her. I'm sorry. It's not like he has no job and can just pick up and do whatever he wants. We went to see her plenty of times. Her real problem was that he brought me along. She didn't want to see me, she wanted to see him. MIL complains that DH spends too much time with my family. Of course he does. My family is very close. We spend a lot of time together. My family doesn't jump on him about everything that he does. My family doesn't put him down. MIL complains that DH never calls anyone in his family. He used to call them all the time. No one ever called him back. He would leave messages and they would go unanswered. After so many years of trying to keep in contact with your family and them not doing anything, who could blame him for not trying anymore. If they wanted to see or talk to him they all know our phone number. They chose not to call. MIL stated that she wanted to know what was going on in our lives. DH would never call or send her an email so I decided to do it. That wasn't good enough. She actually told him that "she should not have to hear about her son's life through his soon to be wife". Nothing I do is good enough for that woman. I finally quit communicating with her all together. If she has no idea what is going on in her son's life, it is not my fault. We received an email from her shortly after Thanksgiving complaining that "neither of you have tried to bury the hatchet. Neither of you have sent me a picture in over two years etc.." I guess since she has seen that her son is not going to keep her informed on our life that it is now okay for me to do it. I refuse. I tried to do that to begin with but she didn't want it that way.

DH says that she has always been that way and that no one has ever told her that it is not okay to treat people that way. I guess in a nutshell you could say that things went bad when she started complaining about anything and everything and I would not sit back and listen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:14pm

>>>Second, I think the way people behave is greatly influenced by how they were treated. I tend to believe the MILs behaving badly are themselves women who suffered abuse by their MILs decades before. It would take a lot of self-awareness and discipline not to repeat that pattern with the next generation.<<<

My MIL is like this, with one difference from what you describe: she recognized the pattern and told me that she will continue to treat me badly and expects me to tolerate it like she did. :-/

To the OP: The turning point in my relationship with my in-laws took place when my husband (at the time boyfriend) and I announced that we were moving across the country where he had gotten a job and I would finish school. I don't think they cared much for me before, but as Wisdom said, I wasn't much of a threat as a gf and this ramped up the stakes in the power game. Also, they weren't prepared for my husband to make the final steps toward becoming an adult...graduating school, starting his career, and moving away from home (and away from their control and influence). So most of their anger and frustration was directed at me rather than at their beloved son. Unfortunately some of the things they said aren't things I can forgive and forget. I guess that is where I failed in my relationship with them.

Anyway, I think many people use their in-laws as scapegoats for other family issues. I think that is often at the root of the cases where an in-law blames the husband or wife for "changing" or controlling their spouse and getting flack from the in-laws for it. It's easier for parents, and wives even, to blame other people for problems rather than their son or husband.

http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:12pm
I think battles inevitably occur between the women in the husbands family and the wife. When I fist got married over a year ago the mum and sister promised to take care of me as a daughter/sister but jealousy always prevails. My hubby used to wait on them hand and foot both physically and financially and got no recogniton at all. Now that I am here his priortiy is me and they get jealous. Well thats just tough. I know how you feel and be assured you are not alone. Just keep your chin up and dont let anyone walk all over you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:55pm

I can definetly relate to what you are saying. The problem is that there has always been tension with my MIL and my husband's aunt. I think that the reason the tension is obvisious is for the simple fact that I married the youngest. I am strong willed and I have stood my ground with my Dh's family for 6 yrs. They makes smart, rude remarks because they don't think that we are good enough for their son or some other bs reason like that. I think that it is very stupid and immature on their part, but unfortunately we have to deal with it until we say I do. Then you stand yoru ground firmly. Don't back down from the evil inlaws for anything.

Good luck
Laura

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:27pm

Rev,


Hi. Just a quick follow up to your post.


(My MIL is like this, with one difference from what you describe: she recognized the pattern and told me that she will continue to treat me badly and expects me to tolerate it like she did. )


Ah....NO. You aren't required to "tolerate" with anything.

Pages