Help - MIL Etiquette Questions!
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-05-2007 - 2:51pm |
Hi, I'm new here and I need advice. I've been married for 2 1/2 years to a great guy, and overall, I'm very happy. I do have some questions about dealing with my mother in law though. SORRY IN ADVANCE THAT THIS STORY IS SO LONG!
I met the family for the first time about 1 1/2 years before my husband and I got engaged. The first meeting went very well. After that and since then, it seems like my husband's MIL has cooled to me. We don't live in the same city as my inlaws, but we see them about 5 or 6 times a year. From the second meeting on, his mother made somewhat rude comments to me, only when my husband wasn't around. When my husband's around, she's on best behavior. Also she's very passive agressive so the comments tended to be "little digs" not major things. I get along well with the rest of the family, so I did mention these things to my husband but didn't make a major deal of it.
After we got married, my husband and I opened a joint bank account. I've always worked very hard, sometimes 2 jobs, but my husband has mostly been unemployed and relied heavily on his family for money. Between all the relatives, they probably send him more than $20,000 in cash gifts a year, mostly from mom. I think this has been very damaging to him because they've been enabling him not to work and because of it, he has no skills or self esteem. If you have no incentive, why work? This upset me a lot because I felt they were undermining his progress as an adult. Recently, he has gotten a job though and seems to be showing more responsibility. Even so, the checks keep on coming, at Xmas, birthdays, sometimes for no reason at all. My family doesn't have anywhere near the money they do and will usually send a few hundred dollars at Christmas, but that's it.
About a year ago, I quit my full time job and started freelancing and haven't been making as much money as I used to, so we were both living off of his parents' gifts a bit. I think his parents resented me for that, though. I don't know. I have been working very hard, a lot harder than their son, but I think they don't like the idea of any of their money going to me. Anyway, I'm going back to full time soon, so this won't be a problem anymore.
I also get this impression because every check they make out is only to their son (my husband) without my name on it or any reference to me in the card. I could understand if it was a birthday check but several of them have been for Christmas. Money wise, it all goes into the same account anyway, but I'm upset because I feel insulted that they don't include me. I feel like they're sending a message that this money is for him only and not for me. When my parents send a check, although it's a much more modest amount, they make it out to both of us because we're a married couple.
Can anyone give me advice on this? What's the etiquette for this sort of thing? Do most parents continue to cut Xmas checks to their child only once the child is married, with no mention of the spouse in the card? I don't want to overreact, but I do think that, in general, my MIL believes that no one could be good enough for her son because he's perfect. I also think she's a little jealous of me. Plus, I'm the polar oppositie of my MIL in personality, appearance, everything. I love my husband but it's weird to be married to someone who has so much more family money than I do. It makes me feel like they're protecting themselves from me, or something.
Thanks!

Hopefully some open communication with him about your feelings will help. Do you feel that your inlaws are "buying stock" into your marriage relationship or they are trying to control you with large gifts of money?
Hi Mollyinfl, welcome!
Your DH's family has $$$ to burn, so it looks like they send him a lot of $$. Maybe they don't include you because they are really only sending the $$ to him. If he chooses to share it with you, that is his business. Also, maybe they never thought of putting your name on the check. Some families are just like that. I know when my MIL gets a gift she will say it was from my DH, even though she knows it was from the two of us. No big deal. I'm used to it.
As for the $$ and that they aren't including you on the check, do you want their $$? Or is it the principle that they should include your name on the check? You can talk to your DH about it. However, it is really his family's decision who they write the check out to since it is their $$.
Follow me to:
I think the thing to do would be to thank your DH's family for their gifts. When you guys get a card in the mail for what should be a joint occasion, outside of birthdays and what not, I'd call or write them to thank them that the two of you really appreciated their gift. That you always make sure to ask him to thank them for you also but this time you wanted to thank them also. Then keep it up. Kill them with kindess if they are doing it to hurt you. If they are just not thinking about putting your name on the checks then it may make it dawn on them to do so.
But don't be too sensitive. I get along great with my MIL & FIL but on the rare times we get checks from them their always in one of our name, usually his even though they know im the one that handles all of our finances and that i will prob be the one going to deposit the check.
Also I'd put off creating any waves while you are relying on their generosity, but make sure your grecious even if its only intended for him, since you are regardlessly benefitting.
"Two, you can put the money in a separate account and save it to apply to a vacation or something else for the two of you to enjoy. Send a note thanking them and tell them that you are saving the money for future use. If they are sending the money with malicious intentions, this will show them that what they want is not happening. If they are sending the money with good intentions, then they will be pleased to see that you are getting something useful out of it."
I LIKE this suggestion.
ilve2read