Mother in Law

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Mother in Law
7
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:54pm
Okay so my mother in law is at it again. She is constantly making comments regarding my baby and what my husband and I do and how we do it. At Christmas it was one thing after another. The car seat strap is too tight, get him off the floor, you're using Pampers not Huggies, you're holding him wrong, he doesn't need a pacifier, etc. With her it is one thing after another and it's really starting to wear on me. I try to let it go in one ear and out the other but it is something all the time with her. Now the baby is on medicine for reflux and she doesn't approve because she's never heard of it. I am at my wit's end. She makes me feel like I don't know how to take care of my baby. We live 200 miles away (Thank GOD!) but she is still a nuisance. I am thinking about writing her a letter and explaining to her how she is making me feel with her comments but am afraid it will just make matters worse. My husband said we need to confront her one way or the other but I'm afraid it will just make it worse. Writing a letter would be easiest for me as I tend to get a little overheated when face to face confrontations. What do you all think? Should I write the letter? Any other ideas on how to handle this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:04pm

Sure write your MIL the letter, but don't send it. What ever you do don't send it. It will only backfire on you. It will only give her evidence of how disrespectful of her BTDT knowledge or whatever negative way she will spin it.


I know how you're feeling. I hope you know though that you aren't alone in your feelings. All new mothers who aren't exactly swimming in their mothering confidence feel this way when someone says something about how/what they're doing in regards to mothering.


Really I hope you just let it go in one ear and out the other. Take deep breaths. Smile and be the broken record saying "thanks, I'll take that into consideration" or "thanks, we'll think about that" or "as his mother, it's my perrogative" or "thanks for your concern". Whether it's because she's wanting to feel needed or in control it doesn't matter. Smile, say thanks followed by some put off blank statement, and then do whatever you damned well please.


As your confidence in your mommy skills increases, it'll become easier to tune her out. Just look at it as practicing your patience, something you'll want to emulate for your son to learn.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:25pm
Since you live 200 miles away, why is it necessary for MIL to know everything about the baby? I think I would be guarded about what she is told in telephone conversations. There is no reason for her to know enough details of your life to have the amunition to complain about what you do or how you do it. I don't think I would send a letter -- it is something in writing that could be used against you or the spirit with which you write it misconstrued.
Since your DH is on board about how discouraging and irritating his mother can be, I would suggest just placing more boundaries. Don't tell her every detail of your lives, limit the time you are with her. When you are around her, make sure you and DH are there together as a united front and support for each other and your life decisions.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:39pm
I agree. She doesn't need to know every detail of your lives. My mil also didn't believe that my son had reflux. She wasn't around when he was fed so she didn't even have a clue. I would start limiting visits and not talking on the phone as long. This was what started some of the problems that I had with mil with my first. Trust me its not worth it. You are not obligated to talk to her so try not too that much.

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Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:12pm
I don't have kids, but I do hear it from my future MIL about other things. My boyfriend said that I should make conversations short and sweet. He suggested calling while I'm at work and sort of pre-planning what I'm going to say. Then he said I should say, "Well, lunch is almost over, gotta go." You could call from your car (or pretend) and say, "I'm at the grocery store now, gotta run," or whatever. I would also maybe send more pics and not go into details as much about the reflux or diapers, etc. She probably thinks that she is helping. Then when you and your husband see her next, he could casually mention that you and he have it under control. Or he could call her and say this. I would let him lead the conversation so that it doesn't come back to bite you on the butt. (My boyfriend also does this. Occasionally he will call his mom and tell her that we appreciate her help but that I have it under control and that it makes him feel badly when she volunteers all this advice.) She has never faulted me for his words. And he does sit nicely, just as a gentle reminder. Hopefully your MIL would do the same. Every few months he has to remind her that we are adults.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 7:46pm

Jellybean2677:

A letter sint a bad idea but if your mother-in law is like you say she is thenshe's probably going to be like "She couldnt confront me, she had to write a letter?!" You are a grown woman and in my opinion a letter isnt for you anymore. It isnt the right way (in my opinion) to handle this situation. You seem to have talked this over with your husband and that is great for it is the first step. The next step is to confront your mother-in law afce to face next time you see her, u and your husband need to sit down and you have to tell her how you feel, ask her what have u done wrong to her. Be firm when you talk to her. Your husband should be there backing you up because if he does than she will think "my son think so too,wow." That will certainly make her think. You must tell her that you would apreciate it if she respected the way you raise you child and that instead of telling you what to do she should give you advice. So talk about all the little problems, and be firm, dont make her think, you're asking her, you are telling her. I think that, a talk with you, her and your husband should do it. If thats not enough then sorry but your mother in law has a serious problem that doesnt have to do with you, she might have a problem where her son is a man and she might miss feeding him,changing his diapers, so thats why she might be reacting like that, it could just be a maternal thing..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:01pm

I agree that writing a letter probably won't help you in solving this problem, at least if you are still wanting to maintain a distant relationship with your MIL. The reason I agree is that just a couple of months ago, I DID write a very long letter trying to explain my hurt feelings. And you guessed it, it went way bad. The only good that came out of it was that I was very much able to express myself without getting down right mean. The letter took me days to write, and I was so careful to be firm but kind. However, MIL wasn't able to refrain from calling me names and saying how I tore the family apart. That did give me the "proof" that I needed for my husband to take notice of how bad my relationship was with MIL (we have been married for 10 years, yet he kept his head turned to what was really going on.)

Anyway, writing a letter may help you explain what you feel, but you will be blamed for being disrespectful (or any adjective your MIL would use), and you will still feel badly. Try to take comfort in the fact that your DH is behind you, and possibly have him vocalize some great traits about you to his mother. MILs can't argue with their babies, and seeing him happy with you should be enough for her to back off.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:46am
DH needs to be the one to talk to his mother. As annoying as it is, she prob does mean well. He needs to tell her that you guys have being parents taken care of. That you really appreciate how helpfull she is trying to be, but you guys would feel that she is second guessing your decisions as parents.. and that it bothers the both of you. And that if she wants to help she could... That i'm sure will get a much better response than writing a letter and or telling her off.