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| Sun, 01-07-2007 - 10:24pm |
Ok we made it through another Christmas.
You see dh is from a large family of 11 kids.His immediate family is over 100 now. He really missed Christmas with everyone.He didn't want to go this year because of how they treat my kids(which he calls his own now.
So anyway today dh gets the mail and there was an envelope from my step daughter.All it had in it was two pictures of our grandson. No letter, just his name and date on the pictures.These were mailed on the third...but taken in november.Our grandson was 2 on the 29th of dec.We have only seen him 4 times.Not of our choice.
The envelope was sent on the 3rd of January, from the lawyers office she works at.
Dh wrote her a letter this summer asking why she never will see us, and how much it hurts.
She wrote back...a horrible letter(this fall). Now this envelope.So I have the feeling their is trouble just around the next corner.
Her , her mother and dh's family have a lot to do with my breakdown in 2000.
My step daughter and step son at one time were close....now


I can relate to your story as my family
You are right.I know we would not be at this point if dh stood up for us, and laid things on the line for his whole family.
Dh has never told any of the his that he loved or hated any of them more or less. We have always tried to make sure that they were treated as equals. My step kids would not help with meals at all while here.My kids have always had chores. So while my step kids were here I did all the chores , as we noticed there were hard feelings.
I have done all I can think of to make them feel welcome.When we all first got together I was looking for bikes to keep at out house for all the kids.I didn't think it was fair for mine to have and not everyone. Not good enough.Dh's ex phoned to tell me her kids were his first and they deserved brand new bikes at our home....even though nobody had new ones.
Grants ex was horrible. She switched weekend without notice, or just showed up and took them. I was really hard to make anything work.
Dh's son hasn't talked to us since 97.His mom stopped all communication. We talked to him at his(my son's school too) and his ex found out.She called the cops.(she has a visitation agreement that was reasonable access apon reasonable notice...he idea of it, so it turned out)
My step daughter started talking to us 3 years ago. When it was convenient. We would call her and leave messages, and she wouldn't return them.
Now my step daughter has a husband and son.They married in the Dominican Republic. We found out after.Her mom
While I haven't been in your situation, I've been a kid stuck in a world of parents and step-parents and more importantly in YOUR kids situation. My mom and Dad thankfully seperated when I was around five. I also have 2 brothers. A few years later my mom met my step-dad. He had a boy and two girls. They all lived with their mother. Till she beat the crap outta her son, and he moved in with us. A few years later she beat the crap outta one of the girls, and she moved in with us. My step-dad and I never got along. Mainly because his kids were treated like Gold in our house outta fear that they would go/stay at their mothers. They were never punished they never had chores ect. Even though they were spoiled as hell at their mothers house and at our house we had almost nothing, they still got whatever we got. Even though most of the time they never lived with us. My brothers and I never saw our Dad because of his choice to disappear. It wasnt until I was 18 that I saw my dad agian. My step-dads ex made our lives hell. All of our money seemed to go to child support for his kids, all family events were scheduled around his kids and when his ex would let us see them, i didnt get to have a 13th brithday because it was visitation night so we had one hour at the mall food court. It was miserably unfair. I say this so maybe you have some prespective on what your own kids are feeling. I know you love you SD and SS, but you have to let them go until they are ready. My mom always treated my SBro and Ssis's like they were her own. Sbro never had anything to do with his mother after she hit him. Sis's both went back to their mother after they were bribed and allowed to do anything they wanted over there. We are all older now. The youngest in high school, im married and on my own. a year and a half ago my step dad passed away very suddenly. Ssis's disappeared, and now talk crap about us. And step-bro decided to talk to his mother agian so that he could have a relationship with his sister. Well now he's disappeared too. They only show up when they need something and they cant get it from anyone else. Step-bro has a fiance that LOVEs his Mother, and has with his mother conviced even him whose lived with us and called my mom mom for the last 10 years that we are trash, and this and that.
My advice to you is to not worry about them. Let them come to you when they are ready. But do not change your lives for them!! It is affecting your children more than you know. DH should be there for his kids if they want to talk to him but their must be boundries and respect. I would always remain cordial to them, invite them for special events ect. But dont expect much in return. Don't delay the cake cutting, and special events for them. If they show great, if not maybe next time. It hurts. It hurts that I have virtually lost my brother and sisters. But I can't force them to be there and love us. I can pray that one day they wake up and see the lies, but im not going to be a part of their mothers/ and now their games. Thats all it is manipulation and games. Give your children more, they deserve better. If you have a desire to be connected to them, send letters, cards, ect. If you dont get a response or get a negative response turn the other cheek and let it go. You have to understand they have been conditioned to think that way. Lead by virtue and example and one day them may realize the error of their ways.
As for DH's family, I think you are doing the right thing. But the same goes for them. You and DH need to put you and the children who are in your home, and choosing to be their first. Its not fair to them to have their lives full of Drama.
I think all thehead games has been hard on us all.
What is sad
I have not been in your situation, but I have been close to people who don't treat their parents with respect, don't visit, and treated their parents/grandparents with much callousness. Please don't beat yourself up and second guess what you did in the past. It sounds like some mistakes were made by all (as is always the case), and those mistakes are in the past. It is probably good that his kids are grown now so that his ex can't manipulate them quite as much. Not that she's not still manipulating, but at least you aren't emptying out your fridge, playing taxi driver, etc. I think for whatever happens in the future, you and your husband have to agree that although you want a relationship with them, you won't be treated like a doormat. It's nice to do things for someone else, but not to the detriment of your own well-being.
I have seen many many people close to me (who are like family or are family) go through what you are going through. You can't waste your life sitting around and worrying and waiting for them to come around. I think that for your own sanity, you've got to move past this. When they are ready, they will come around. At that time, you can show them love and be there with open arms. But I wouldn't give too much of yourself emotionally until that point. I have seen people I care deeply about constantly hurt by being stood up by their kids or grandkids (after they've spent hours cooking or thousands on plane tickets for them). I've seen people in the hospital waiting for their kid to show up. Working your butt off for their visit only makes it more hurtful when they don't show. It hurts me soooo much for them! I know you understand. But as I've said to them -- you've got to go on with your own life! It may take years for them to come around. And the thing is, I know deep down inside that these people will come around, maybe not until something really shakes them up to the core, but they WILL. I've told them just be patient. They may come back very ashamed. And rather than woo them with gifts and praise, I would just tell them that the past is in the past, that you've missed them, and that it's OK.
Please try not to worry. I've seen this worry make people I care about sick and depressed. Life is too short for this. Get involved in your own life and your life with your kids and husband. Try to forget them until they are ready to come back into your life.
we already did the past is the past stuff, and i thought we agreed not to rehash....but up it came again
What I found out today is that my step daughter left her husband recently.We recieve the pictures of my grandson.I thought it was strange that only her first innital was on the envelope......so I hit the net looking to see if her addy changed.It had.Her addy is now in the city...his still in the country, a block from her mom(she is certifiable).
Anywho, dh talked to his nephew and it seams she is seperated from her spouse.He said her husband was hurting her...we have no idea how(mentally / physically??).
I guess time will tell.Maybe she will call her dad soon???? He wants to give her space and knows he will talk if she phones.We just don't want to add to the pile in her life, if we don't have to.