MIL moved in - now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
MIL moved in - now what?
6
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 7:23am

Hi from a sunny South Africa. New to this site and I think it's great!

Maybe someone out there can relate to my situation?

I've been married for nearly 20 yrs, has DS, aged 14. My marriage and family life is OK - no major crisis.

MIL moved in about 4 months ago. FIL passed away 2 years ago and her health is not too good (heart condition, high blood pressure, diabetes, overweight). She moved in upon Doctor's advice (we were the only choice, from 4 kids most stable environment).

We bought a dwelling which has a two bedroom flatlet separate from the main house to allow her to have her "own place" and some privacy at least. Problem tho is that she has wayyyyyyy too many things which she does not want to let go (very emotional). I do realise that she moved from a 4-bedroomed house and a lot of her things reminds her of her past life and late FIL. I really do have sympathy BUT my house seem to be filling up with her old furniture (some pieces are actually for my SILs, but they do not have space to take these), pots, pans, etc. DH is not actually taking a stance and seem to be OK with my house being used as storage space. MY frustration is growing by the day.

I sometimes feel bad about bitching as MIL's moving in brought along some real positives (watchful eye that DS does not get into any mischief after school, as working mom I come home to cooked meal, etc) and I don't want to be ungrateful. I just think that I had to make alterations and sacrifices to my living arrangements, and she should at least also try from her side to reduce some of her clutter.

She also is an expert at mindgames and emotional blackmail (esp with my SILs). DH usually ignores her emotional outbursts. I'm worried that she will try this with DS. He is quite sensitive and loves her dearly - which makes him an obvious victim.

Advice anyone?

Sunny regards

Elana

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 7:40am

Hi Elana,

I know plenty of South Africans where I'm living right now and it's great to meet another one. How are things down there right now? Warm or chilly?

I've never had this issue with my MIL before because I just can't live with my MIL but I have had these issues with living with friends. I think you need to make it clear to your DH that since you are matriarch of your family, you get a say in what is and isn't in your home. I would establish some clear boundaries with yourself and decide what you can and can't have in your home for you to feel comfortable, and then talk this over with DH and then both of you with MIL.
Anyway, this is just an idea...and don't worry about the bitching. That's why these boards are here in the first place :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 7:59am

Wow! such a quick response!

SA is very nice the past few weeks - very sunny (sometimes too hot me thinks, but perfect swim weather).

Your so right. Will talk with DH tonite - not looking forward to the emotional tantrum when talking over with MIL. But I suppose it has to be done otherwise the situation will simply grow from bad to worse.

EG When I suggested that a kist belonging to my SIL be removed from my bedroom (!), her reaction was to simply put in the already croweded flatlet (why not let it go to its owner for heaven's sake lol).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:57am

Just a quick suggestion, let her "enjoy" the natural consequences of holding on to things. She gets to keep it all in her flatlet. When it is too much for her she'll let things go?

Maybe make the 2nd bedroom more efficient storage? More shelves and pretty boxes?

An idea, anyway.

Good luck to you, and even the happiest relationships create *some* friction, so feel free to vent here without feeling ungrateful for what you have. Just let us know that it is venting, so you don't get lots of unneeded (though usually great!) advice.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:59am
My advice, rent a storage unit if you don't have a garage. Put everything that is duplicate of what you already have, and all of the things unnecessarily in the way into it. Do it yourself because nobody is going to step up and do it for you. This is not complicated, it's annoying. But you signed on for that when you agreed to allow her to move in so you forfit your right to now complain and whine that you got exactly what you knew you'd be agreeing to. (be honest, you've known how this woman opperates for nearly 20 years, you KNEW what crazies she brings with her) She doesn't get a vote. If she wants her stuff so bad she can have it in her own place. Just do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:58pm
I think you are getting plenty of suggestions on the "stuff" issue. Now for your son. It's up to you and your husband to teach him how to deal with emotionally manipulative people. He'll run into others in his life, so he might as well learn how to do it now. Start by getting him to recognize what she's doing and how to keep from giving in to it. And be a model for him by handling the clutter issue before it gets any more out of hand.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 1:35am

Dear all,

Thanks for all your practical advice and suggestions. Your remarks have really given me some things to ponder on.

So right, I have known MIL for 20 yrs so deep down I knew what to expect from this arrangement - no need to complaign, I simply have to manage the situation. Actually I feel more in control already!

Will monitor the situation with DS closely as having a close bond with his grandmother is very special.

Renting space sounds like a wonderful idea!

Thanks guys!