What to do about in-laws.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
What to do about in-laws.
13
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:03am
Why can't in-laws, just mine their own business. I love my family, but my family realize that i have kids and a husband of my own. My mom lives less than five minute from me and i probably see her 5 times a year and 3 times she doesn't even come in. My sister in law on the other hand, lives 30 minute from us and i see her 5 times a week. She just comes and open my door without even knocking.My husband gave her a key, no one in my famiuly have a key. If one of my family members ask me to do something he gets upset. His sister runs him like a taxi cab.What woman do you know that will take care of her sister-in-law son for two years? and she lives 30 minute away form my house, signs his up for activites, drop his off and pick him up from schoola dn after-school activities. Buy his clothes and shoes, because i do not want him to feel lefted ou. What should i do? i am crying while write this, if i knew this was how is was going to be i would have not gotten married.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:14pm

First, tell your SIL that the key she has is for emergency purposes only, and if she comes over, she is a guest and should not barge in as if she owns the place. That it is not her home, and she should knock and be envited in, not come in on her own accord because it bothers you.


I have no idea what you are talking about in the second half of your post about "her sister-in-law son for two years". It makes no sence. Could you clarify?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:05pm
My husband sister is uncapable of taking care of her own child and we are stuck taking care of her child, for the last two years.We take full responsibility for him and weh i tell himsoneed to take care of him he get upset
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 8:54pm

firstly get the key off the girl.

secondly talk to hubby. does he know how you feel. i would sit him down with no other distractions and have a good heart to heart. then re-assess.

hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:00pm
I agree that more talk with hubby is in order. And I want to say: bless you for being there for your nephew. If his mom won't be a mom to him, then I am very glad that he has you. Some people just don't have it in them to give a child the love and care and hard-work that is needed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:28pm
Does your dh know how you feel? If not, it's important that you find a non-judgemental, non-accusational way to tell him. It's taken me a while, but I've come to realize that men arn't mind readers and I know it's not intentional, but we women tend to expect them to realize when something bothers us. If you are crying in secret about this, it's a big deal. If you haven't discussed it with him, then he might not even know the problem exists...especially if this is the way it's always been. Now, on to your SIL. You and your husband need to stop being her enablers...because that is what you are doing. She knows that you will do it if she doesn't and she takes full advantage of it. She sounds to me like the type of person that should not have become a parent because she' irresponsible and selfish...but you'll most likely never get her to understand that. So, here's my suggestion. I know it seems unfair to your nephew and I know you love him like your own, but you need to first get in agreement with your husband about it, and then secondly you need to inform her, that you are done being her taxi, babysitter, surrogate and doormat. She's not going to like it and things will be tense for a while, but trust me, it will be better in the long run. You need to ask her for her key back, because she is abusing the trust you put in her by giving it to her in the first place. Then, you need to just stop. I know the little man may suffer for a while, but in the long run, she will hopefully realize she has to step up to the plate and be what she's suppossed to be to that poor boy. As for being left out, I don't think he's going to hate you later because of it. Most likely, he won't even know. I know this is hard stuff to deal with, but it really really needs to be done. If you are questioning your marriage because of her, the problem needs to be dealt with in a serious manner. So, I hope this helps. If you need to talk more or need a stranger to lean on, I'm alway a message away. Drop me an e-mail at billnjessica@hotmail.com or IM me on yahoo at billnjessica1210.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 8:17am
Thank you! My husband and i have schedule a sit down for tonight. I will let you know how it turns out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 3:29am
That's great. You'll have to let me know how it goes. I'll be praying for you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:08pm

Hi Gal Althea,
You seem frustrated and trying to please everyone at the same time and in doing so you feel that it is unappreciated. I know how you feel. It seems as though they don't want to give you credit for anything. They don't want to acknowledge your help and efforts. This is exactly what I go through with my future or should I say maybe future sister-in law whom just had a baby and I feel as though she tries to brush me off when I am near her. She cracks jokes and what not in front of my boyfriend about stupid things and then she doesn't even acknowledge that I am there. You know, that cold shoulder type of attitude. She's nice to me because she has to be, not because she wants to be. So, I have a problem with that because I have tried my very best to show that I care about her brother and how much I love him. It seems as though since my family as not as wealthy, she thinks she can treat me like that, my family is kind of poor but that doesn't mean anyone who has money have the right to treat me any less. So, I understand the feeling when you are too nice they seem to not appreciate the things you do for them. When you are b---- then they like you. It seems that way to me, maybe I am wrong but it's the way I feel.
I am not sure if she's jealous but I have a feeling she's resentful towards me for whatever the reasons. It's like she has his back on everything, if we have an argument about something then she'll use that against me to get my boyfriend against me. One day, she called the house and I picked up the phone and she had asked how things were going, I told her "you know we just moved in together and still fixing the place, then she asked for her brother and lately at the time, he was kind of edgy, like not himself. I then told her that he has his moments you know. I found out later on in the argument with my boyfriend that she told the family and him what I said. He was angry and distant with a different attitude, he was somewhat cold and not speaking to me as if something was terribly wrong. So you see, I can't trust her either because she uses anything she can to make me look bad. Can anyone help me solve this situation? Sometimes I feel I can't breathe. Plus, she stays in contact with his ex!!! They are best friends, but his ex is already married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 6:00pm

Why does your boyfriend get upset with you when *she* tells him to?

Does he not think for himself? If he cannot separate what he *knows* about you from what she tells him about you, then you need to re-assess your relationship. Or at the very least give you the courtesy of asking *NICELY* for your side of things before getting all pouty.

As long as the boyfriend/fiance/husband/ stands *with* his partner, it doesn't matter what trash his family of origin throws.

If the man will *not* stand with his partner, then the situation will *NEVER* improve.

Do please refrain from handing his sister the trash to throw at you, though. She should *always* be told that everything is fine, your relationship is fine, no problems here! Save your venting and sharing for your friends, who you already know you can trust.

Good luck to you.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:05pm
Thank you for that info ilve2read. I think that you really put things in perspective. I agree that his sister would love to "throw" the trash at me whenever she is given amunition to. You are right when I should just say that everything is fine with us and that way she can just give up to try and mess things up for us. I think she's jealous as to where I am the first woman he's had that had no vices and as he always said to me "I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I think she gets jealous of the fact that he feels that way about me. That's why I think she throws his ex-girlfriend in my face and always invites her to functions so to speak. I have to learn not to give a _____ about that and act as if nothing. She is not even that close to being prettier than me. Somehow she remained friends with his ex for a reason, so that any woman who gets close to her brother she can use that as a weapon to destroy her brother's relationship with any woman meets and developes a relationship with. To me they both seemed okay at first but then they couldn't keep up the act and now she/they use(s) subtle attacks to get to me and I know it. But in the end the truth will prevail and she will be caught as the villain. Once my boyfriend learns more about me, he'll then see the light and hopefully react the right way. I believe our relationship can work, because I do adore him and care for him. I thank you for your input and good luck to you also.

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