Am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Am I overreacting?
11
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:12pm

I'm new here and I've been wanting to get some opinions on my MIL. Here's the situation:

My DH and I have been together for 3 years married for 1. My MIL and I have always gotten along just fine, we weren't great friends but there was no tension or problems.

However, last fall she met a new guy and was engaged to him within a month. She lives very close (1 mile) and she pops in one day to give us the news and to inform us that she's already set the date..My birthday. At first I thought maybe she had scheduled it on that day accidentally, not realizing it was my birthday. I was wrong. We very nicely asked her if she could do it any other day. She said no, actually she said "I can't change it, it just feels right..can't you celebrate your birthday on another weekend?"

Well from there it snowballed, my dh told her that if she didn't change the date that there was no way we could be there. Now she refuses to speak to us, won't acknowledge me, she even called my DH's brother to tell him that she heard we were getting divorced.

So, my question is..was I right to be so upset about it?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:18pm

Hi Jinxd_801, welcome!

Do you think she set the date for your birthday to be spiteful? If so, why do you think that? Or maybe she set the date for that day because that day means something to her personally, other than it is your birthday that day.

I think if your MIL wants to get married on your birthday and she is not doing it out of spite, then I think she should get married on that day. Also, I do not think that it is fair to ask her to switch the day because it is your birthday.








Follow me to:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:30pm
It honestly wouldn't bother me if someone planned their wedding on my b-day as long as it was just a coincidence or oversight on their part. And if it was a coincidence I wouldn't expect them to change the date. You say that you thought she did it by accident but you were wrong. Can you fill us in on how you know she did it on purpose? Maybe that will change my mind.
http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:51pm
Sorry, I forgot to explain why we asked her to change the date. My dh and I have a tradition..we go away for our birthdays. We usually will have a family dinner during the week and then the following weekend we go out of town. She's well aware that we do this. It wasn't a coincidence because she told me she knew it was my birthday, and then asked us to change our plans.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 7:55pm

I think you are overreacting. Yes, she isnt changing her plans for your birthday, but it sounds like YOU dont want to change your plans for her WEDDING, which undoubtedly is a much bigger deal. Do you seriously feel entitled to tell her that she should schedule her wedding on a date that YOU and your husband feel is more appropriate? That is awfully presumptuous of you!
If she says that it "feels" right to get married on that day it sounds like she is not doing it to spite you. Maybe she met the fiance on that date? Or has some sort of harmless superstition or something.. In any case it doesnt seem that she is doing it to spite you. She likes the date and she wants to get married on that date. And a birthday is not such a big deal, really!
I wouldnt ask her to change the date if I were you. It just makes you look a tad like a spoiled brat and makes your husband look spoiled entitled brat. No offense meant.. please. I am not saying you ARE a spoiled brat... I am being frank and just telling you what it seems like to an outsider.
So yes, I do think you are overreacting.

ETA: Sorry jinxd, I didnt want to bash you. But it seems from my perspective that you are making this about YOU when it's really about your MIL and her fiance. The whole world doesnt and shouldnt revolve around you and your husband. I am not criticizing you.. I just think that what you did was in extremely poor taste, and shows lack of maturity and if you want to build a relationship with people, you'll have to do better than this. My tone is not harsh at all. So I hope you dont mind.




Edited 1/11/2007 8:03 pm ET by ingie2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:15pm
I think that it was slightly inconsiderate of her, but she may not have meant it in such way. Maybe your birthday fell on the right day of the week in the month she wanted to get married, etc. As you probably know from getting married, there are tons of considerations -- what places are available for a wedding in the right season, etc. So I would suck it up, apologize, and go to the wedding. Maybe you can do something for your birthday later in the week and take your trip the next weekend or the weekend before the wedding. It's only one of your birthdays, and you certainly don't have to spend your next birthday with them. (Hey, you won't forget their anniversary!) Yes, it may not be the birthday you'd planned, but there's always next year. You can still make it what you want, but maybe just on a different day. Her wedding is not an annual event (hopefully!).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:41pm

If it's that important to you and your DH, tell her congrats and best wishes, send a gift to the reception and go off on your weekend.

So she feels justified in spreading lies about you because you didn't roll over and lick her feet. Huh.

Seriously, you and DH ask yourselves and each other what the two of you want to do and what you think the long-term consequences would be for each choice. Then do what you two think is right for you.

You could be the bigger person and give up this *one* birthday (Unless you think she'll expect a big "family" anniversary celebration every year - which you are under *no* obligation to attend, of course) and attend her wedding in the spirit of generosity.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:44am
Yes, IMO you are over-reacting. A wedding is a one time deal -- hopefully -- and birthdays have a way of coming around every year. I suggest that you continue your good relationship with you MIL and attend her wedding. This year it would not hurt to schedule your birthday plans another time. Now, if she expects you to forfeit birthday plans each year to celebrate her anniversary, you would have a right to refuse to do so.
Avatar for kholt_vi
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:54am
I see this differently.maybe it's just me. But if she expects you to change your set tradition for her wedding will she expect the same for her anniversary if she decides to have a get together? Are you expected to change your traditions for it every year? If its just this time I would change my plans but if she thinks you would change it for her party next year she's wrong.
Avatar for judym13930
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:01pm
I think what you did was in extremely poor taste. Birthdays after a certain age, unless they are milestones, are not a big deal. You could go away the weekend after. I think you should apologise and try to act a bit more mature.
I wouldn't worry about your birthdays interfering with her anniversaries. Anniversaries (again, unless they are milestones)are typically private affairs between husband and wife.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:46pm

Yes, I do think you were over-reacting.

Catrina now

Pages