What to do with my live-in MIL?
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| Sat, 01-13-2007 - 6:05pm |
So to give you a little background, my husband and I married under unusual circumstances. He was 21 and I was 15 when we met and after lots of legal troubles because of the age difference, we got married. However, we just dated and did not really make a go of it until we found out I was pregnant. At the time I moved in, he lived in the bottom level of his mom's 3 story house. His mother and I exchanged words once before I moved in, but other than that, things were peaceful. I don't think she's ever really liked me, but she never directly said anything to me.
Problem 1: When we first moved in, we weren't in a position to help pay any of the bills, but after a few months, we were able to basically split the bills in half with her. She is very irresponsible, especially when it comes to finances. Due to her divorce and not working, she has spent all of her money. She eats out all the time, buys unnecessary clothes and junk, has bought 2 cars (and resold for not even 1/3 of what she paid for them), buys excessive groceries which she never eats, drives around with nowhere to go all day, almost every day, etc. She sees no need to change her ways and insists we just pull money out of stocks for her. She put most of the money into stocks, but my husband is the one who has managed and tripled it. We are the ones who have to pay taxes on them, and we don't want to keep pulling out large amounts of money when it's not necessary. My husband is a home builder and so far, luck hasn't been on his side. He made absolutely no money on his last 2 houses, so he started working for his uncle. He only makes about $350 every week until he gets some contracts. It's enough for us to pay half, but we cannot support the house by ourselves with that amount of money. The last time we had to take $5000 out of stocks, I suggested we use it towards a budget to make sure we were able to pay the bills for a couple of months. She told me there was no way I was putting her on a budget, so I gave her $2500. Well here it is, not even a month later and she's spent all of that money (she didn't pay any bills, we used our half to pay them all up) and she wants us to pull more out. Considering how irresponsible she is, we don't want her to waste that money. We want to let it keep growing to help pay bills in the future if something goes wrong because if we didn't have it, we'd be screwed. My husband and I discussed me getting a job so there's not so much burden on him, but when we asked her if she would babysit a little while I worked, she outright told me she would not. She's "too busy". She has her real estate license, but because she "doesn't want to drive people around", she wont use it. So we suggested her getting a retail job (the same thing I would be doing), but she said she would not work for minimum wage. All she does is complain about how she has no money, but she refuses to do anything to help herself. She's resorted to sitting on the couch watching TV and cooking all day.
Problem 2: She thinks being a grandmother gives her a sense of entitlement. She gets upset anytime I correct her when it pertains to our 21-month-old son. We have a schedule, and he knows that we're in there to get him out of bed by 8:30, however about once a week, she comes down to his room between 7 and 7:30, wakes him up, brings him upstairs with her for a few minutes, then comes into our bedroom and wakes us up whenever he starts being "too much for her." And she can't understand why that makes us upset! We can't even leave him with her for us to go out to dinner. She just constantly calls and asks when we're going to be back. Everyday I hear, "Are you going to dress him warmly tonight?" and "Did he eat breakfast this morning?"- common sense things. And if he cries because he's not getting his way or something, she RUNS downstairs like he's seriously hurt and pushes right past me, scoops him up, and coddles him until he stops. She gives in to e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g., even when I say "no." Last winter, he got sick, not deathly sick, but sick enough that being a new mom, I got worried. I took him to the ER, got meds, and whatnot, but the next day, she said that Luke got sick because I "neglected him." When asked how, she couldn't give any reasons, but she still said it. I think it was just to hurt me. A week later she's telling me about her first son and how he almost died of pneumonia because she couldn't see how sick he was until he was lethargic... but somehow, I'm the bad parent. And it seems like she does something I just can't understand or makes me angry every week. Just last week, I caught her wiping his hands and face with those Lysol sanitizing wipes. When she first bought them, I saw her wipe her hands with them and I told her not to do that. It specifically says on the back of the container not to use on your skin because it would cause irritation and to wash your hands after using them. She ignored me. I saw her use them on Luke's hands and face like you would use a baby wipe, and I told her not to do it and explained why, and she acted like my worry was unnecessary. She was like, "It just kills the flu", and I said, "Yeah, on counter tops! You DO NOT use it on baby skin." She feels like she can discipline as she pleases. While I was cooking breakfast this morning, Luke put one of his little Crocs (which he wears only in the house) in his mouth, and instead of just calmly saying "no" and taking it away, she yelled, "DON'T DO THAT, THAT'S GROSS!" Yes, it's gross, but yelling was not OK with me. That is NOT how we discipline our son. Knowing how sensitive she is, I worded this as carefully as possible, "We do not yell at our son, and I would appreciate it if you don't yell at him either." She got all huffy and puffy and sat down on the couch until my husband walked upstairs, then proceeded to get in a yelling match with him while Luke was WATCHING! She said I was always on the defensive with Luke and I'm constantly criticizing her. After we went back downstairs, she NAILED the door closed so that we couldn't open it to go upstairs. I have to go upstairs to cook and do laundry. AND we pay all of the bills now, so I don't think that it's fair that we can't use anything.
Problem 3: She's just generally psychotic. The smallest things send her into screaming matches, even right in front of my son. She cries in front of him and everything. He's sensitive, and I don't want him exposed to that kind of stuff. My mother said my son might be therapeutic for her, but I don't feel comfortable leaving him with her at all. I feel like I would be putting my son in danger. She yells at my husband because he has to rely on her soon-to-be ex husband's brother for a job. He's a felon, it's not like he can work anywhere. She's constantly using him as her emotional punching bag, no matter who's around. She has no problem cursing around my son, and when she gets upset, she breaks things. And she always wants to know where we are and when we're going to be home. That in itself has put a serious strain on our relationship. I think it's a little weird that she treats him like he's still in high school. I love to cook, and everyone loves to eat what I cook. I don't burn/overcook things like she does and I make sure to put in the right ingredients, etc. She gets very upset when my husband and her boyfriend prefer my cooking to hers. She even started passing off my food as her own to her boyfriend. I really don't care, but isn't that a little weird? And she can't do anything without mine or my husband's help. She always needs assistance with changing the channels on her TV or trying to find something on her phone, all simple things she should be able to do. And it's not like she asks nicely. She gets angry if we don't do it immediately and she demands.She's not senile, she's not even 60.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I feel like everything is probably part of an overall problem, not just specific things. Is there anything I can do to help the situation? Because of my husband's specific felony, we can't just move to wherever we want to. We have guidelines to follow and it's very difficult to move to a place that is approved and affordable at this time. We're trying to look for property, but in the meantime, I'm feeling very drained and frustrated. I need either ways to cope or ways to help her. I just don't know what I can do- I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I agree that you've got to try to get out of there before your MIL hurts your son or destroys your marriage and sanity. The Lysol and nailing the door shut -- totally unacceptable.
I gathered that the stocks were hers. I understand your frustration that you don't want to end up supporting her later down the road becuase of her stupidity now and that she is getting slammed with taxes. You may ultimately be faced with that decision later. I don't know if there's anything you can do to prevent her from wasting her money. Your budget idea was great, and maybe you and your husband can do this without MIL. Would she see a financial advisor? Sometimes advice is more palatable when coming from a third party.
Is there a way you can find low-cost childcare so that you could work? Maybe you know someone trustworthy who does at-home childcare for a few kids who wouldn't mind the extra money with another child but can handle another child. That way you wouldn't be losing all your income to childcare. I would not trust your MIL with your son alone. She sounds like she is incapable of being responsible.
Until you can move out, I would try to sit down with MIL and your husband (make sure he agees with you on what you, or mostly he, will say) and set rules for taking care of your son. I would thank her for all her help (just as an ice breaker) and tell her you are willing to do your part, but that your son really needs consistency, a schedule, etc. Maybe you could agree that if she gets out of hand and starts crying or yelling, that you will immediately take your son to the basement and away from her.
You know the situation with your husband best, but is there a job bank or career service that he could go to and try to find a better job?
Wow, I wish I had some decent suggestions, but I really feel for you. It sounds like you have it together. That in itself can carry you a long way.
This is not something you don't already know - You remember the old saying about glass houses? Well, if you are a person who gets preggers at 15 with a man who cannot support you and your child, is that not the same thing as "being irresponsible?" If you have blue hair, and you go around complaining about other people who have blue hair - it's going to look a little odd to strangers.
I thoroughly agree that you and your husband need to get out on your own. You need your own home where you can feel that you are safe and at peace. Your "crazy, irresponsible" MIL has been wonderful to have you in her home. Just as many of the things she does will get on your nerves, I am sure that you get on her nerves as well. Yet she hasn't tossed you out. That's very nice of her, don't you think? Because you are living in her home, I don't think it is inappropriate for her to ask your husband for money. You would pay rent and utilities no matter where you go. Whether she needs the money or not, whether she spends it to your satisfaction or not, she has the right to ask for the money. Time to go to your husbby and tell him that you are confident that he has what it takes to support his family and provide a home for them. Good luck in the house-hunt.